not getting it

maybe I just suck at communication, but at least I'm trying to communicate to people offline since... for a long time I just shut it off. I can't even say "for a few years" because it's been longer then that.

People in my life seem to greatly underestimate or simply disregard what I go through. I try to put it in understandable words but I think unless a person is going through it (and maybe has gone through it so long as they really remember what it was like) can never understand it no matter how I put it.

My parents (well, my mom and step-dad at least) seem to be under the impression that I can do all this stuff it's just that I don't want to or am just lazy. Going through the process of finding a job, calling financial aide, and the whole college process is overwhelming enough for most people anyways, let alone for a person like me who when out in public is under the impression that their very presense is offensive, that they will more likely then not just get in the way and mess things up, and ruin someone's day. I do try and dismiss these thoughts as ridiculous but I can't always recognize that.

I can understand that my mom is exasperated when I get defensive with her, she says I read into things way to much and instead of seeing things as coming out of a place of love that my mind always jumps to the worst possible conclusion. I told her it wasn't anything personal, ans she told me that it's off-putting to people.

Jumping to the worst possible conclusion has been my life. It's not just with her, it's not just with people. My. Entire. Life. Things like that don't just change, it takes time, it takes effort.

And for the record the only reason why I can post all the personal stuff here is because it is so anonymous. I don't physically see you guys, on the street, at home on a daily basis, maybe I do? But neither of us would know that.

I'd like to note that I'm not trying to sit and make excuses for myself but I'm just not the kind of person who does well under pressure. It's frustrating just being expected to do everything with next to no help. Some people it's easier for them to just "get over" whatever fears and apprehensions they may have and get to business, but I'm not one of them, if the past few months are indicative of anything I'm more likely to just freeze up and not do anything.

Are you seeing a therapist Kaika? Maybe you could talk to someone about these feelings of anxiety you are having?

I feel the same way about posting here, it's easy because I don't know anyone here in real life. That's why it's easier for me to talk to my therapist too because I don't see her out in the real world, only at our appointments. Plus, she doesn't judge she just listens.

The college process can certainly be overwhelming (especially financial aid!) try to take it one step at a time and not stress too much (though I know that is easier said than done!). Don't feel bad or guilty for feeling this way, it is normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone at PC is here for you

Yeah, I do have a T but I havn't seen him in MONTHS. I think it's because my parents keep canceling my appointments (which I didn't know about until he asked if I was ok because he was worried I was sick or something)

I absolutely suck at communication too. It's always so difficult for me to my thoughts across to other people, even the few people who know me and I'm relaxed around. I generally prefer electronic communication to face-to-face.
What I hated the most about applying to college was waiting forever in line, surrounded by strange people, waiting to see another stranger who had access to a fair amount of sensative personal information.
My parents as well have a lack of understanding about my feelings and assume I'm lazy, selfish and don't care. As a result, over the years I've become pretty numb to their criticisms.

Kaika, I share your frustration, it's so hard to put these things into words that really do the feelings justice.
I got told by my step dad earlier today "you don't have to only go out when your mum is with you, you could go for a walk on your own" and it was like, my god, has he not seen what a mess I am and have been since I moved back home in the summer? I was so offended because if I could do things I would. I don't chose to be stuck in the house and scared of...everything. I don't chose to be 24 and glued to my mum. It's an illness.

Luckily my mum understands and helps me do pretty much everything. I really know how much you must be struggling to be having to get a job, applying for college etc. Those are very stressful things and when you throw mental illness into it then it can seem almost impossible. I hope you manage it all and that maybe you can get some help. It's ok to need help sometimes (I know I do). I hope you can begin seeing your T again, can't believe they cancelled your appointments.

Yes, it takes a whole lot of time, sometimes almost whole lifetimes! But, if you're working on that, then what other people say doesn't bother one much because you're concentrating on working on something and know what you're working on. If you want to register for college, doesn't matter if it takes one try or ten as long as you're trying.

No, most other people are not going to understand and a lot of them are going to be negative so I don't pay a whole lot of attention to those people. You know who you can, or would like to, trust, only pay attention to them. If they say the sky is blue and you think it looks like rain, just "decide" it may look like rain, but it ain't gonna and work on whatever you want to work on during blue skies.

Hoping for the best for you, Kaika?