[Rose76]

I don't know which forum would be best. I have horrendous fear gnawing away at my insides that came on kind of recently. I guess that would be anxiety. I have a history of being fearful of interpersonal relations under some circumstances. It's kind of a social anxiety. But it's specific to certain circumstances, and I am just fine in many contexts.

I lost my job a year ago and became seriously depressed and have been getting psych treatment. I have been on antidepressants most of my adult life and do better on them than off.

My depression improved a lot since July 21. I have been having long intervals - like over a week at a time - when I am not depressed. It had been wonderful. I felt so good that I got much more active in looking for a job. For some reason, I started worrying the other day about being too old to interest employers. Oh, yeah, age can be less important if one has special skills. I don't.

I am right now coming out of a spell of being terrified that I won't find a job. I don't show any physical symptoms like people have with panic attacks. There are no symptoms that I can discern. It seems to be purely a mental experience and it is nightmarish in quality. It is awful. This is worse than any depression ever was.

I am so scared that I almost don't care. It's like I am floating in a state of mind where I don't have any concern about anything, and that is necessary because if I let myself feel the concern, it is intolerable. So I know I have - or I believe I have this monster of a problem, and I am terrified. At the same time, I am not caring about it because it is too awful to take seriously.

Well, now I'm really upset just from describing it. I have a new pdoc. I don't believe I can even explain this so anyone could understand what I'm even talking about. I guess that is all there is to say. (Well I am having physical symptoms now.)

[gma45]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I don't know which forum would be best. I have horrendous fear gnawing away at my insides that came on kind of recently. I guess that would be anxiety. I have a history of being fearful of interpersonal relations under some circumstances. It's kind of a social anxiety. But it's specific to certain circumstances, and I am just fine in many contexts.

I lost my job a year ago and became seriously depressed and have been getting psych treatment. I have been on antidepressants most of my adult life and do better on them than off.

My depression improved a lot since July 21. I have been having long intervals - like over a week at a time - when I am not depressed. It had been wonderful. I felt so good that I got much more active in looking for a job. For some reason, I started worrying the other day about being too old to interest employers. Oh, yeah, age can be less important if one has special skills. I don't.

I am right now coming out of a spell of being terrified that I won't find a job. I don't show any physical symptoms like people have with panic attacks. There are no symptoms that I can discern. It seems to be purely a mental experience and it is nightmarish in quality. It is awful. This is worse than any depression ever was.

I am so scared that I almost don't care. It's like I am floating in a state of mind where I don't have any concern about anything, and that is necessary because if I let myself feel the concern, it is intolerable. So I know I have - or I believe I have this monster of a problem, and I am terrified. At the same time, I am not caring about it because it is too awful to take seriously.

Well, now I'm really upset just from describing it. I have a new pdoc. I don't believe I can even explain this so anyone could understand what I'm even talking about. I guess that is all there is to say. (Well I am having physical symptoms now.)

WOW Rose76, I can understand completely. I know I have your same feelings about trying to find a job at my age. I know I need to get in gear and do something but some days I just don't feel like it. I get over come by I DON"T CARE! I feel like my depression is getting better because I am not crying all the time but still feel I need to take things seriously WHY? Sorry I don't have the answer for you but just know you are for sure not alone. Hopefully someone will post something we can both use! Take care

[popeye]

I lost my job partly do to my BP symptoms. I just could not handle working at the Ste Hospital anymore. I had to sue for my pension. SSI kicked in right away but I had to wait almost 3 years to get my pension and health benefits. I have many health problems besides being 60 now. Its scary and depressing. I get evaluated every year and worry that I will lose my benefits. I am lucky that my house is paid for but without my health benefits I don't know what I would do. When I was waiting for my backpay from the State of Michigan I was very depressed and drinking with my meds. I turned into a "porch monkey". Just sat on the porch drinking and smoking. Even if I could get a job I would lose my benefits. I have severe arthritis in my left ankle that keeps me from working as a nurse anymore. I also suffer from PTSD and have a Pacemaker. Its scary.

[espritlibre]

Rose, I can completely identify with that sense of having anxiety without physical symptoms. I describe my experience of it as "panic attack without hyperventilating". Really hope you feel better soon xx

[Rose76]

Thank you for the posts above. I feel less alone. gma45, you seem to totally get the apathy that, I think, is a case of caring so very much that you can't stand it turning into letting go of caring at all. Funny how there is like a trade off between caring and depression. I found, as I recovered from depression, I became overwhelmed with serious worry.

Gee, popeye, I am a nurse, too. Partly why I went into this field is because I thought it would give me security. That it was a physical job was a big attraction for me. When young, it is hard to imagine that physical capabilities can change so much over time. I'm sorry that you have such constraints on your activity. None of my physical problems are what I would even remotely call severe. Just being 58 has me shocked at how I am slowed down. Psych symptoms do affect my work capability, also. I used to think that as I got older, I would have less problems. Not that way at all. I am convinced that there is nothing about being as scared as I feel that you do not totally know all about.

I expect that I will get an opportunity to work again. That will lose me my health care plan that is through the county based on very low income. BTW, the health care that I have now based on being low income that is through some county fund and delivered by the local state university run hospital is far better than health care I have ever had before, even when I had great insurance.

As bad as this feels, and as poor as the options seem, I keep feeling that I must have been very wrong about something and I am having to pay for it . . . that I brought this all on myself through some terrible offense.