[BrokenNBeautiful]

I still hate the phone.

I want to be able to just walk into a store or someplace spontaneously.

I am afraid to eat in a strange restaurant.

My new therapist gives me homework that I don't do. She wants me to make 2 phone calls a day "for whatever reason". I haven't done it. Just an appt with eye doctor that I absolutely had to make.

I don't get on the phone or deal with people unless it's very urgent.

Then...there's the guilt trips and the shaming. "Billi, you dont' get out enough" and "Billi, it's not good for you to be alone and withdrawn all the time" and "Billi, what do you do with your life?" and "Billi, you don't have anybody you hang out with?"

Many of these questions may be well-meaning and not necessarily guilting or shaming, but I feel that all the time.

But it's a vicious cycle.

I am afraid of what ppl think of me, so I don't get out.

And then they say all this stuff to me.

I stayed home yesterday to get some things done around the house and felt guilty about not going out!

I feel ashamed around people and ashamed to be alone.

wtf?!

lol

Billi

Hey Billi,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hardly go out either, but due to a different reason (SPD). I hope this doesn't sound harsh, Billi, but I think the only way you will be able to overcome this is to listen to your therapist and do your homework. Or at least doing SOMETHING out of your comfort zone. For you, phone calls appear to be an excellent example.

Hiding from our fears will not accomplish anything. We must confront them, no matter how scary it may be. One quote I really like is "Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain".

Remember to take things one day at a time, one step at a time. You can do it!

[Marla500]

I totally agree with Melissa, but I would like to add my suggestion not to feel ashamed! I get it, but don't be ashamed. (I have battled this myself) It would be different if you didn't try to learn about and work on your issues. also we don't ask to be sidelined by depression. we fight it the best we can. we should not be ashamed. be proud of yourself for hanging in there

[pbutton]

I hate talking on the phone too. Your homework gave me the willies. I am sure that assignment would help me too. But yuck. lol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thank you all for your feedback.

I have to go to the bank today to get the rent money for my share of the apt today. Ugh.
But I realize that if I don't deal with this, it's only going to get worse.

I agree with all of you.

I am not going to guilt myself for not doing it if I can't sometimes.

But I am also working hard to deal with the origin of my fears.

I still look to others for approval/validation/mirroring and if I perceive something other than a model of positive regard, I go berserk with anxiety. Times like this I need to remind myself that my insides do seem to look worse than others' outsides. I am just self-conscious. Everyone has to do their thing, at the bank, at the store, whatever. It's just my perceptions of what I think ppl are thinking of me that hangs me up and that was from massive childhood traumatization (see my profile for details).

thanks,

Billi

[5454454544]

i take klonopin 3mg a day for two years and it works great. also when i forget to pick up my pills i take Zolpidem and it doesnt make me tired or have benzo withdrawl

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I used to be on meds for my anxiety, but they don't work anymore. I developed a tolerance for them and did not feel them at all. Also, when I am out somewhere, I don't want to be groggy; then I feel even more out of control and that makes me more anxious. For me that's like being drunk and I would be more embarrassed about that! One time, I was at a xerox place and nearly passed out because I was taking medication for anxiety. The woman there was very bewildered that I had had to kneel at the machine to keep from passing out and I was embarrassed.

But everyone is different. Do what you know is best for you.

I want to learn skills to deal with my ptsd and anxiety.

I did not make it to the bank yesterday because of pain (tooth hurts again) and anxiety. But I will make it soon.

thanks,

Billi

[newtus]

I'm here with you. I have a fear of nearly everything having to do with people. I say nearly because I'm not trying to write off stuff I haven't thought about yet, and forums are pretty much ok for me.

I have a fear of talking to family, even, texting people, also.

So anything face to face, especially with people that I dont know, well...hahahahah. It's that funny, it's so bad.