[SkyHiigh]

My Name is SkyHiigh, Newbie to this site. ineed help and support dealing with Social Anxiety. IDont wanna have to live with this for the rest of my life, its stoping me from having my normal Teenage life, iWant friends.!
My Mom Dosent understand how hard it is for me to talk to people. She tells me Just Forget about it.!! Its Not that easy, cause thats all im thinking about everyday. Wondering if people are talking bad about me and how ipresent myself. She dosen't understand that all these thought are bad habits that icant get rid of. everymoring iwake and ask myself "how am igonna act today to avoid looking stupid.?"

Its hard for me talk to people because it feels like im 2 people ((Iknow That sounds crazy)) One Person thats making conversation and one person thats watching how im acting. ICall this my DarkLittleVoice. My DarkLittleVoice is always with me 24/7 and never shuts upp espeacially when itry to talk to people Shes always saying alot of "What if.?" She can keep me up all night just thinking about how everybody imet, made eyecontact with, or talked to is judging me.

iReally let the anxiety get to me when ido talk to people, (its kinda hard for me explain what im thinking when people talk to me so sorry if it kinda dosent make since.) once someone starts talking to me, iget an edgey feeling and istart too look like im not interseted in the conversation because darklittlevoice is telling me how to not act to so iwont do anything embrassing, and when itry to talk to them my mind goes blank cause im thinking that their judging me and they think im awkard cause im not saying anything back. And when something does finally comeout of my mouth icant stop talking, My Stuttering get worst, and italk really fast. it feels like ihave to explain everythinkg, istart to move my legs, sweating, shaking. iwont look them in the eyes, iavoid eyecontact as much as possiable, Espeacially with Authoriy. Then After the converasation ends my darklittevoice starts telling me, "that was soo bad, there never gonna talk to you again, know they really think your weird and awkard.!!! and my mind wont stop thinking about all the bad comments that ithink they're thinking.

iusally think about "What if they think im stupid, and fake,!" Like riight now iwas reading over my post and istarted getting my thoughts like what if these people are thinking im faking and im just another person that wants attention. Attention is the last thing on my mind.!! ijust really want help, im tried of my brain always thinking negetive and what people think of me. iwant a normal social life. right now ionly have 1friend and thats my ex boyfriend, and istill have a hard time talking to him. Schools gonna start in a week,!! iwant to be able to have a normal conversation and not let those little silent moments get to me. idont wanna avoid people for the rest of my life.

icant even talk to my sister cause for some odd reason shes the ones person opinion ireally do care about, ((Even though isay idont)) because for my whole childhood her and my cousin would talk veery badly behind my back, even though we were all really cloose,(( like iwould go to her house she would come to my house every weekend, me and my cousin we're in the same class at school,)) anything iwould do they would talk bad about it. iwould try to self express myself there they go off into a little corner all by themself talking Shyt. No matter how hard itry to win them over, they wouldn't accept me. We are all still really close and do hangout and they did stop talking bad about me eventually ((So they say)) and apologized for everything that they said, but istill dont believe that they stoped. Cause everytime igo into a room that they are in alone, they look at me like why are you here.!!

...My Brains is tired, and just want to go to sleep, Not Caring what people think.

[emptybee15]

I can totally relate to the wondering what people think about me during every move I make. ESPECIALLY like if I trip over my foot a little or drop something in front of people I'm like "OMG they think I'm a f**king moron"...It's the most awful thing. I'm still struggling to get over that. As a defense mechanism, I make sure I pre-plan something bad to say about everyone standing there, in case they DO try to embarrass me, I have a one-up on them. That's not good, but that's how I cope for now. It's SOOOO HARD finding good mental health physicians that truly want to get you well.

Best Wishes!

[shezbut]

Hello SkyHiigh

I am sorry that you are struggling so much with anxiety. I can relate a lot with your thought pattern.

Anxiety is a slippery hill. One negative thought leads to another, and another, and so on. I started avoiding people, working, going to grocery stores, etc. due to me having panic attacks while I was at these places. I hated it with a passion! And I hated myself for being so weak ~ I constantly put myself down for being ___(you name it!). Another part of myself would tell me to stop. Like a big argument going on inside of my head.

