[GreyGoose]

Hi

What follows is a private diary I've kept for the last 2-1/2 weeks. I've had anxiety and panic for ages but it's been just horrible lately and I really wanted to start keeping a diary and even share it with all of you to get some feedback. Here is a private look into my daily struggles with this beast. Perhaps many of you can relate. I'd love to hear from you...

* THURSDAY (Jul 21, 2005): Drank 4-5 beers in an attempt to relieve the horrible feelings I'm having (RLS, anxiety, yucky feeling all over, etc). That night as I lay in bed, a mild shock-like sensation went across the front of my neck (weird). Awoke at 4:00AM, sat at the computer for an hour and finally crawled back into bed.

* FRIDAY (Jul 22, 2005): Woke up feeling good and well-rested. Took a long walk, had only one cup of coffee and got a lot done around the house. I had some pretty bad heart palpitations later that day so I took a whole Atenolol (I usually don't take it at all or I just take a 1/2 of one). I also took a Lorazepam because my anxiety was acting up again and later, I had just one beer with my dinner. For the rest of the evening I just did'nt feel right at all. My stomach felt very sensitive (but not nauseous), I felt very weak and I had mild chills (but not fever-type chills) come over me every so often. I felt horrible but my temp was normal on the digital thermometer (97.9 just now when I took it). I've had diarrhea all day - perhaps from drinking yesterday).

* SATURDAY (Jul 23, 2005): Woke up feeling quite a bit better. Had one cup of decaf coffee. It is now 10:48AM and I feel extremely weak and fatiqued. My stomach still feels a little sensitive at times but not as bad as yesterday. I have not taken any meds yet today. My nose has also been dripping a little bit. UPDATE: It's 4:36 now and I took a Hydroxyzine about 4 hours ago. I feel so weak and tired...like a limp dish rag. My anxiety is really bad too so I just took a Lorazepam. I think I was bitten by a mosquito about 3-4 days ago (my finger itched for a day and a half and I killed a mosquito in the bathroom later on) and wonder if I ended up with West Nile Virus or something. I hav'nt had a bowel movement all day.

NOTE: for the past several months if I look at something head-on, I see it normally but if I turn my head to the left or right (while maintaining focus on the object), I see an overlapping image (or double vision if I turn my head really far to the left or right while focusing on the object). The farther away the object, the greater the double-visiion effect). My left eye is very blurry too and I see double out of it sometimes.

* SUNDAY (Jul 24, 2005): I hav'nt had a drink in several days. My stomach burned like fire all night (I have GERD). I quit breathing during the night and woke up gasping for air but finally caught my breath and went back to sleep. I've been having some mild shortness of breath and the visual distortions are continuing (ie; when I look at my keyboard the keys look kind of scrambled, etc). I still feel weak. One good thing is that I hav'nt had "Restless legs" (RLS) in 3 days now. I am drinking a cup of decaf now and will write more later. UPDATE (11:38AM): My anxiety was acting up really bad so I just took a Lorazepam. My stools were "firm" this morning but now I have diarrhea again (alcohol withdrawal?). ANOTHER UPDATE (1:18PM): A little while after taking the Lorazepam, I was feeling considerably better (anxiety and some other symptoms gone) and cleaned both the goose and goat pen (a major task!). More later if I feel good.

* MONDAY (Jul 25, 2005): Well, I ended up having a really good day yesterday. The Lorazepam seemed to wipe out a lot of my symptoms and I was able to get a TON of things done and even drank a few beers that evening (but did NOT get enebriated), ate a nice dinner and even watched a movie. I went to bed feeling really good too but sweated a lot throughout the night (anxiety?...alcohol?...illness?). I seem to sweat more often after drinking alcohol for some reason. Alcohol also makes me dehydrated and have soft stools/diarrhea I've noticed. This morning, I feel kind of drained/weak but not as bad as yesterday. I will write more later. UPDATE (4:23PM) I just remembered that when I woke up this morning, there was a stabbing pain in the center of my left wrist. I also noticed that when I poke at this area, it feels like powerful electrical jolts are coming out of my thumb and index finger. I've also had some mild tingling in the little finger and the finger next to that in my right hand.

