as most of you know, i've had many surgeries upon my left breast. so many that i've spent long periods of time without the use of my left arm and spent more hours than i care to think about in physical therapy.

and you also know that it has really been hurting very much lately. even if i'm not consciously thinking about it, the fear is in the back of my mind that i'll have to have my 12th surgery. and emotionally, i'm not certain that i can handle that. this is crazy, but i've o nly had two surgeries without the ex there and it just scares the holy moses out of me to be in a hospital without the kind of support that i got from him. the two times i had surgery and other people were there turned into a holy hellish experience. so...i have to get over that.

the pain today is incredibly bad. i had to work until 9:30 and then went to buy gros. the store was cold and of course that causes the muscle spasms, etc. etc. etc. i'd like to just do the surgery myself. that's extreme, but when you've been operated on 11 times....it starts getting to you. and when the breast hurts, i have pain transference that goes to my ribs and my shoulder. i hold myself differently and it makes the other areas really hurt.

so, now i know the reason for some of the most recent anxiety attacks. i just don't know what to do about them. xooxx pat

[wisewoman]

Oh Pat, I am sorry you are going through all of this. I believe whenever ANYONE is in the hospital they need an advocate 24/7 with them. Hospitals are dangerous places. I hope your pain subsides and your health straightens out.

thank you, WW. having worked as a patient advocate in an ER, i truly know how much you need someone who knows their way around the "hosp talk" and such. i don't have anyone like that now.

[__zh]

nothing but frowny faces at thinking about the pain you're in so sorry to hear this.

good that you've identified the source of anxiety.

wishing we could send an instant advocate/friend to assist you through this next stage of things.

we're feeling very helpless trying to think of things that you don't already know yourself. coming up totally blank.

please keep this space up to date if surgery is required as there are many who wish to support you through these kind of things.

w/o power and feeling useless to your situation other than offering to read or listen.

((((fayerody)))) does the live (dogs) comforter help at all at nighttime for warmth and comfort?

the dog comforter (the big one, fayeroe) sleeps all warm and snuggly up against my back. the little one, lita chiquita, sleeps up by my head and gives me very economical little kisses during the night, if i stir. timmee, the obese feline, who sleeps inside occasionally, always gets in the crooks of my knees. so, i'm pretty well "comforted by my fur comforters".........

[__zh]

that makes us happy picturing the animals all tucked up around you.

now if they only had powerful pain relieving properties as well.........

at least your fur children keep you warm and insist on your knowing they love you. what else could explain those economical little kisses during the night?? we'd prefer that to the slobbery kisses alarm clock provided by our eighty pounds of canine love.

[wisewoman]

ahhh, the power of fur...

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((pat)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine the extreme pain or anxieties that you face.

We're here and listening.

Sending you healing thoughts full of peace.

kd

thank you, one and all. it's the same old drill. i take two meds at night and they last til about 3 pm. i drift til bedtime....i'm really thankful that i have that window. the worst time is when i forget and the pain gets ahead of what the med can do. ouch!

[wi_fighter]

I like my cats around me when I'm not feeling well, too, as long as they don't get me contorted and uncomfortable.

These Salon Pas plasters I got today for my neck are great, and cheap. Would something like that help your kind of pain? They last 6-8 hours.

((((((((Pat))))))

[Fuzzybear]

I am so sorry for all you are going through Pat, I can't even imagine that sort of pain and anxiety. Those of us who haven't been through trauma like that are very "fortunate". I wish there was something I could do or say to help, but we are all behind you and sending our love and support. I will be awaiting updates in this spot ((((((((((((((((((((Pat)))))))))))))))))))))

Soft flowery hugs (purple ones!)

Petunia

thanks.......guys.........i think i have some salon pas patches. sorry you had to pay so much for them, shirley. i get 40 for 1.32. the pain is deep inside, close to the rib cage and it involves muscles, adhesions and a stretching pain. a massage would help.

[bluesman]

Hi Pat,
I must commend you on being a very strong brave soul for going through what you have been through. Its obvious from this site that you have alot of support and positive thought being sent your way. Knowing that your (ex) is there in spirit, I hope will comfort you also.

I have a strong feeling you're going to get through this just fine !!

blues, thank you so very much for your post. sometimes, i feel strong and other times, i feel as thought i'm just melting away...down into nothingness.

this forum is so supportive and giving that i'm staying vertical at least. that, within itself, is good!! i really appreciate all of the support that i'm receiving....