It did take a few years, but I eventually gained the upper hand in fighting my panic disorder. I forced myself to face my fears and go to the store, school, etc. Exercising helped me distract myself from the constant negatives. Going for long & fast walks, exercising, also helped get out my excess of energy.

Fighting anxiety isn't an overnight thing. It does take time and repetition. But you will see that as you make yourself do (whatever), regardless of your anxiety, and you made it through the anxiety will begin to ease.

You aren't crazy. You aren't doomed to live a life of misery. Things will get better. When that negative part of your mind tries to control you, remind yourself that things will get better. You are okay. Just say that over and over to yourself while the negative part is trying hard to control you. Things will get better. It takes time ~ but you are okay.

p.s. You may want to post your last paragraph in the relationships forum. That appears to be a separate issue (to me) and changing my train of thought is very difficult.

Gentle hugs sent your way ~ hope this helps you feel a little better!

[SkyHiigh]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Hello SkyHiigh

I am sorry that you are struggling so much with anxiety. I can relate a lot with your thought pattern.

Anxiety is a slippery hill. One negative thought leads to another, and another, and so on. I started avoiding people, working, going to grocery stores, etc. due to me having panic attacks while I was at these places. I hated it with a passion! And I hated myself for being so weak ~ I constantly put myself down for being ___(you name it!). Another part of myself would tell me to stop. Like a big argument going on inside of my head.

It did take a few years, but I eventually gained the upper hand in fighting my panic disorder. I forced myself to face my fears and go to the store, school, etc. Exercising helped me distract myself from the constant negatives. Going for long & fast walks, exercising, also helped get out my excess of energy.

Fighting anxiety isn't an overnight thing. It does take time and repetition. But you will see that as you make yourself do (whatever), regardless of your anxiety, and you made it through the anxiety will begin to ease.

You aren't crazy. You aren't doomed to live a life of misery. Things will get better. When that negative part of your mind tries to control you, remind yourself that things will get better. You are okay. Just say that over and over to yourself while the negative part is trying hard to control you. Things will get better. It takes time ~ but you are okay.

p.s. You may want to post your last paragraph in the relationships forum. That appears to be a separate issue (to me) and changing my train of thought is very difficult.

Gentle hugs sent your way ~ hope this helps you feel a little better!

Hii,

Its nice to meet you, Thank you for you words. Ididnt think that no one was going to read this, Never the less comment on it.)

[Phoboxyl]

Originally Posted by emptybee15

I can totally relate to the wondering what people think about me during every move I make. ESPECIALLY like if I trip over my foot a little or drop something in front of people I'm like "OMG they think I'm a f**king moron"...It's the most awful thing. I'm still struggling to get over that. As a defense mechanism, I make sure I pre-plan something bad to say about everyone standing there, in case they DO try to embarrass me, I have a one-up on them. That's not good, but that's how I cope for now. It's SOOOO HARD finding good mental health physicians that truly want to get you well.

Best Wishes!

I totally get you. I used to do the same thing habitually and I still do it to some extent. I often run hypothetical "battle" scenarios in my mind in which I imagine a feared person attacking me and what I'd say in response. I have one of these battle strategies ready to go with certain people even though I know it's probably never going to happen!

[Phoboxyl]

SkyHiigh,

I apologize for writing you an essay but this could save you from years of suffering.

This sounds dead on like Generalized Social Anxiety Disorder (GSAD) to me, although I could be mistaken. To find out what it is and how to treat it, I suggest you get yourself a mental health professional specializing in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (google that term), and that you buy the book "The Feeling Good HandBook" by Dr. Davd Burns IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT WAIT! This book was the beginning of my (still incomplete) recovery from GSAD, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for it.