* TUESDAY (Jul 26, 2005): Well, outside of some mild anxiety and other problems, I don't feel all that bad this morning (not necessarilly good but I don't feel horrible either). I did have some mild RLS again in the middle of the night but not too bad. UPDATE (10:07 AM) My anxiety is starting to get pretty bad so I just took a Lorazpam. UPDATE (11:48 AM) My anxiety has calmed down quite a bit and I have been doing a lot of things around the house.

* WEDNESDAY (Jul 27, 2005): Felt fairly "normal" today. My restless legs have been acting up off and on (almost always when I lay down in bed to sleep) and I have varying degrees of discomfort. I have been taking Lorazepam during the day for really severe anxiety which starts late in the mornings (The Lorazepam has worked wonders for this!) and Atarax at night (sometimes). Still having numbness, stiffness, pain, etc in left hand where I have carpal tunnel, ulnar nerve entrapment and I where I just recently had tendon suregry.

* THURSDAY (Jul 28, 2005): Ditto

* FRIDAY (Jul 29, 2005): Ditto

* SATURDAY (Jul 30, 2005): Ditto

* SUNDAY (Jul 31, 2005): Ditto

* MONDAY (Aug 1, 2005): Fell asleep on floor while watching TV. Woke up. Turned head to left to look at window to see if it was daylight yet and had severe positional vertigo. It felt like my whole body was spinning/rotating and sinking into the floor (VERY intense and very scary!). I've never experienced vertigo this bad and it was far worse that just a simple "head rush" you might get if you stood up really fast, etc. I am deeply concerned about this.

* TUESDAY (Aug 2, 2005): I still don't feel quite right (kind of spacy and "out of it" from yesterday). I would really like to get a CT SCAN w/contrast just to rule anything out involving my brain. All these wierd symptoms are starting to really concern me.

* WEDNESDAY (Aug 3, 2005): Woke up, had coffee. I took a Lorazepam for anxiety. Right now I don't feel too bad. Will write more later.

* THURSDAY (Aug 4, 2005): Woke up very early (1:30AM) and felt very anxious and nervous. Sat at the computer for awhile and had a HORRIBLE panic attack at about 2:00AM. I took a Lorazepam and crawled back into bed. Had all kinds of weird feelings in my right foot, short of breath, weird sensations in my head and had a terrible time getting back to sleep. It was AWFUL!!. It's now 2:24PM and the anxiety is still there below the surface. UPDATE: (12:11AM) Just woke up and am feeling "ok" but still don't feel right.

* FRIDAY (Aug 5, 2005): It's 7:33PM. I've been feeling anxious and my head has felt all foggy/spacey today. I'm concerned about my vision problems. My eyes just get all buggy and if I turn my head to the right or left, I see double. I had itching on my index finger where I had tendon surgery for a day and a half and it has been numb ever since but I may have been having problems before because of the reasons I've already stated in other parts of this diary. Again, I would be VERY interested in a CT scan w/contrast and an ultrasound of my neck/arteries. I don't think I've ever had one and would like to rule out anything serious. That positional vertigo attack the other day REALLY scared me to death!.

* SATURDAY (Aug 6, 2005): Anxiety as usual. Took a Lorazepam and it went away within an hour but I made the mistake of having a few drinks later this evening (I don't drink every day by the way and I don't really get "drunk").

* SUNDAY (Aug 7, 2005): I should never have had those drinks last night. Alcohol seems to make my anxiety MUCH worse and I had all kinds of lucid nightmares and panic attacks off and on throughout the night. I woke up and took a Lorazepam and I have not (and will not) be having ANY alcohol today!. I still hav'nt fully recovered from my initial positional vertigo attack and although I hav'nt had another once since the other day, every once in awhile, I still get this weird "elevator" like sensation in my head (it's really weird and causes me to have a panic attack). It's like having "butterflies" in your head instead of in your stomach and it scares me and makes me really want to have a CT scan/neck ultrasound to see what is going on once and for all.

END

I have had TONS of tests and so far, everything has come back "normal". Just wanted to share this and would LOVE some input, suggestions, advice, etc.

- Regards, Greygoose

[CedarS]

"I should never have had those drinks last night. Alcohol seems to make my anxiety MUCH worse and I had all kinds of lucid nightmares and panic attacks off and on throughout the night."

"Just wanted to share this and would LOVE some input, suggestions, advice, etc."

My suggestion: do not drink alcohol. Does not matter if you drink every day or not, does not matter if you feel drunk when you drink or not. Consider the possibility that you should not drink alcohol.

