[Corydora]

Okay, obviously you guys aren't licensed mental health professionals, and I have been thinking of going to a professional to satiate my curiosity..but I guess I want to see if it's even worth my time and effort.

Anyways, so I've always felt like I just..wasn't like everyone aound me..especially when I was younger, I've always been called "heartless" or "emotionless" I just never seemed to react "appropriately" as a child, and that always put people off, my family, and anyone else around me, so I began to really observe the people around me, look at their reactions and behavior, really read it, and I began to mimic it. It got to the point that people stopped singling me out for my behavior, as I seemed normal, even if none of it was sincere, no one seems to catch on, even closest family. The one person who seemed to have an idea was my mum's at the time husband, he has studied pychology and seemed to really try and observe me very closely, I knew he was picking up on some things regardless of the facade I had on, he'd do little "tests" that at the time I didn't understand what the heck he was doing, but after doing some of my own research..I understand some now. One was a "startle test" he'd hide around a corner and try to scare me, or would make a really loud nouse behind me, he'd tell me nice stories and then quickly switch them to some graphic detail, like death or something scary, and I'd remain totally flat, I never startled when being surprised, I never reacted differently to seeing a baby compared to a murder crime scene photo, (well beyond high curiosity of the murder) nothing he did ever got a reaction out of me.

I just don't have sympathy towards people, when my bf lost a family member and we were going to the funeral, I was honestly more upset that I was having a bad hair day than the fact that I was going to a funeral inthe first place. Also when my bf lost a close coworker, when he told told me I just didn't have a natural reaction to it, I faked sympathy for his sake but I on the inside I felt nothing, and I never comforted him over these losses, just never thought about it, didn't really care, and my social skills for comforting people are absolute zero and it's just never been worth my time or effort.

I had your typical crappy childhood, physical and mental abuse and all that, poverty, split homes, being bullied and singled out at school, nothing spectacular, but there were a few things that were different. For one I would lie, A LOT. Anything I could lie about, I would, didn't even have to be essential to getting me out of trouble, I'd lie for the sake of seeing if I could get away with it, I liked to watch people's reactions, see how far I could go along with it. I had and to this day have no friends. It's not that people don't like me, they do, I just don't have any interest in interacting with people in that way. Now if I get something from the interaction then that's a different story, even if it's just to bring me relief from boredom. I love being the center of attention most of the time, when I am with "friends" I want them to be paying attention to me, I don't like listening to people, and it takes a lot for me to give them my full attention. However at the same time I DON'T like being the center of attention with strangers..I'd rather be invisible and I really do not enjoy large crowds or overall busy places.

Growing up I constantly had homicidal thoughts, about daily, this mostly revolved around people who wronged me in whatever way, didn't matter how trivial or how "close" the person was, I constantly fantasized about killing my mum's husband, and truth be told the only reason I never did was not out of guilt or the possibility of remorse, was simply because I didn't have the easy means and never found a way that I was sure would leave me Scott free, because I don't ever want to go to jail, as it's not beneficial to me and would ruin any work I've done with myself and after the initial rush of it, would grow very boring, very quickly. To this day I still have homicidal thoughts, though not as much I feel as when I was a teenager, though it's evolved to involve many strangers, I envision just killing people, strangers I see at work or around my house, I'll just look at them and that'll be my first thought, is how could I kill them, rather than wanting any positive interaction with them. I've never felt guilt when having these thoughts.

Now the one thing that always kept me from even beginning to think I might have sociopathic traits or the like is, I LOVE my pets, and in general I love animals, yes, I have hurt animals in the past, and yes, I would kill or hurt animals today though not without reason, I raw feed my cats and I love killing their food for them, but I am VERY attached to my cats..and I've NEVER abused them..nor would I, in fact I'd kill anyone and anything that tried to harm them in any way.

Another thing is in my research I'd found that a majority of sociopaths and the like don't find music particularly useful or really like it or find it distracting...however I'm the opposite..I've found music always passified me..whenever I had harmful thoughts, like hurting people, I'd put on music amd concentrate on it and it would calm me down most of the time.

And lastly in my research I've learned that sociopaths don't do well in long term relationships, however me and my bf have been together for 7 years, though I will say that it's more out if it being beneficial and convenient for me more than anything else, and no, if we were to break up I would not be sad, I can easily see myself on my own and sometimes I even crave that, I don't work for my relationship, never have, I feel it's more chance it's lasted this long at all.

I'm sure there is more that should be shared. and if I remember anything else I'll be sure to edit it in..but I feel I've able enough for now and I'm ready to pick the minds here.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Maybe it would be worth your time and effort to get professionally assessed, seeing as you took the time and effort to write this pretty lengthy post.

