Scared to death of....death....

Ok, I don't know if this goes here but I need to talk about it.

When I was 14 my grandma died. She was like my mom and pretty much raised me. I won't go into my background but she was everything for me and taught me how to be me. We were on our way back from a movie with my mom and she was talking about something and laughing and suddenly she yelled out and slumped. She was dead from an anurism by the time the medics got there. They didn't declare it there. They came in with all the charades and hospitalities but nothing was going to bring her back. I even yelled at the doctor but he understood and didn't get mad.

Ever since that day, every pain in my head is an anurism, ever twing is my appendix or cancer. I don't go to the doctor a lot, mainly because of no insurance, but I wouldn't anyways. I'm afraid to be told I'm going to die. I recently got a boil in my ear and until I went to the doctor I kept thinking it was cancer and I had an anxiety attack.

It doesn't just pertain to me. If my boyfriend is late coming home I think he slipped and fell on a knife at work or got into a car crash or just died for no good reason. It gets to the point that I will literally go out and look for him. I sometimes sit and stare out the window until he comes home if he's late. I start crying too. I used to do this about my cats. I would pray for them (when I was christian) and ask for angels to protect them and everyone I knew or loved. Sometimes my prayers would take 10 minutes just because someone new would pop into my head that needed protection. The prayers never placated my fear and nothing I've tried has.

I'm not on meds and I'm not in therapy. I just recently got a job but until we're back on our feet, I can't afford therapy. I also don't want to take meds. I'm very against it for myself. Is there anybody who goes through the same thing? Does anybody have any suggestions? It's really affecting me. I cry for hours sometimes.

I can relate so much. meds help me, but I understand wanting to go without it if you can...a lot of exercise is good. walking the dog, or riding a bike, also yoga is really good. also just having a pet helps. wishing you peace

Exercise really helps me. So did The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns.

Thank you and thanks a lot for the book suggestion I do have pets actually, five cats to be exact. some who need homes. I even get worried about them to that extent. I'm always afraid they'll eat something they're not supposed to and die. Or jump and miss and die. I know it's all irrational but it doesn't make the fear go away. I've been meaning to get more exercise. It's just hard though. I'm just setting out on my journey to get better and it's going to be a very long trip. Any other book suggestions or coping skills for immediate help? I currently have lavendar oil and it helps me. I just smell it and it calms me down but it doesn't stop the tape in my head. thanks again