[michelle421]

i have been struggling to help my partner while she's been having major issues with agoraphobia. she is so scared to leave the house, and often when she does, it's so highly emotional that it makes things really scary. i really want to be supportive, and i'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions for me. if you have experienced these feelings, is there anything that helped you get through it or at least feel a little better?

i'm at work today and she just sent me a message that she made it to her therapy place but something must have happened on the way. she said she didn't even want to go see her therapist and shouldn't have left the house and she just wants to SI. i wish i could help her, and i know she really needs to see her therapist. i'm still worried that she won't even want to talk to her therapist about the issues she's having or the feelings she's experiencing because they are stupid and it's her fault. i try to tell her that she really does need to talk about those feelings, and it's not her fault, they are not stupid... it means something is going on. i want her to get help.

she drives herself to her appointments, but that's all the driving she usually does in the week... being on the road is a really stressful thing for her a lot of the time, and it's because of what the other people are doing around her. when other people cut her off or drive too close or do anything to make her feel like she's been disrespected or in danger it really makes her upset. she gets so emotional about the fact that those people are doing things wrong and trying to hurt her. it makes her feel trapped and in danger when people are in her way (either driving in a way that isn't predictable, or if they made a bad decision. it also applies to biking or walking, if someone is blocking her path when biking - or if cars or other bikes don't give her the right of way when she has the right, or if the sidewalk is blocked by someone who won't allow her room also when she is walking home, that makes her get mad. she feels like they are trying to put her in harms way and that their behavior means that she doesn't deserve to exist or have any sort of safe space).

she doesn't want to leave the house because every time she does, she gets hurt. i get nervous when she does leave because something might happen that makes her explode with anger (at herself) and others - and usually that doesn't help the situation. i feel better when i'm with her because i try to at least model different behavior. when someone is in my way on a sidewalk or something (many people don't pay attention, and that's just how it is in this world... people are more self-absorbed and have a lot going on, so it's hard to pay attention to everything and everyone) i at least try to say, "excuse me, i'd like to get through" or "could you please step aside? thanks" because often, i find that it's an easy solution. i don't believe those people hate me and don't think i deserve to get where i'm going (that's how my partner reacts), i just think they're not aware... and i try to bring attention to it and move along.

when my partner leaves the house when i'm at work or when i can't be with her, i have been increasingly nervous. i'm afraid that when i come home tonight she will be a complete mess because of whatever happened on the way to her appt. things like that stick with her for a long time. it will be a focus of her anger and continuing agoraphobia and self-hatred.

i want to try to let go of the things i can't control. i just care about her so much and i want to help. i want to be there for her, but i'm not always sure what the best kind of support is. i love my partner and i want her to feel safe and respected. she deserves to feel safe.

i'd be happy to have any kind of support or advice. thank you.

Can your partner take a taxi to the appointments until she is more stable?

[michelle421]

thank you for the suggestion. unfortunately, my partner has been abused in a taxi and has PTSD issues with taxis. i may suggest to her that we look into transportation service through the place at which she gets therapy... but it's so hard to lose independence, and i'm not sure how she would react. thank you again for the idea.

Sometimes there have to be trade-offs. Your partner will not get better without therapy and if enduring some discomfort to get to the therapist is the reality, the partner has to make the choice that provides her with the best benefit.

[Hippie]

Have you gone to a therapy session with your partner and shared your concerns? And asked the questions you posed here? Maybe the therapist has evening hours or weekend when you are free.

[Window]

As a BDD sufferer (comes with intense and horrifying social anxiety), I find I struggle with this very same issue. I worry I am actually offensive to look at and am less worthy that everyone else. (my reality not anyone else's reality) so that right there, helps me get to places when I'm scared to leave the house. These things help:

Do something physically active to calm nervouseness before you leave for an outing as it reduces anxiety somewhat.

Prepare to go a few hours before I need to leave.

Tell myself that there will be good karma at the end of my struggle if I just do one more difficult thing ( reward of cosmetic surgery that I "need" ) Does your partner crave something specific at all?

Don't look directly into peoples eyes ( I can't do this at all ) but rather just look "through" crowds, scenery etc. and find a place to mentally escape to ( fantasy land, daydreaming ) etc.

Here's been the most helpful one of all:

Remember Introverted Feeling (Fi) is focussing on Self emotion, and try and master Extroverted Feeling (Fe), to remember that other people may be in a hurry etc. for their own reasons, and no one actually wants to hurt me. This relieves inner self pressure for dealing with self hatred anxiety and paranoia that no one thinks I am deserving of good things, or even of being able to get by in a crowded side walk etc.

None of this might help at all, but it was what I could think of as I deal with the same misfortune as your partner, and this stuff helps me sometimes.

[michelle421]

hippie - i have not gone with her to therapy, but that's an excellent suggestion. i hadn't thought of that as an option, but i'd be happy to talk to my partner about that sometime. there are times where i think i'd really like to talk things out with her, and having a therapist can help facilitate that.

i also like that my partner and i talk a lot. we have very open communication, and she knows that sometimes i can get stressed and i am passive in general so it can be hard for me to speak up even when i know things aren't right. she mentioned to me that she wants to know how i feel too, and her therapist asks about how i am doing. the other day my partner said i had very good suggestions for her, i am glad to hear that i can help in some way.

window - thank you so much for your reply. i am so grateful to hear from your perspective, and your suggestions mean a lot to me. i am sorry to hear that you are struggling too. i will keep in mind what you have said, and i do think it will be helpful.
thanks again and take care!

[Window]

No problem, I hope it helps!

[michelle421]

thanks everyone for the support. i feel like life's always changing... which is good. every time things get so chaotic or stressful that i don't know what to do anymore it ends up calming down. as it goes... life goes up and life goes down. the waves come and go and we're still here.

i feel like shortly after i was starting to feel panicky about my partners emotional state, she calmed down and really started to get some perspective on life. it wasn't without it's struggles (a trip to the ER can really shake a person up). but i was with her along the way and i know the support is needed. she had a better meeting with her therapist, and i've felt like she's really done some work on thinking about her feelings and what kind of control she does have over her environment. this morning i went with her on her drive to her appt with her t, and that went well too. it's hard to deal with life sometimes... when we're really hurting and things seem so low. but things get better. i just hope to continue to gain insight and support because i know more struggles will be ahead. that's life...

thanks again.

Good luck to you both.