Get into a recovery program. Inpatient if possible. Go to meetings religiously. Get books on recovery and read. Work the program, if you won't do 12 step, find another method, there are many.

Do not drink alcohol. No excuses. Give this an honest attempt, take it one minute at a time, one day at a time. Clean out all the alcohol from your house and do not buy anymore.

Sarah

[Parker10]

I am not sure you really want my comments, but GG, you have got to turn off your "SCANNER" ! Your anxiety disorder has totally taken over your life. You diary entries are showing this 100% - you are still hoping for a medical condition rather than deal with the anxiety disorder the proper way.

HOW many times have you posted here that you KNOW alcohol makes u worse and you will not drink again? You might want to reread your posts just so you will be aware of the number of times.

You have just had "every test known to man" and they were all negative. What else is it going to take to get you into see a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders? More inportantly, what is it going to take to get you to ACCEPT you have it, rather than some mysterious disease that was not detected in all that lab work?

I am sure many people think I sound harsh here - but please please please believe me when I say in the 1980's, I could have written almost word for word what you have in your diary (MINUS the alcohol - never did that). I KNOW how horrible you feel - I KNOW how desperate you are - because I was in your shoes for 17 years. I actually prayed for cancer or a brain tumor, just to HAVE a diagnosis, but once I GOT the diagnosis of PAD - I was thrilled and I worked my butt off to overcome it. YOU have to do the work to get better...........and while journaling is a GOOD thing - it is not going to "cure" you. You need coping skills, means to change your "stinkin thinkin", to learn about catastrophizing, change your WHAT IF's, etc etc etc.

You admit to having a alcohol problem - and have actually posted about being totally drunk, then swear you will never drink again, acknowledge once an alcoholic always an alcoholic - but u continue to self medicate with alcohol.

PLEASE try therapy. You have exhausted the medical tests, wouldnt it make sense to at least try therapy?

******Please take note - GG ASKED for input.********

[CedarS]

hi sweetie.....just know that i care about you........julia

[Myzen]

Grey,

I would like to say that although you are suffering dreadfully, your posts are very helpful for others. You give us a clear insight into what it is like when an anxiety disorder is really bad, and I have to tell you honestly that your disorder is really bad at the moment.

We would all like to see you break out of the loop, because we can feel where you are.

Good thoughts, M

[GreyGoose]

There is no way on earth I could ever repay all of you or thank you all enough for the numerous replies and how much better you've made me feel. I wish I could address each individual reply in great detail but let me just say that it is obvious that you folks really DO care about your fellow human being and having freinds, online or off, is vital to keeping my sanity through all this. Again, Thank You!!.

I've been at the heart center all day and have a bunch of tests lined up so I'll basically be "living" there for the next week or so while they do all these tests (stress test w/isotope, holter monitor, EKG, Cardiac Study, carotid artery ultrasound, etc). Then, I go for a CT-scan w/contrast of my brain and next, to the eye doctor. During this time, I have to fast, no caffeine, etc. Anyway, just an update and thank's again people!!!

Whoops...here is my diary entry for today (almost forgot)...

* MONDAY: (Aug 7, 2005): I did'nt drink at all yesterday and don't plan on touching a drop today either. Last night, as I sometimes do, I took an Atarax to help with Alcohol withdrawl and to help me sleep. I lay there and felt hot and sweaty even though the AC was on and also had a small panic attack (shock feeling, adrenilin rush, heart racing, etc) but finally fell asleep. My RLS was kind of bad last night too. Woke up this morning and felt very drugged but slept well. More later.

- GreyGoose

[GreyGoose]

Well, all the "excitement" was a little bit too much for me and I had a few glasses of my beloved gin and lemon-lime soda but I feel on cloud 9 right now and am especially thrilled about the carotid artery ultrasound because that was a BIG ONE for me since I have had dizzy spells and other problems for years and I have had LOT'S of people tell me that I should have this particular test done. I'm elated about it actually!. My doctor was a middle-eastern gentleman and his office had degrees from YALE all over the wall, etc so this guy is REALLY a serious pro. His bedside manner was also so friendly and professional that I almost felt like a spoiled kid. Anyway, you people are AWESOME!!!.

[Parker10]

[GreyGoose]

Hi Parker

Please PM or IM me Parker. I am feeling very good about the tests I am having but maybe we need to talk again. Incidentally, I do not resent anything you have said to me and welcome your input and look forward to having a chat with you -.

yippee!!!!!! more good news!!!!!!!