Now the one thing that always kept me from even beginning to think I might have sociopathic traits or the like is, I LOVE my pets, and in general I love animals, yes, I have hurt animals in the past, and yes, I would kill or hurt animals today though not without reason, I raw feed my cats and I love killing their food for them, but I am VERY attached to my cats..and I've NEVER abused them..nor would I, in fact I'd kill anyone and anything that tried to harm them in any way.

Another thing is in my research I'd found that a majority of sociopaths and the like don't find music particularly useful or really like it or find it distracting...however I'm the opposite..I've found music always passified me..whenever I had harmful thoughts, like hurting people, I'd put on music amd concentrate on it and it would calm me down most of the time.

And lastly in my research I've learned that sociopaths don't do well in long term relationships, however me and my bf have been together for 7 years, though I will say that it's more out if it being beneficial and convenient for me more than anything else, and no, if we were to break up I would not be sad, I can easily see myself on my own and sometimes I even crave that, I don't work for my relationship, never have, I feel it's more chance it's lasted this long at all.

These are all stereotypes, that's all. I have ASPD; I have three cats that I've never laid a hand on, I'm a professional musician, and I've had a handful of long term relationships albeit far fewer than what's average.

[Corydora]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Maybe it would be worth your time and effort to get professionally assessed, seeing as you took the time and effort to write this pretty lengthy post.


These are all stereotypes, that's all. I have ASPD; I have three cats that I've never laid a hand on, I'm a professional musician, and I've had a handful of long term relationships albeit far fewer than what's average.

I did this out of a bored curiosity, being professionally assessed would take real time and effort, and if it turns out to be a waste of my time it would be rather irritating, which is why I decided to start with this while I was bored and suffering from insomnia.

Sometimes stereotypes hold some truth though, if anything this just makes me more curious about myself, rather than less.

[Atypical_Disaster]

What is it with antisocials and insomnia? It seems like all of us have insomnia, lol.

[Corydora]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

What is it with antisocials and insomnia? It seems like all of us have insomnia, lol.

Haha, guess maybe the brain is more active? Less emotions leaves you up to more logical thinking, at least it does for me.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Welcome to the forum.

[Corydora]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks, I'm hoping to get some answers here, I'd really rather probably some anonymous minds about myself before bothering with any type of mental health professional.

[Atypical_Disaster]

As you said none of us here are professionals but I will say that I can relate to several parts of your post. What you wrote about your childhood reminds me of mine in some respects. I started mimicking what was seen as "normal" and I also lied like crazy just for the sheer flipping hell of it.

I don't suffer from boredom to the same extent as some others with ASPD but I can still relate to being motivated by boredom. I've engaged in many antisocial antics out of boredom and nothing else.

I had homicidal thoughts very frequently when I was a teenager and young adult. It's faded off for the most part now, thoughts like that float through my mind on occasion but it's not a problem for me.

I've never felt guilt/remorse for anything I've done, even if I pretend otherwise out of necessity.

I think at the least you have some antisocial traits, it's hard to tell just over the internet but that is my non professional opinion.

[Corydora]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

As you said none of us here are professionals but I will say that I can relate to several parts of your post. What you wrote about your childhood reminds me of mine in some respects. I started mimicking what was seen as "normal" and I also lied like crazy just for the sheer flipping hell of it.

I don't suffer from boredom to the same extent as some others with ASPD but I can still relate to being motivated by boredom. I've engaged in many antisocial antics out of boredom and nothing else.

I had homicidal thoughts very frequently when I was a teenager and young adult. It's faded off for the most part now, thoughts like that float through my mind on occasion but it's not a problem for me.

I've never felt guilt/remorse for anything I've done, even if I pretend otherwise out of necessity.

I think at the least you have some antisocial traits, it's hard to tell just over the internet but that is my non professional opinion.

Thanks for the honest reply, another forum I posted this in just made a big joke out of my post for whatever reason, like that doesn't satiate my curiosity or slate my boredom.

It seems most people think that you can't be a sociopath/pychopath wothout having killed someone..however I don't believe that's true, regardless of the fact that the only reason I didn't kill people was because I had the presence of mind to know that I do not wish to waste my time in jail and simply didn't have any viable weaponry during my time with my violent thoughts.

Now the question is..am I "messed up" enough to waste the time of a mental health professional. Lol

[Atypical_Disaster]

I'm honest far more often than I ever get credit for, so I appreciate you noting that. You're welcome.

I think actual Antisocials are skeptical of those such as yourself honestly looking for answers just because so many wannabes and confused depressives/avoidants frequently pass through forums for ASPD.

Most sociopaths and psychopaths aren't murderers.

Do you see yourself as "messed up"? Why or why not?

[Corydora]

I am the same, honestly I feel my honesty gets me in trouble more often than it should. Lol

Trust me, I wouldn't wish my thoughts on my worst enemy, I never understood the whole "it's so cool to have a mental disorder" crowd..I just figured it'd be worth my time to at least delve into it slightly to see if I could understand things about myself better..we are all creatures of learning after all..I don't see how people think sociopaths would be any different, especially with how logically they think.

