Social Anxiety and Rude People...

A big issue with going out in public with me has always been the constant worry of others' opinions. Wondering what people are thinking, believing they are thinking the worst and constantly judging me
whether aloud or not.

I've tried to limit myself as far as running errands, buying groceries, etc. in fearof actually running into a situation where I'm put down verbally.

As far back as I can remember, I've always had a similar demeanor. People
think I look upset/mad/pissed off all the time, regardless if I am or not.
This seems to have gotten worse, from all the SSRI and mood stabilizers I've been on for 13 years now. I've always been extremely quiet and wanted to mind my own business and go about my day.
I've been called out alot by people because of this. Mostly sarcastic comments like "Boy, you look thrilled!" or "Smile, it won't kill you." To a certain point, I've gotten used to that. It is still extremely hurtful.

Yesterday I had to go out for groceries. I waited patiently in line, and as I sat my merchandise on the counter, the cashier started in right away with comments. "God! You look SO happy to be here today!" (in a completely loud, sarcastic way). There were other customers behind me in line,
so I just shook my head a little and looked down at the ground. The cashier then felt the need to comment further. "Is it just one of those days?!?" I responded, "It always is."

I was pretty upset at that point, and had hoped to just finish the transaction as
quickly as possible and get the hell out of the store. Then he commented further...
"Isn't a black shirt with a turtleneck kind of inappropriate for this time of year?"
I really was at a loss for words/thoughts on this.
I was trying to justify in my mind how some low-rent cashier had the right to comment on my demeanor, let alone my clothing!
Generally, I get the usual "how are you doing today?" And I tend to respond with "Fine/good, how are you?"
As difficult as it is for me to speak in public, I always have the courtesy to respond back. However, I couldn't deal with this guy. Finally, once he was going to hand me the receipt, he says "Well, hope the rest of your day isn't 'one of those days' and maybe next time you'll
dress more weather appropriate."

All I could do was cry on the way out of the store. I came home, didn't want to tell my husband what happened, but he pried it out of me. He called the store manager, who said the cashier in question "probably would have never said anything like that" and that he would "talk to him about it"
this morning. I somehow doubt this would even happen, and feel like there's something more I should do about it.

Has anyone else had any similar problems? How do you deal with them?

The cashier made inappropriate remarks. That's about him. For whatever reason, and it could also be social anxiety, he doesn't know how to connect with people in a positive way.

When you can see that others' remarks only speak about them, you won't have the mistaken belief that their remarks are about you. It takes practice and reminders to yourself, but eventually their words will lose any zing and hurtfulness. Next time you might even laugh at the absurdity of his idea that he can control/dictate what other's wear. Talk about delusional!

Sounds to me the cashier was just feelingless and rude, if I were you I would try not to pay much attention to it or perhaps just respond with something positive like "Well I hope you have a fantastic day too" next time. This will put the ball back into his court and perhaps make him put more thought into what he says to others.

In the end, what does it matter what this person you do not know thinks or feels about you, they are his emmotions and he will have to deal with them, just try not to allow them to have a negative effect on your emmotions or life.

Sounds to me as if the cashier is someone who feels embarrassed at being a cashier and is using rudness to place himself into a position of power over those he perceives to be "superior" to.

This particular egomaniacal mindset is seen often in those who feel they are better than where they work, too good for the job they are in. The typical "I'm an actor and this job is only a fill in" mentality.

It used to happen to me with one guy in particular who would seem totally enjoyed hanging crap on me if I ever ended up in his queue. At first I ignored it and ignored him but it got worse. Eventually I just responded with "Are you aware that sarcasm and rudeness is a poor mans attempt at intellectual witt and superiority?"

That completely floored him because he didn't understand what I had said. The people in the line behind me understood it and laughed...but he just went betroot red and did not say anything to me after that. But everytime I was in his line I would smile and ask him "how are you today?".

I don't for a moment think that cashier work is lowly work. It is a service based position...some people however are just not nice enough to be in service roles,

Rhiannon

Sorry this happened to you, Mixtress82. The cashier was totally out of line. It is easy to say do not let what the cashier said bother you. The fact is it did and it appears the cashier's manager could us some remedial customer relations work.

If this is a chain store, I would consider sending an email to the store's web site detailing what happened and expressing your displeasure at the way the cashier treated you and manager's implication that the cashier would not act that way.

