[trance]

I hide my emotions...panic attacks...anxiety attacks...paranoia...fear...self loathing...sometimes I am so unstable and yet able to hide what I feel...almost like it isn't there...but it is...just under the surface ready to consume me...I tell myself its not my fault but it is my fault my own fault...but then who really cares really...when is it time to say enough is enough...Im 50 yeasr old and still dealing with stuff that happened so long ago...I've a therapist...whom is still in school...she could be my daughter for goodness sake...how can I tell her things when I can hardly stand to hear it in my own head...but how do I tell her that she is treading very close to...what...what is she getting close to...I want to change therapists...better yet just forget it...it is easier just to let it be...except here in my old age I seem to be finding it harder to hide...the emtions just leak out in the most silliest of places...well...thanks for letting me rant for awhile...the anxiety and panic are here so I wont be alone...lol...goodnight all...

[Cyran0]

trance, that's exactly how I live my life. I present a calm personae out of necessity and hide the anxiety, depression, worry, memories, fear. A lot of us have a life time of practice and good thing too as it helps us function in society.

But it's a lonely way to live. I always feel alone in a crowd. And while I'm hardly the model for great coping skills, what I've tried to do over the years is keep a few people in my life I can break down in front of. The people here at PC are a part of that for me.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say as I'm in a bad place right now myself but I guess it's that I understand the feeling and am glad you vented.

Cyran0

[michele#3]

Trance, I understand what you mean. I'm in my 50's too and am still dealing with stuff that happended to me a long time ago. And like you my therapist is young enough to be my daughter. Sometimes it translates to not feeling very understood. How about you?

trance, change therapists if you must. The best therapist in the world cannot help you if you will not be forthright and open.

What you are doing is not working. Give your therapist a chance.

[Stranger2]

I agree if this "T" isn't working then find another one.. It took me three before I found the one I have been with the last five years.. We have built a strong bond..She knows everything about me.. I've been seeing her so long I am running out of things to talk about..Fear is my biggest issue.. Thats why I have isolated in my bedroom the last 21 years..I only come out for necessities and appointments..Please don't give up there has to be someone you can build that bond with.,..

[Hippie]

trance, I'm 60 years old and my T looks like she's 12 but she's well trained and I feel safe with her and making more progress then with the older T I had for 15 years.
I think it comes down to whether You feel there's a rapport, a connection or not. Only you know that. Can you talk to your therapist about how you feel? I mean, really feel.

[lynn P.]

I agree with the others - trust your instincts. If you feel you can open up and she can relate then fine. But if you don't think so. then you may need to find another therapist. I also feel a little bad for men in general - the way they're raised not to express their emotions.

I can also relate to holding everything in. When I was younger I used to get panic attacks and had social anxiety even though I was a model - what a contrast - right lol? Now I feel like no one knows how I'm feeling and suffering.

[yutzman]

I'm 53 and have been dealing your type of issues for most of that time. My therapist is younger than me too (but I figure at 53, 75% of the population is) so I don't worry about it so much. It's important to find a good one though, which I have after about 5. My childhood comes up alot in therapy, which I let fly with all abandon. You shouldn't keep anything in. That's why I get so much out of this forum......being basically anonamous helps a lot.......Good Luck.......Y

How are you doing, trance?

[trance]

better...thx Byzantine...I've got a new T and she seems very nice and she could be my sister...lol...the T I had will be a fine therapist but I need someone more my age to understand how it was back when I was a kid...there were no rights for children...there was no place to turn back then and I guess I feel like I was a throw away child...IE: I ran away because I had seen others do that and they found help...I ran away a few times and I was always brought back and it was worse then...I can remember my father laughing with the police officers about me and the last thing the cop said to me was...STOP RUNNING...IT WON'T MAKE LIFE ANY EASIER...I could see the hatred in my dad's eyes as he closed the door behind them...I tried to run but he caught me and proceded to beat the crap out of me...I will have to end here because I can feel myself starting to panic...thanks everyone for the support...

I am happy you found a therapist you can work with.