First off, let me tell you a little about GSAD as I understand it. GSAD is a generalized phobia of people, social interactions, and situations in which a person reflects on their perceived inadequacy. People with GSAD believe they possess a global defect or defects which strip them of their human worth. When they are made to think of their defects explicitly, such as when another person criticizes them, the resulting feelings of shame, guilt, and self-loathing are so cataclysmic that they experience a quasi-panic attack (fast breathing, chills, sweaty hands and face, overwhelming anxiety, etc.). There is usually intense depression and often suicidal thoughts associated with the quasi-panic.The fear of these attacks becomes all-consuming and the person develops a phobia of anything which can set them off - namely other people, social situations, and activities which "highlight" their perceived defects. So for example, a person with GSAD may be afraid to talk to a person they like, to meet new people, talk in front of a class, be seen at the gym, or listen to music they like which is "too cool" for them.

According to recent medical research, people with GSAD have structural abnormalities associated with the areas of the brain which regulate anxiety. That is, people with GSAD suffer firstly from "hyper-anxiousness" which is a causal factor in their developing GSAD later on in life, usually around age 12 or 13. Second, people with GSAD as a rule suffer from severe mental distortions (Google "cognitive distortions") - irrational thoughts which follow a pattern of thinking that doesn't reflect reality and which are destructive. For example, thinking in terms of Black and White / all or nothing, or projecting what you imagine onto other people's thoughts (mind reading). I have found that GSAD suffers experienced a social trauma of some sort immediately prior to the onset of the disorder, although I don't know if this is true for everyone. I believe that the combination of hyper-anxiousness, severe distortions, low self esteem, and a traumatizing social experience (for instance being picked on in school, or having to perform in class) can lead to a downward spiraling condition in which a person perceives that they have major "defects". As this perception gets worse and worse, they begin to put up a "false-self" image to the world as a defense mechanism, and to constantly tell themselves that this is the real them rather than the "defective" person. However, this doesn't work when their "defects" are brought to light explicitly, and so they start to experience panic-like attacks whenever they are made to admit that these "defects" truly do exist and that they are "worthless". Consequently, they develop a phobic reaction to anything which can set off these attacks. This is the condition then that we call GSAD.

Needless to say this disorder is severely crippling. While GSAD is highly treatable (almost everyone recovers) it is also persistent and rarely disappears with time. Since a lot of people don't get help with it for years it is not uncommon to find people in their 30's with life-crippling GSAD. You cannot count on it going away on it's own or "getting better" with time. It won't happen, so if you believe you have GSAD then you must get help immediately and be proactive about doing the home-work your psych prescribes, because every year you waste is one you can never get back, and your life WILL GO BY, trust me. It happened to me.

So, if you DO have GSAD (and we don't know if you do or don't yet), what can you do on your own to get better? Here is a treatment plan which is working for me and I strongly advise you to try. Definately bring this up with a mental health professional.

1) GET YOURSELF the "Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns and read the social anxiety section first, then read the rest of the book. Buy a notebook and start doing the exercises he instructs, putting aside 30 minutes a day for this work.

2) LOOK for a Psychologist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) immediately. Tell them you may have GSAD and have them do a diagnosis.

3) IDENTIFY YOUR DEFECTS. In your notebook write down your worst thoughts about yourself. This will be terrifying and depressing when you let them out but it has to be done. Look for a pattern in the thoughts, what are they really about? You will find that they boil down to certain kinds of themes. For instance, you mentioned that you worried you were "stupid, fake". This is a common theme for GSAD. Other common ones are feeling inadequate because you blush, not meeting a standard of perfection (nice car, lots of friends, good job, etc), or not being funny. Anyway, keep working at it to find what your central "DEFECTS" are.

When you know what at least some of your alleged defects are, DO THE NEXT STEPS AT THE SAME TIME, NOT IN ORDER:

4) DEBUNK EACH DEFECT. I gaurantee you that if you do have GSAD, whatever you think is wrong with you is either grossly exaggerated or entirely baseless alltogether. You must systematically debunk your "defects" by using the CBT techniques described in Burns' book. It could go fast or take a long time depending on how hard you work at it, but you will win, trust me. Your plan should be like this for each "defect":

.......a) My "defect" is X.

.......b) What's so wrong with this, what does it mean if I am / do X? (Use the "vertical arrow technique" described in the handbook).

.......c) Use the CBT techniques to prove that either (1) the defect doesn't exist in the first place, or (2) that the consequences are bogus. It works best if you can show both things at once.

