Indulge me please

thanks for the affirmation. I think I know my job now. Appreciate your support on this new journey forward that to a larger extent you Byz have really helped me to understand just how much of it is in my hands.

Persevere and conquer.

I will try but the meeting today didn't go well. I may not qualify for assistance because my income taxes are not up to date so I can't prove my self employment income for the last 12 months. In addition it seems my doctor is ill informed about the persons with multiple barriers option. One needs to be on basic assistance and actively be looking for work for a year before they can qualify for multiple barriers. Attend career development workshops and prove that I was actively searching for work with at least 3 potential employer signatures per week. A note from the doctor will only go so far. I need to provide proof that I have been receiving treatment including attending counselling for at least the last three months to be excluded from the job search requirement.

The option of applying for disabilities right off is closed too since my taxes in arrears. If and when I do get them up to date the worker told me it can take 6 months for the application to be processed. They are not processed locally but at the ministry office in the capital.

Obsticles, complications and at best delays was the theme of the meeting today. Delayed denials. The only credit I can give myself is that I didn't run away in the middle of it all. I wanted to. I saw myself getting up and leaving when she went to photocopy stuff. I saw myself rage and ripe up her office. I saw myself throwing the chair through the window. I talked myself through it while I hooked my arms into the arms of the chair to keep from acting out.

I am totally wasted from the effort of the 90 minute meeting. At the end when she gave me more forms to sign I admitted I had no mind to make sense of anything they said but I signed them anyways.

My head is exploding. My body is fuzzy with exhaustion. I only feel half present.

I see the doc again on Monday. This day is wasted but maybe tomorrow I can try again to make sense of my taxes. I would prefer to die and be spared any more of any of this but I have a son and I won't do to him what my mother did to me. I won't abandon him. But for him I would give up this fight. Its just too much today. The light is gone today.

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". Maryanne Radanbacher.

Awesome quote Byz. I am posting it on my mirror and giving thanks for each new day. I am sleeping well so that is a great help. I wake refreshed enough to give it another go.

Thinking less as victim today I am remembering my talents and giving thought to how I can use those talents to get out of the hole I find myself in. I have cleaned up my studio and pulled out some fabrics and am thinking about what can I make with all the boxes and shelves of supplies to sell. People are always asking me if I am still designing and maybe its time I think of myself as a designer again and see where it takes me.

I may also be able to take in a border. At first I was shocked with the idea of someone coming into my sanctuary but hey.... what has become an automatic 'no' in my life these last few years perhaps could be a pathway out. I was also asked if I would like to spend a day or two a week with an old woman (for pay) just to keep her company and do a few house chores. My first response was no way could i do that. I am too afraid of meeting new people. I couldn't commit.... blah blah blah but then courage found a place in me and I said I would give it a try. My friend is going to recommend me so maybe that will be something good for me to get me out of the house. I do love hanging with old people.

I need to give myself the change to do the things I did before I let this illness stuff turn me into someone else. If I want my old life back I need to step out of the life I am living that is all about being sick and a victim.

The light is on today. Even the garden is giving me ideas of enterprising. Maybe I can sell some of my abundance of plants. I usually give a lot of them away as I thin things out and divide them up... maybe I could pot them up and take them to a flea market. Nice to be thinking of ways to make my own way. It feels more empowering to remember that I am not without talents.

You are working it. Good for you.