[GreyGoose]

Well, I got very intoxicated last night (I'm sorry to say) and with my head spinning, I decided to go outside and clean up the barn. The next think I knew, I woke up at about 4:00AM and my pet goat was sniffing my face. I must not have gotten very far with my cleaning before I "passed out" because I found myself laying in goat droppings and the left sleeve of my shirt was soaked in goat urine. With all the hay, urine, etc plus my allergies and my HANGOVER, I felt like someone had pickled my brain in vinegar for two days. I went back inside, sat at the computer for an hour, popped a Lorazepam and hit the sack and woke up at noon.

I went into the bathroom at some point and discovered that my last duck had died overnight so this was another blow. Then I spent the rest of the day fasting with NO caffeine and at 4:15PM took off for the heart clinic where I had a stress test done in which they pumped me full of some stuff, put me in some strange-looking machine for what seemed like forever, then onto a treadmill, then two more injections of whatever they put in me, then an EKG, then back into the machine again, etc. For some strange reason whenever, I have an IV put in even if they only use contrast dye, saline or isotopes, I end up feeling slightly under the weather for a few days thereafter and have mild sweats (anyone else get this??).

Anyway, all day I've been feeling very foggy-headed, buggy-eyed and it's like I'm on another planet or something. Maybe because I skipped coffee this morning. Maybe from last night's drunk or from falling asleep in the filthy barn. Who knows.

Anyway, just sharing. Thank's for listening and for all the nice replies.

- GreyGoose

[happysoul]

I've been reading your past few entries and I can feel for you....I dont understand how you can keep going for those medical tests? What if they really do find something wrong with you...how can you handle the bad news? I couldn't handle it...the diagnosis would kill me...and if it didn't in a timely fashion I would want to be unconcious while I wait.

so sorry you're feeling so bad and so sorry about your duck

[CedarS]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"Well, I got very intoxicated last night (I'm sorry to say) and with my head spinning, I decided to go outside and clean up the barn. The next think I knew, I woke up at about 4:00AM and my pet goat was sniffing my face. I must not have gotten very far with my cleaning before I "passed out" because <font color="red">I found myself laying in goat droppings and the left sleeve of my shirt was soaked in goat urine.</font> "

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[I changed the color of some of the quote for emphasis.]


My suggestion: do not drink alcohol. Does not matter if you drink every day or not, does not matter if you feel drunk when you drink or not. Consider the possibility that you should not drink alcohol.

Get into a recovery program. Inpatient if possible. Go to meetings religiously. Get books on recovery and read. Work the program, if you won't do 12 step, find another method, there are many.

Do not drink alcohol. Give this an honest attempt, take it one minute at a time, one day at a time. Clean out all the alcohol from your house and do not buy anymore.

Get your alcoholism addressed, get into recovery, have your use of Lorazepam also evaluated. Find a mental health therapist and learn self help techniques to assist you in coping with anxiety and other challenges.

Sarah

[Parker10]

TO HappySoul ! When we have severe anxiety disorders, and won't accept that all the physical symptoms are a result of the anxiety, we will have test after test done to try to find a medical cause for our suffering. I did that for 17 years. (BUT - I did not know I had an anxiety disorder - I truly thought I was dying of something medical). All my tests were normal, then I read an article about panic and anxiety disorder and BOOM - I knew what was wrong with me and got help. It is very hard work to overcome years and years of issues that arise from have PAD, therefore, some people would rather keep looking for a medical reason, rather than accept anxiety for the beast that it is and do the work to get better. Sometimes people can deal with a medical diagnosis - even if it is serious, easier than a mental health diagnosis. RIght now it seems that GreyGoose is so determined to find a medical cause for his pain and suffering, he cannot and will not deal with the anxiety in a healthy way. I believe he would be thrilled to have one of these tests come back showing something is wrong, rather than accept all his suffering is anxiety related. (Of course, there is a chance he has a medical condition as well, but the underlying issue is anxiety - and alcoholism, and they are things only HE can deal with. IF there is a medical issue -he can rely on a Doctor to "make him better". )

************These are issues I have discussed with GreyGoose, I do not pretend to know what his medical status is, but stating what I know to be true of Anxiety Disorders, and what I know to be true from what he and I have chatted about.************************

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((GG))))))))))))))))))))))))