Certainly I do see myself as messed up, am I the most messed up person? No where close, but am I messed up enough to need professional help? That's the question. I mean I'm sure some would say yes if they heard my morning discussion for imagining the most successful school shooting that blasts past the ones from the past, to taking the reject animals at work to feed my pets, but really, do I see myself as a danger? Unlikely as long as I keep myself Convinced that there is no Scott free murder these days.

[Atypical_Disaster]

"Honestly I feel my honesty gets me in trouble more often than it should." -that's my life in a sentence just lol.

I don't understand the romanticizing mental illnesses thing, either. People are pretty ignorant about sociopathy and psychopathy just like they are about most other mental health conditions/illnesses. Not everyone with ASPD constantly thinks about murder, I certainly don't.

How well are you functioning in your life right now? Are your thoughts of murder interfering with your ability to enjoy life?

If you're not posing a serious danger to society and not suffering any distress then I don't see why professional help would be at all warranted.

[Corydora]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

"Honestly I feel my honesty gets me in trouble more often than it should." -that's my life in a sentence just lol.

I don't understand the romanticizing mental illnesses thing, either. People are pretty ignorant about sociopathy and psychopathy just like they are about most other mental health conditions/illnesses. Not everyone with ASPD constantly thinks about murder, I certainly don't.

How well are you functioning in your life right now? Are your thoughts of murder interfering with your ability to enjoy life?

If you're not posing a serious danger to society and not suffering any distress then I don't see why professional help would be at all warranted.

Haha, people always revere honesty with high praise but it seems for some of is its just not our ally. xD

Agreed, I guess it's good for those that are attention seeking, though you'd think they could come up with a better way to get that attention than to pretend to have a mental illness.

Eh, some days are certainly better than others, and often I find myself going through a wave of a cluster of thoughts..like I won't really think of murder all that much and then, bam, it'll be daily, sometimes even constant, and I will say it's rather exhausting flipping back and forth between the urges and thoughts. I wanted to set myself up for conealed carry a while ago, even went to pick out the gun for such, but at the last moment I didn't go through with it because I just couldn't trust myself with the power of a gun, because of how strong my thoughts can be.

Sometimes it does scare me when they get really intense because I'm quick to anger and if I'm in the throws of that kind of thinking, sometimes it can be hard to really control myself. My friend and coworker actually had to drag me out of work yesterday because I'm sure I finally would've snapped on the one coworker I really don't care for after some bold and ignorant stunt they pulled, in that moment I really just wanted to hurt them, make them suffer and do a good deed by doing it for the workplace. So I do struggle with these thoughts, and sometimes I really do feel like I might actually follow through with them, and that's when I I start my "counter measures." That's music, isolation, turn my urge onto the animals I feed my pets, I think I turn to my pets in general because I'm confident enough that I'd never hurt them and they distract me from the thoughts.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Haha, people always revere honesty with high praise but it seems for some of is its just not our ally. xD

When I actually take the time to be honest it's typically not appreciated by the establishment as it were. Pfft.

Eh, some days are certainly better than others, and often I find myself going through a wave of a cluster of thoughts..like I won't really think of murder all that much and then, bam, it'll be daily, sometimes even constant, and I will say it's rather exhausting flipping back and forth between the urges and thoughts.

Interesting that it seems to have a cycle of sorts.

Sometimes it does scare me when they get really intense because I'm quick to anger and if I'm in the throws of that kind of thinking, sometimes it can be hard to really control myself.

Why does it scare you?

[Corydora]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

When I actually take the time to be honest it's typically not appreciated by the establishment as it were. Pfft.


Interesting that it seems to have a cycle of sorts.


Why does it scare you?

Pfft, agreed. Lmao maybe that's why I took to lying so well in my younger years.

Yeah, I'm not sure if it's truly a cycle or if some days I'm just better at pushing it away and ignoring it than others.

I suppose it's just the thought of actually following through with my thoughts, it gives me this thrilling feeling, but at the same it scares me to think of actually following through because I suppose of the consequences if I were to be caught, since like a mentioned before I have no intention of going to prison.

[Batthebikey]

Hi Corydora, you can look up the clinical diagnosis for ASPD but it really needs a trained professional to make a diagnosis. That being said your story is similar to mine. I don't feel remorse etc but I have pets that I care for (I don't think I can feel "love" in the way most people do). One good thing about it is I have never felt lonely, I don't need to be around people but I can appear to be very social and charming if I need to be. Don't be too worried about being different, it's people like us who make great generals or leaders, we take risks that normals won't. Embrace your life and run with it, enjoy being a wolf amongst a herd of sheep. It is up to you to set boundaries to your behaviour even if it is a selfish thing like don't kill people who piss you off if anyone is watching. I have had a great life, and done things most people will never do, so my favourite saying is "F*** the World" You are who you are, so don't sweat all these labels.