[AnotherDayDown]

There's debate on whether or not my child is naughty. Regardless, he makes me miserable. I'm so anxious about the issue that I've thought horrible thoughts. He went to my parents house with my sisters for a few days and I have not missed him. When I called to see if it was okay the my husband picked him up late after work, they said he had been fine and that all he needs is attention. What they don't understand that he needs attention 24/7 to be content. The way they talk to me, makes me feel as if they don't believe me. I feel like I'm being blamed for the problem. I try so hard to let the boy go play with other kids, and he gets sent home. I take him to the store with me, and he has meltdowns. I try to color with him, and he breaks his crayons. I try to read to him, and he tears up books. I'm not even going to go into all the details about how bad he is. It's not important. I know part of parenting is feeling like YOU are the problem. But it hurts. It really hurts. I am just thankful that my husband is on my side. He knows how bad the child can be. I'll try my best to give him more attention when he gets home, but I am not even ready for him to come home tonight. I don't miss him. I resent him. Its hard for me to love him. That's horrible, and it makes me feel so guilty. I feel so alone. I deleted my facebook because I feel like I even have to keep my emotions inside there. I can't vent without someone giving me a smart *** comment. I sometimes wish God had made me infertile. Now, I just have to come here to vent. At least no one here will give me a smart *** response. They'll just keep their negative thoughts to themselves.

[AnotherDayDown]

I don't know if I'm paranoid and delusional, but I'm so confused. I invited my sisters over here because I bought the xbox kinect and thought it would be fun for everyone to play (I really don't want to go over there where I will feel like they are ganging up on me or looking down on me). So they are supposed to come and bring Gabe home after his nap. I am going to try really hard to be a better person even though, neither me nor my husband think I should be blaming myself for the boy's issues. We will see how he acts. And rather than putting my defenses up, I'm going to try to listen to critizism and not keep things in. I know my sister is on my side. She of all people knows what the mind can do to you. See all this doesn't even make sense. I am typing but none of you can probably comprehend what I am trying to say. My medicine is not working, but I can't make myself go back to a doctor. That's a whole nother issue.

[Trippin2.0]

I have a nephew, 3 yrs old, who is much like you describe your son. Except i know why he's such a terror. His parents don't believe in teaching him boundaries. I'm not saying that's the case with you, just wanted to say that even tho we love him to bits, he drives us all nuts with his constant need for attention (even negative attention is good enough) and his destructive behaviour... I can only imagine what it must feel like to be the mother in this scenario... I'm sorry that I have no advice or probable solution. XOXO

[unaluna]

Does he have a diagnosis? Can you get a mother's helper? Like if you had a babysitter helping you out, even while you were at home? Does he go to preschool?

[AnotherDayDown]

Originally Posted by hankster

Does he have a diagnosis? Can you get a mother's helper? Like if you had a babysitter helping you out, even while you were at home? Does he go to preschool?

No he hasn't been diagnosed, but most people think he is just being a regular toddler who has a new baby sister. I feel like he's always been naughty, but to some...I'm the one with the problem. I don't know which one is true. I do know that I need help taking care of him. I need a break. I tried to let my friend watch him, but he was so bad she called me to pick him up after I had left only 15 before. I feel like my parents don't want to watch him because they think its my responsibility. I often complain, but they never offer to help. My parents are recovery alcoholics, so they weren't the best parents when I was growing up. Affection, patience, and understanding were not a part of my childhood. They weren't abusive, but they were emotionally negligent. So parenting is something I have had to learn on my own. Of course they are better now, so I just look like the bad parent. Regardless...back to your questions. I can't afford a babysitter. We are only on one income and my husband only works part-time. He also has mental issues and is disabled. We are planning to enroll him in preschool two days per week, however because that will only be $140 per month. I think two days a week would be really good for me. I need a break.

