[lavieenrose]

I've always had frequent, intense anxiety and depression at jobs, either feeling incompetent or bored. Either the job felt beyond me or beneath me. My ego was in the way. It was hard to get engaged with the work. Eight hours would seem like sixteen, and I'd fret, thinking about how I could continue showing up week after week, month after month. I was in a helping profession on and off for 15 years, and had conflict with authority figures, called in sick too much and was terminated more than a few times, though my work with clients was never criticized. I had impossibly high standards for myself, and as a result, felt inadequate and anxious most of the time. When my mood was stable, I could feel some pleasure and competence at work. This was maybe 30% of the time. The rest of the time I felt trapped.

Always competing for my attention during the work day was the near constant obsession that I should be living my passion, as an entrepreneur artist/designer in textiles, handcraft, and home decor. However, terrible self-esteem, disorganization, insufficient drive and energy, and the same impossible perfectionism made that goal extremely difficult. In my ADD style, I followed every creative whim, in too many media, rather than honing a skill, and developing a product. Art/craft is a tough road for even functional people.

I went on disability 6 or 7 years ago because of the depression, ADD, and anxiety. I'm single, there's no other financial support. I want to get out of this poverty and scarcity lifestyle that I've created. I'm now in my mid-fifties, and that makes me feel that it's too late to re-enter the job market and earn a professional salary. A job has to pay enough to afford health insurance since I'd lose medicare/medicaid.

I've spent the 6 or 7 years spinning in circles with all these issues, unable to figure out how to manage my stress, perfectionism, ego, boredom, and difficulty with memory, learning new skills and procedures when I find them tedious. If you've read this far, you deserve some sort of award. I am signed up with a voc rehab agency, but they expect me to know what I want from them. That's a problem. Any thoughts, ideas are greatly appreciated.

[lavieenrose]

I just had this brilliant insight. Being at a job I don't love will be hard a lot, interspersed with moments of okayness. Just like life. Being a talented, eccentric and scattered artisan (and needing real money), having to produce, and to market myself, will also be hard a lot. Being at home all day, impoverished, alone, not helping anyone, least of all myself, is maybe harder than being at an imperfect job, doing it imperfectly. Maybe facing the unpleasant feelings moment by moment is the best I can do, knowing that they aren't there 100% of the time. I don't know. I'm making this up as I go along. Sorry for this tome. Maybe I should write up the rest of my memoir and look for a publisher.

[sundog]

(((((((((lavieeinrose))))))))) I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do have some hugs

I think your insight is a really good one. Facing the unpleasant feelings as they arise while keeping in mind that the pleasant moments will return again definitely sounds like a good way forward. I'm sorry it's so difficult with the depression, anxiety and ADD. Do you enjoy being artistic and creative for it's own sake? Is it relaxing at all? Or is it problematic because you feel - as you mention here - that you "should" be making a career out of it??

I hope there is a way for you to enjoy your creativity and artistic skills in their own right again. I would love to be creative and artistic!!!!!! It must be wonderful having these talents!!

Good luck with the voc rehab agency. And I hope others here will have some constructive suggestions

[lavieenrose]

Thanks, Sundog. For many years, it was a driving passion for it's own sake. I think it probably needs to remain in that capacity. I get screwed up when I add the pressure of making it a business. I've lost steam for art in the past year. Maybe it's temporary. I can't complete my thoughts at the moment.

[Perna]

I would try to find some craft that is "practical". A couple of years ago I took quilting (machine) and went to a store owned by one woman who had other women come in, on their own, and teach; they didn't work for her, I paid my teacher directly a small fee and she worked one-on-one with me once a week. It was great, remembering my sewing and learning a new craft and getting to know a few people in a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere. I made a lap quilt for my elderly aunt and feel really good about that, have a king-sized quilt I made for my own bed that I love and designed, made, or fixed a few cloth items around my house (new pillow covers and mats to go on my furniture to help keep the cat hair down from my two cats, etc.). But it felt good to be supporting the small store and the teacher too.

Pick something you think you might like and see if you can give it a try and work it into something? You don't have to suddenly start tomorrow at a full-time job that has insurance and benefits; you can work into it; the support you now receive will continue until you can get to a place where you probably don't want/need it. Just start slow and see if you can't "improve" your life in a way that is interesting to you; don't worry about the rest right this minute, just see what you can start with, now.

[lavieenrose]

Perna thanks for your input. In the past a fiber gallery/classroom, the city Rec. Dept., and a craft school were willing for me to teach. Each time, the horrible anxiety and self-doubt immediately set in and kept building. I started believing that I'm not talented enough, not calm, clear-thinking, sane enough for teaching (or for anything else, for that matter).

I know that I must face down those life-long fears that have made my life so small and dull, robbed me of richness. It's the same in the realm of friendship and romance. Fears tell me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, sane enough, that no one would be interested, that they already have enough friends. So, I'm the one who appears disinterested and I hang back. I'm getting off on a tangent here. I've vowed so many times to keep moving forward inspite of self-doubt, and then I buckle. I have to get up and try again. Nothing else to do, if I am ever to improve the quality of my life.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Hello,

I totally identify with your post. I too have lost so many jobs due to absences and believing I'm above or below the job. They never complained about my work, just that I didn't show up reliably. So in essence, I was a "flake" in their minds.
I am always hoping that my depression and anxiety will improve enough where I will be able to maintain a job and normal lifestyle instead of the poor situation I am in now.
The vocational rehab program sounds good. I would tell them exactly what is your passion, your dream job. Then hopefully they can find something that you can work in that uses at least a fraction of what interests you.
I think that even if you get a job and it is not the creative outlet or experience that you want, you need to find something creative in the area that you like outside of your job, as a hobby. That way, no matter what you are still able to be creative and show your artistic self.

Z

[lavieenrose]

Thanks so much MustKeep for your thoughts on this. They're helpful. I do need to "prime the pump" and get back to creativity, whether it's for pay or for my soul. Thanks to everyone.