[feary]

why won't I allow myself to get better?

why won't I give anything a chance to help me?

why don't I have trust in anything going right?

my abuser is living fully and so is his family who are mean selfish people

the first medication he tried worked for him, he is so stable and can fully care for and enjoy our kids

my ex's sister married into a noble family who treats her like a goddess while I married into hers where I was treated like a cockroach

and my family who are grand philanthropists and charity workers and the most unselfish and caring and kind people are all suffering through tons of hardships

I was a good person too- I always felt better if others did, I never envied, I preferred if others were happy first

Anyone that needed help, I would silently provide it

I took care of others while I myself was suffering

My parents spent all their life savings and sweating hard work earned money to helping others in the family and community rise above while they were depleted

I don't understand why they get to be peaceful and content while my family suffers endlessly with hardship after hardship?

Is the key to life being selfish, mean, evil, manipulative, abusive, intimidating, egoistic, non-compassionate, heartless, ruthless, bad people and only then good things happen to you?

I am so tough and harsh on myself

why won't I allow myself to be well?

why didn't any medication help me and cause me horrendous side effects?

I don't think I will ever be well

After two years and everything slapping you in the face, what else can you do except give in?

[Perna]

Takes time and a lot of work (grieving) when things are at their most difficult. Comparing with others can't help much because there are always others doing better and worse and, in any event, we can't know how another is doing in their own life, just how their life looks to us, not the same thing.

[ECHOES]

feary, it seems like an old coping mechanism that is now a defense: the energy you put into insisting that there is no way out is a way a chld copes when there is no way out...because a child is dependent on adults for survival. It isn't helpful to you now, though. It keeps you from what you want.

[NuckingFutz]

Karma isn't always "instant". Things will turn around. I hope you feel gladness in your heart soon.

[NuckingFutz]

I almost forgot...you have to give to yourself too...think of yourself as a vessel of water. If your pour all your water into everyone elses, you will have no water left to share ane you will soon become thirsty yourself.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello ((((((((feary))))))))

Maybe you feel this way because you feel you have no one to rely on, no one to lean on now that you are an adult? Or because there is no one to rely on you and make you feel more useful or better about your position?

Putting all of your wellness into making others comfortable first has depleted you to the "panic level" and now you are at the empty level and you feel you have literally nothing left to give and so you feel unhappy because you feel useless?

Maybe medications don't work because your own mind is too heavy set in the decision that you will fail and that nothing will work for you since your marriage ended? I may be very wrong there, but most of us go through that stage and anxiety makes it worse. I do know how you feel feary; I feel very supportive of you because I've been through what you are going through now. I know the seemingly enless climb to the top of the pit only to be either dragged back down by depression or slide back down because of the anxiety and panic.

But you will only be able to start making real progress when you let go of resentment of your ex and his family. Sometimes things just do not work out and we have to let them go. If you keep your mind steeped in resentment that is all it will know, and I am hoping that is not what you want for yourself. Conscious letting go is the thing that can strengthen you by not allowing the issue you are letting go of, to control you and your thoughts any longer than absolutely necessary. I'm not into revenge but if there has to be any, let success be the best revenge feary, your success

Rhiannon

[feary]

I could do great things, I could be a great mother

if only the thoughts and fears and depression and anxiety would cease