[AnotherDayDown]

Okay, I just called the preschool director and he will begin Jan. 5th going two days per week. I am so excited, and I feel much better. We talked about his behavioral issues, and she said that she will never call me to pick him up for that and she sounds very confident that she can help me take care of the problems. She also is confident that we can get him potty trained. Thank you all for listening and I will keep you updated with how it goes. I am now excited about them coming over today, and I really do think I was being paranoid about my family being upset with me. I've gotta quit with all this negativity. Things are going to be okay.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

How long have you felt that he was the problem? It is very very very likely that he is acting out, that you are not exaggerating any of his issues and he is very difficult to relate to and care for but... You said your meds are not working... Children are not born "bad" they are kind of "molded" that way from just about everything that comes in contact with them. Millions of things can leave an impression on a child and change them. Or it could be a behavioral disorder but consider... Perhaps that your medication not working is causing the gap between yourself and your child. Perhaps an adjustment in your meds could help your patience with him and understanding. Toddlers are terrors but as parents it's our responsibility to guide them in the right direction and away from the bad.

Perhaps somewhere along the line a bridge was drawn between yourself and the child and he senses your feelings toward him thus his acting out?

I would suggest a family therapist, not to address yours or his problems but to address the family problems and try to find a way for everyone to coexist in a loving family way instead of being forced. All of these pent up emotions will take its toll on you and those around you.

I mean no offense to this but please consider everyone in your family, no toddler is evil. No toddler is just "bad" something (and in NO way am I saying that something is you no way at all) causes that reaction from children. It's not our natural way to be hateful or bad or mean. It's what we learn at some point.

[AnotherDayDown]

I know. You are right. After a few days away from each other, I'm going to try to "start over" and make things right.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

It's not you either, try to remember that. Don't put blame anywhere. Blaming yourself, blaming the child, blaming anyone does no good. Just try to find a way to heal the relationship so everyone can heal. Everyone needs to change and mold to eachother in a family. I'm a new mom of a 3 year old with many of the same problems as you. When my little girl acted out at first I blamed it on her visit with her father. Then I blamed it on myself. Then I realized really it's everything. My lack of patience, my lack of childhood know how, his lack of being around her.... We are a product of our environment not a product of eachother. Give your son a break, but give yourself a break to. It's hard it really is!

[AnotherDayDown]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

It's not you either, try to remember that. Don't put blame anywhere. Blaming yourself, blaming the child, blaming anyone does no good. Just try to find a way to heal the relationship so everyone can heal. Everyone needs to change and mold to eachother in a family. I'm a new mom of a 3 year old with many of the same problems as you. When my little girl acted out at first I blamed it on her visit with her father. Then I blamed it on myself. Then I realized really it's everything. My lack of patience, my lack of childhood know how, his lack of being around her.... We are a product of our environment not a product of eachother. Give your son a break, but give yourself a break to. It's hard it really is!

thank you so much for understanding. You really have put it in perspective. I've blamed his visit with my mother-in-law, myself, my parents, Gabriel himself. I've gotta stop blaming because you are right- it is everything. The new baby taking my attention, the fact both me and my husband have instabilities, the holiday stress. I wanna make this all right so that we can celebrate Christmas this year without misery.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Just remind yourself of that and it will happen. Remind yourself he's just a product of his environment, that he's only a toddler, he counts on those around him to guide him. And remember we are all flawed, no one is the perfect parent. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to do your best and the rest will fall into place

[AnotherDayDown]

His homecoming went all right. He hasn't changed, but I'm trying to respond differently. I haven't yelled or been overly emotional (which I think he thrives on). I've tried to remind myself that he's just acting out because he's tired. I have noticed that it does have a lot to do with the baby. 20 minutes after he came home, he intentionally went in and woke her up. So when she started needing me for milk, a diaper change, and then comfort because she has bad reflux...that's when he got worse. He needs my attention 24/7 and I'm not physically or emotionally able to do that. After only 5 hours, I'm exhausted. But let me try to be positive...
1. My kids are healthy.
2. I don't have to work on top of taking care of them.
3. The baby sleeps a lot, so even if Gabe is in his room making noise, fighting sleep...I can still go to my room, close the door, and write in my journal, sew, or read.
4. I am on my second day of working out. I got the Zumba kinect game and have been sweating up a storm. It makes me feel good to complete the 20 minute workouts and I am excited about losing weight.

