Nervous about moving away

Perhaps you can help me.

I'm in my early twenties and an undergraduate student majoring in biology. I've got a 3.6 gpa.

I am moderately anxious about transferring to a school farther away in the fall. I currently commute to class.

The main sticking point for me is that the last time I did this I screwed up spectacularly. I am horrifically afraid of moving out, though I want to do so for grad school.

I am... not a people person. People, as you know, are usually fairly irrational. Having been hurt by the irrational decisions of others in often severe ways at a rate that is probably more than my share of pain (I don't want to go into it - suffice to say there are certain places I avoid and certain times, when a vehicle I am a passenger in drives past certain places, that I shut my eyes. I had depression once and was successfully treated for it), I am scared of suffering at the hands of those who are overly emotional or too quick to act or have problems thinking logically. Fundamentalist Abrahamic types, for example, make me nervous.

It's hard for me to find people who really 'operate on my wavelength' and who I find trustworthy, too.

Stuff like this is energy-sapping - do you realize how much energy it takes just to keep sane in the face of all the people out there who have an inadequate amount of marbles? - and indeed the last time I did this I was also depressed, so neglected my health, diet, and cleanliness. This has been solidly remedied, but I am afraid of the probability that I will neglect it again.

Get your neurons working and give me some ideas.

Hi 5HTP

'I had depression once and was successfully treated for it'

You may have been successfully treated for depression, and may no longer be ill, but you might still have a lot of pain to work through. When one is depressed one is very vulnerable and the malicious, callous or just unthinking actions of others can do a LOT of harm (I'm speaking from experience).

Perhaps you are now overly reactive to other people? Also, it sounds like you may be missing out on a lot of positive experiences as a result of avoiding situations that MIGHT be painful. (eg. not socializing).

Therapy, in particular, cognitive therapy may help you understand yourself and be more KIND to yourself,

'I screwed up spectacularly'

doesn't sound like a balanced judgment of past events. A better understanding may help you make a decision which you are comfortable with.

Socializing is weird for me. Not that I'm socially inept, because I can be quite socially smooth when I want to be, but people terrify me for a number of reasons.

I am afraid, among other things, that they will be distractions from the things I need to do. I am afraid something crazy about them will turn up after having known them for a long time (if I'm real picky about who I talk to, the chances of this are low, but WHAT IF AAAARGH). Stuff like that.

Well, here's what happened:

I was depressed and I moved away from home. This was at another college. (As I said, I've got a 3.6 gpa now at the college I'm at now, so I'm doing fine.) When I was at that previous college, I was on academic probation, I had a handful of (admittedly crappy) roommates move out on me because they were apparently terrified of my depressed and anxious ***, I didn't keep the room halfway clean, I wasn't terribly hygienic, I generally ACTED distressed, and at one point my menstrual period became a 14-day cluster-you-know-what and I ended up in the emergency room.

I think my judgment is fairly balanced.

Well, here's what happened:

I was depressed and I moved away from home. This was at another college. (As I said, I've got a 3.6 gpa now at the college I'm at now, so I'm doing fine.) When I was at that previous college, I was on academic probation, I had a handful of (admittedly crappy) roommates move out on me because they were apparently terrified of my depressed and anxious ***, I didn't keep the room halfway clean, I wasn't terribly hygienic, I generally ACTED distressed, and at one point my menstrual period became a 14-day cluster-you-know-what and I ended up in the emergency room.

I think my judgment is fairly balanced.[/QUOTE]

Eek, I'm not sure what a '14-day cluster' is. Whatever it is, it really doesn't seem fair to say you screwed up. You acted the way you felt. That is HEALTHY. Also, it sounds like you had little support, which is a horrible situation to be in when you are depressed. There were reasons you neglected things, like not cleaning your room. Maybe depression left you too low to do anything about it. Perhaps your anxiety paralysed you and you were unable to take care of things. And even worse, roomates just moved out on you instead of doing the humane and decent thing - trying to get you the help you needed. My mood gets worse when I have my period, so I'm not surprised crisis hit then.

The word that comes after 'cluster' here (hence why I appended '-you-know-what') is a usually-unprintable four-letter word that starts with 'f' and rhymes with 'duck'.

I am almost certain that the 14-day bleeding was a result, not a cause.

I screwed up because my actions destroyed my GPA and were not at all in line with being a respectful, reasonable person to live around / good roommate or floormate.

Acting the way you feel is only healthy insofar as you don't act in a way that is directly contradictory to what you want, but you can't, for example, go railing on someone or screaming your head off just because you're angry at them. That's a mark of a lack of basic maturity and self-control.

why not consider therapy again to resolve your fears and anxiety? sounds like the last time your sessions were focused on your depression. they can go hand in hand i admit. but you seem to have irrational ideas re your environ. they can be resolved by replacing the false "tapes" with factual information. worked for me.
congrats on your GPA.

Ok, guess I understand more now.

madisgram, I am trying really hard to resolve this as best I can without therapy. I think fairly concrete advice would probably be the best help at this point in time.