Went to E/R this morning...

<font color="purple"> Couldnt stand it anymore so I went to the hospital. I was able to talk with a psychiatrist who talked with me and my hubsand for several hours. She wrote me a schedule to get my zoloft up to 200 mg with in the next two-three weeks. Gave me more ativan to last the next two weeks until the zoloft dosages get up .... She gave me info to set up for CBT and DBT.... She talked about intregration. Not sure how I feel yet, all mixed inside, but I do feel good that I went and talked and got help and where and how to follow up with long term. Today I am taking it easy........ I am going to research some on the cbt and dbt and intergration processes I am a little confused about those. </font>

That's heaps good. Glad that you went. Now things will start to get better for you. (((((((hugs))))))) It's so scary to go for help sometimes. But you did it, good on ya! I need to take some of my own advice here. I'm shocking at telling people how I am, but I'm getting a little bit better at it now.

If you have been talking to your therapist about the things you remember happened to you , you are already working on the integration process.

Its just a foot long word that is used for -

Sitting in a room with my therapist
Taking about things - for instance a nightmare or something I remember happened
I get the feeling that I am starting to feel far away in my tunnel area.
Instead of my going all the way into my mental safe place la la land I pay attention to what my therapist is saying, the feel of the furnature, a picture on the wall the sound of my therapist voice, basically staying grounded
at the same time I keep answering her questions about what is triggering me and what memory that trigger is making me think of -

SKR - Hi chit chat.
Me - Hi and chit chat, heres my journals and pictures from this week.
SKR - Looking at the drawings and journals and still relaxed chit chat It was nice yesterday did you go biking?
Me -yea I was all over the place I went down this one stretch of trail and saw a kid around (son's name) I thought it was him for a minute but it wasn't. I found some websites this week. Wait til you see them, really cool. I went to so and so house this weekend too.
SKR- hows Rascal (my cat).
Me - Going nuts over my crutches. He attackes them which is so funny
SKR- My son wants another pet. how about your son.
Me- yea he wants a puppy. The complex doesnt allow it luckily so I don't have to tell him no, he knows he cant have a dalmation.
SKR - LOL Dalmation
Me- Yea 101 dalmation
SkR Bet he wakes you up every morning with that movie.
Me- No he jumps on me and says I want french toast.
SKR- DID you ever climb in bed with your parents.
Me - yea I guess.
SKR - moving closer - did you?
Me - look around the room and say yea, all kids do.
SKR- so what happened?
Me- I don't know.
SKR- What did the bedroom door look like?
Me - I don't know. white brown either one of those depending on when. I don't want to talk about this. the staic is getting louder.
SKR - Ok (moving closer) can you see me?
Me -yea blurry
SKR (moves closer) any voices?
Me- Shut up.
SKR - I want you to ingore it and keep answering my questions for as long as you can ok?
Me- yea right.
SKR- was it a big bed?
Me - yea
SKR- whats your favorite color?
Me- Yellow
SKR- which side of the bed did you get in?
Me- Moms side.
SKR- whethe
Me - what
SKR- Can you see me?
Me far away
SKR- Can you move your hands?
Me - (lifted hand)
SKR- (telling a joke)
Me - smiled
SKR- Favorite color?
Me - yellow
SKR- what she there?
Me- mom yea sleeping
SKR-What color is the blanket?
Me- white
SKR- Did your mother wake up?
Me- what
SKR- (moved closer) Do you like my new barret. I got it at so and so.
Me- yea its a brown one.
SKR- did your mother wake up?
Me- no Dad told me to leave her alone and I got in bed next to him.

We went on through the whole situation like this. Her asking me questions and in between making sure that I could hear her, see her, focus on what she was saying and things in the room. From that day on I no longer lost time around anything related to anything in that memory after about a week my emotions over knowing what happened settled down and that situation no longer bothers me with flashbacks nightmares and time loss. now its just a memory like taking a walk this morning, or paying a bill.

That is what integration is- remembering an abuse situation from the past (which is what a memory piece depending on which word you use is) while still remaining aware of the present. once the memory is remembered it is then a part of the conscious memories and no longer needs a trigger to be thought of.

((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

<font color="purple"> Estee1~~ Thank you. It was scarey but yet this time I wasnt as feeling it as physically as I normally do when I go. I actually felt pretty safe and opened up about things I havd not before. My hubby was right there with me and some of the things he had not heard before (menaing the things I was opening up about). Still nervous and anxious and a bit feraful about the coming therapies but I do know that it is in my best interest and that I will be safe, I might not necessaryily feel it but I know it....

Myself~~~ Thank you again for sharing such personal experiences and details.. You have been a great help. I have some calling around to do. The one that I want to go to, there is a waiting list plus a 3 hr drive round trip, so I am hoping that maybe there might be one a bit closer.... Hubby is taking mondya off to be with me and help make some calls. One step at a time.... DO what I have to to get the best results I can to have a chance at a better quality of life....

Rhapsody~~ Thank you for the hugs and support, it is much appreciated.

I am so glad that I found this place! I am so impressed by the caring and helpful and supportive group everyone here is and the loads of info. It has been a great resource for me. Thank you!!!! PC!!!! YOU ROCK!!!</font>