[Julial]

If this posting is a trigger for anyone dealing with a family member's suicide, please stop reading. My mother shot herself in June of last year and the panic attacks and anxiety kicked into high gear a couple of months ago. I am seeing a t and taking xanax as needed. The depression meds precribed by pdoc right after my mother's death made things way worse. I have opted to stay off of antidepressants and try omega and a decent nutritional diet. So far so good until lately. While I realize that Mother's Day and her death anniversary are triggers for me, it doesn't rationalize it for me. I take it easy with the xanax because I know my own dependence on feel good meds. But I still feel like crap, I still have panic attacks at the stupidest times (is there a good time), and my stomach just aches all the time. Not asking for a miracle; guess I just needed to vent. Thanks.

You have a lot to deal with, Julial. So sorry about your mother.

[NuckingFutz]

We have something in common...our mothers. Have you tried deep breathing exercises? I can had off panic attacks with no meds in under 5 minutes...been doing it for a while though. Maybe light a candle on mothers day and talk to her a little as if she was there. sending you safe hugs. I am greatful she didn't take us with her.

[Lisa Michelle]

Julial I'm sorry for your loss and sorry that this time of year brings you pain. The best thing I can really say is it will pass, it will probably be horrible, but it will pass.

I definitely don't recommend xanax, I think it made my anxiety so much worse (and it made me zombie-ish but I know sometimes that is welcomed) .. it's, as far as I know, not even prescribed in britain and I just assume there must be a reason for that.

Anyway, I hope you stay safe. Do you have anyone to comfort you during this difficult time? I do hope you feel better x

[Perna]

I'm glad you're seeing a T, Julial, I remember my anxiety when my stepmother got senile so fast and the roles were reversed and I was helping take care of her; all the issues in the relationship from when I was 4 and my own mother's death, etc. just snowballed. Not at all comfortable/easy.

I hope you can take good care of yourself and find some comfort while this time period slowly passes.

[Julial]

Thank you all for the kind and helpful words. Lisa, you are right about the xanax and so far I've held off taking it. I was diagnosed with bpd years ago but pretty much have that under control thanks to a good t, meditation and a great husband. I am in my fifties and find that it is getting easier to put things to rest. I understand the why's of my mother's actions but I can't help but feel that maybe I didn't do enough. While I understand it was her choice, it is hard to really really feel that way. Ah well, this too shall pass. Thanks again for everyone being there for me.

[lynn P.]

(((Julial))) - I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother in such a tragic way. I've also been touched by suicide - lost my brother 2 yrs ago. I went through all the emotions like shock, anger etc. Talking about it here and helping others who are upset has helped me a great deal. I've reached a point, where I won't allow what my brother did, darken my own life - this was his decision.

Try not to feel guilty, because often there isn't much anyone can do, when they're determined. Are you a mother yourself? Did you get along with her when she was alive? If you did, perhaps you can focus on the positive things about her. She must have been in alot of pain and it's impossible for us to rationalize an irrational decision. I'll pray you find healing.

[Hippie]

((((Julial)))) I hear what you're saying and it's so very sad to deal with this. Know you are in my thoughts.

[Julial]

Thank you Lynn, for sharing. Mother and I had a good relationship because I understood so much about her that she did not. She loved me to the best of her ability. My brother's wife took offense at her over 30 yrs ago and would not allow him to speak to her or my dad. My sister decided four yrs ago that she did not want to be a part of us and no longer speaks to any family members that are left. My brother is bipolar and my sister refuses to believe that she too, could have some issues (they don't speak to each other, either). I have come to the conclusion, I can't worry for all of them, nor do they want or need me to. I have two grown sons of my own and one granddaughter who is my sunshine. I am close to her father, my oldest son but my younger son and I are still a work in progress. But I did make a positive move today and adopted an 8 week old Blue Heeler puppy that will need a lot of attention and training. I feel that maybe I need to focus myself to being outside (I live on a farm, a recent move) and these kind of dogs are energetic and need to keep moving. My cat has other opinions on this matter! I am sorry about your brother, I know that is a big possibility with my own brother. Thanks again, everyone, for being here. Keep the faith.

[Skully]

I am sorry that mothers day is so hard for you. It is hard for me as well, my mom died 5 years ago of cancer. I still cry each mothers day.