[Silent_tsol]

I'm in no way any kind of baby guru or even a parent but a thought occurred to me when you said he wakes the baby and then acts out. I'm not sure if the behaviour started before baby2 came around and if so my theory goes out the window. But it may have to do with jealousy over the baby. For his entire life he has had you to himself. He was your baby and if he needed something, you'd be right there. Now of course if something was wrong, you would still be there for him but he might be seeing how you rush to the baby when she wakes up he's upset because he doesn't get that urgency (because he's a big boy and can get out of bed on his own).

I remember a friend who's an older child trying to sleep in a crib again and sucking her thumb when baby2 was brought home. She didn't understand why she had to share mommy. Have you tried getting him involved with the baby? When he's acting on good behaviour explain to him about how he's a big brother and you could really use his help taking care of his little sister. He can help with things like grabbing a diaper or a new shirt. But giving him the roll as the big boy that mommy can count on to help might change his behaviour

Also I think preschool is a great idea. You sound like you really could use the break and I'm sure they are equipped to watch him. Maybe he'll get past the behaviour being with other kids

I wish you the best of luck

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

It's definately a start and you seem to be doing very well. Just keep reminding yourself of the positive and walk away when you feel like you're going to yell. When my daughter was a baby I had to take care of her by my self. She had bad reflux too and would wake up any time she wasn't being rocked. I went days without sleep multiple times because of this and was at my wits end. I called the nurse help line one night when I couldn't get her to stop crying. They told me if she was safe in her crib, in a place she couldn't hurt herself or be hurt by anything, than it's OK to walk into the other room for a while to calm down and let her cry it out. It's actually the best thing to do because when parents don't and continue to push themselves they eventually snap.

That of course doesn't mean to leave the child alone all the time but if he's safe and you can hear him and you feel like you're going to snap, walk away to collect yourself for a bit!

Keep it up, your efforts wont go unnoticed and soon you will see changes, look for the positive changes. It doesn't take long before you notice it helping. It didn't for me at least. I have low low low patience and a 3 year old can really test that. I was yelling, not screaming or cussing but always "No! Why did you do that? You know you can't do that!" and it would be in a loud tone. I picked up that I was doing it and stopped and saw the change in her attitude toward me within a few days.

It's a lot of work but in the long run it will be worth it.

[AnotherDayDown]

I've continued to be calm with Gabriel today. He is LESS rebellious when I am not yelling back or putting him in time-out all the time. He also doesn't have anyone to argue with if I don't argue back. I just say the same order over and over and over and over again in the same exact tone until he finally does it. It's hard, but I am not giving up today.

I have let the baby cry more often in the past few weeks. I make sure all her needs are met, the put her down to sleep. If she doesn't cry herself to sleep within 15-20 minutes I go in there and check to make sure she's not wet or has an air bubble. I just thank God she is a fairly easy, happy baby.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Sounds like you really are doing well. Seeing the change in him so soon just assures you in the long run change will happen and you're already on your way to making it happen. Soon you will have 2 wonderful little children runing around

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

For the record, it's a really good thing that you are doing. Trying to help even though you feel like you should give up. You can do this, before you know it this will come naturally to you and soon you wont even have the urge to get upset with him because his actions will change with yours! Please keep up the good work, it's always wonderful to see people try and succeed with their children as opposed to the many parents who just give up

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by AnotherDayDown

We are planning to enroll him in preschool two days per week, however because that will only be $140 per month. I think two days a week would be really good for me. I need a break.

The preschool will also have an opinion on whether the boy is naughty or not. And they may be more objective than friends or family.

[AnotherDayDown]

thank you. Preschool is no longer an option unfortunately. During a mental breakdown, my husband quit his job. We are doing better though. My medicine was adjusted so I am able to have more patience when the tantrums begin. I also try to hug and kiss him more and tell him I love him. I also tell him how good he is being. He did really good yesterday when we had to take my husband to the mental health center. Today is Gabriel's third birthday. He woke up throwing fits, but I just ignored it and now he's watching cartoons. Hopefully he'll take a nap today so the rest of the afternoon will go smoothly.