Those with a mental illness are entitled to respect too.

Be well.

Hi Mixtress82

Here are my few rambling thoughts.

I was a lonely, abused, bullied child. Kindegarten through 11th grade (when I finally left home and school) was a nightmare. Every freaking day. One school counselor, teacher, principal after another instructed me on how to make it better--smile. Be more friendly. Don't look so glum all the time. etc. All the while turning their heads from the abuse I'm sure now they had to suspect was going on at home.

For the longest time I thought it was me. That if only I could smile. And be cheerful. Be fun and pleasant to be around. People would stop hurting me and wanting to be my friend. I'm 45 now. I still am not a smiler. I'm generally cautious, quiet, observeful (is that a word). I wear black. I wear a black leather jacket nearly 365 days a year. I like to be warm and cozy. I like my body to be covered. I get the looks and the comments. Oh, and I have unruely hair, am usually overweight, and a manly look about me. My complexion isn't good either.

I was married to a man from India with a cleft lip. A lovely man. Unfortuneately he died at age 32. He was from a totally different culture. And some of the most important things he taught me had to do with American culture. As Americans, we are programmed to be polite, to stand in "queue", to answer when spoken to, and to take stock of what other people say.

He received negative comments all the time. Together, we ALWAYS got some sort of remark when we went out. At first, I could barely stand it. It never phased him a bit. I wanted to know how he could bear it so well. Then, he taught me that there was nothing really to bear. Their words and thoughts were just that--theirs. I did not have to let them into my space. I did not have to give them the power to affect me--and that was exactly what I was doing. I had the power to make the words and looks hurt, or not. I had the power to NOT make a casual remark (they probably would forget in the next 3 minutes) into something that would take up vaulable minutes/hours/days of my life.

Easy to say, eh? Ok, so I still struggle with it, too. But I practice what to say AND THINK when there is a comment or a look. I practice often. Sometimes I practice saying nothing--just looking them in the eye and moving on. I am prepared. I've been doing it a long time now. Often it works for me. Sometimes, it doesn't.

I can't tell you to not let it bother you. I have been there--still am sometimes. But know that you aren't alone. And if it helps, you can borrow my favorite "comeback". Are you ready... "I'm rubber and you're glue..." You know the rest. Yes, I've really said that in public and it cracks me up inside every time. You should see the looks I get then!

Be blessed,
LW

(still not smiling)

sorry this happened to you...talk about a loser of a cashier. i have the same problem with leaving home and having to interact with people at times. the grocery store especially. they ask how i am doing, expecting fine and you, and i usual say "LOVELY" in a sarcastic syrupy tone of voice that usually stops them dead in their tracks and shuts them up. they dont know how to take it and i get out of there asap with my transaction. probably not the most healthy way to handle the situation but thats how i feel some days and i wear it on my sleeve too. other days are literally fine. i hate rude people and would make a point of making a scene with the manager if this happened to me-but we are all different. its great that you have a supportive husband. i hope you feel better soon.

I have the same problem of not being able to defend myself from the rude people; in my case it is more often an unkind remark from a normal person.

Contrary to putting the blame on him, I would think about why he that power over me and why I feel bad and why I could not defend myself.
So, when we get hurt, there are two things to look for:
1. Why I feel so bad when somebody says so and so to me
2. Why I cannot defend myself

For me, the answers to these questions were:

1. Why I feel so bad when somebody says so and so to me

The words that hurt us are what is true for us and we are ashamed of and trying to hide from other people. I will not feel bad if somebody calls me 'unfit, lazy person' because I know I am not. But I will feel bad if somebody calls me a bald, socially awkward person which I am Chances are that we are berating ourselves internally and hurting ourselves. So, we need to be more loving towards ourselves so that we do not feel our drawbacks are worth feeling ashamed about (like I being bald or socially awkward).

2. Why I cannot defend myself

In my case, I have been a pleasing person all my life and my fantasy was people are very powerful and if I please people, they will not hurt me. I have spent most of my social time in pleasing people rather than building the requisite skills of defending myself verbally or identifying why I am afraid of talking back to people.
For me, any conflict is an invitation to a group of people to humiliate me. So, that's why I have not built any backbone till now. So, I have been running away from conflicts and talking back will create one.

So, maybe you can find out answers to these questions for you and it will help you.