.......d) Sum it all up with a short sentence explaining why your "defect" is bullshyt.

.......e) Now write an affirming sentence explaining why you are okay as a person.

.......****HERE IS AN EXAMPLE:****

.......a) My "defect" is that I am stupid.

.......b) So what if I am stupid? --> Then I'll be a failure. ---> So what if I'm a failure? ---> Then no one will love me. ---> So what if no one loves me? ---> Then I can never be happy.

.......c) [DEBUNK THE DEFECT] What's the proof that I am stupid? --> I can't ever think of anything smart to say! --> Is this consistent with my grades and ability to solve problems? ---> No, I have good grades and I am good at solving problems. ---> Is this consistent with anxiety? ---> I don't know but I'll find out (go do research to find out, Google symptoms of social phobia, ask other people, etc). ---> What did I find out? ---> It turns out that people who get anxious often cannot think straight or be clever because the anxiety gets in the way. ---> So, if the same thing happens to millions of smart people whose only commonality with me is anxiety, and if I have good grades and can solve problems, then it MUST BE my anxiety that keeps me from finding smart things to say. --> Therefore, there is no evidence that I am stupid.

[DEBUNK THE CONSEQUENCES] What is the proof that I will be a failure just by being stupid? --> There is none, this is an assumption. Tens of millions of people are stupid relative to the average but they aren't failures. They have jobs and families and friends. Not everyone can be smart, not everyone can be average. ---> I don't know if this is true, what if I am just telling myself this? (go find out, look at people who get the low grades in school, etc.). ---> Results: I see lots of people who suck at school, have low-paying jobs, and obviously aren't bright, and yet they do indeed have friends, boyfriends, and lives. If they can do it even though they are dumb, then so can I even if I were dumb. There is no evidence that being stupid will make you a failure.

.......d) The fear that "I am stupid" is total bullshyt because having trouble finding smart things to say is a typical symptom of anxiety that affects smart people just as badly as anyone, and because even if I were stupid it wouldn't make me a failure in life.

.......e) I am a worthy person because I am intelligent and competent. I am overcoming a disorder that is preventing me from reaching my potential in the meantime.

*** END OF EXAMPLE ***

5) BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. One causal factor in developing GSAD is pathologically low self-esteem. We base our self-esteem on how much we meet our "ideal selves". Every one of us has a different idea about who this person is. Try this exercise: Write down what your ideal self will be like. Go over the list of qualities a few times and boil it down. These are the qualities on which you base your self worth. Now, write down how important each one is to you on a scale of 1 - 10, and then next to that write down how sure you are that you have that quality from 0 - 100%. You will see that your sense of self-worth is literally (how much it matters) X (how much you have it). This should tell you how to fix the problem. So, what you need to do now is work on debunking distortions that make you think you don't have the qualities you value, and to try and build those qualities as best you can. Also, you may need to change which qualities matter the most to you. People with GSAD often place high value on superficial qualities and low value on deeper ones. For instance, if you assigned a 10 to "being funny" and a 2 to "being honest", you might want to reconsider your values. I know that I used to think that being "normal" was super important but now I don't give a rats ***, lol.

6) KILL YOUR DISTORTIONS. Another causal factor in GSAD are cognitive distortions. These crop up pervasively in your thinking so you must expunge them entirely, even when they seem like they have nothing to do with your social anxiety. There is a list of approximately 15 distortions which you can find in the handbook or on the internet. You need to identify these and catch yourself doing them. Work with your psych to understand why each way of thinking is bogus. I wish you could do this one easily on your own but it really does take the help of others to execute this step. You may want to use your parents and to bring it up on internet forums when you don't understand why a distortion is "distorted".

Well, I hope this helps you. I didn't intend to spend so long or to write such an essay but I did. Best of luck.

[SkyHiigh]

IWanna thank you for reading my post, taking your time Listening or reading, haha im not to sure what to call it, what isaay. iReally Apreciate it, ilove when people write long replys, it feels like they really care and want to help.!

[Phoboxyl]

I'm glad I could help and sorry if I was snide in that other post (it's now removed). I want the best for you and I really hope you take away my message and that it helps you get over your social anxiety.