[SlowMoMo]

I don't know why I am writing this. I came across this forum on random from a google search. I feel pathetic even talking about my issues, let alone seeking advice. As Boston so eloquently put it, I'm just looking for a little peace of mind.

I just turned 27 the other day. I have been living with social anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia for over 10 years. The constant panic attacks caused me to drop out of high school and college thereafter. I have never held a job. I don't drive, I have a very bad fear of driving. The pressure that is involved can be too much for me to take. Being responsible for another persons life and well-being is just too great. Any mistake and i could hurt someone, I could get distracted and go into the other lane and hurt somebody. What if i drive poorly, other people will take notice... It just causes me to go into panic overdrive. Even writing about it and thinking about it is causing hot flashes and sweating... I have been like this for as long as i can remember. I have tried medicine, i have tried meditation. Everything I have tried has had very little effect on me.

I have zero income. I live with family members. They all look down on me, think of me as a burden. Which i am. From one house to the next, until they get tired of me. I am too terrified to even go grocery shopping alone. How am i supposed to work? Nobody understands how crippling it is. Everybody thinks i am a loser. Which i am. I am a 27 yr old man, i am afraid of strangers. I am afraid of unknown environments. I am ashamed of myself, of who i have become.

In the time i have spent doing nothing, i could of studied for a degree. I could be living my life, with relationships and everything that makes life wonderful. However i am stuck at home, looking out my window, remembering the times before i had this problem. Wishing i could be as carefree as everyone else; So fearless.

The days have begun running together. I wake up and forget what day it is. Sometimes even what month it is. Its not that my memory is bad.. Sometimes I remember things, and i think they happened yesterday, but it was over a month ago. I remember with such clarity, yet it wasn't recent. Is this a sign of something even worse?

I find myself lost in wonderful fantasies. In which i live a life which isn't my own. I play out these fantastic stories in my mind. I will do so for hours a day, watching these mental movies of a life I dream of. Eyes closed, laying in silence. I feel as if this isn't normal and perhaps i am delusional. How long until i forget who i am and start thinking these false realities are real? Would that be so bad?

I post this for mostly morbid curiosity, is anyone else like me? I have done everything in my power to wedge myself from society, but here i am seeking someone i might share common traits...

Hello and welcome to the site I can relate to some of that but not most of it. The pain and solitude you feel is obvious. I don't understand that you've wedged yourself from society but I can understand how your situation has kept you from society.
I hope you don't give up all hope of living the life you want.

We have a lot in common. I'll be 26 here in September. I live at home with my mom and that makes me feel terrible. I have been driving though but I get so dizzy by the time I get anywhere I'm having a panic attack. I often forget the day month and year. I'm just utterly alone. I only got out to buy smokes pretty much. or see a therapist. I have been getting better though with therapy. I also slip into these kind of day dreams of another life. or find myself doubting the reality of this one only to snap back and feel disappointed, all I here is get a job get busy... I used to be in school for ems a volunteer when hurricane katrina hit and did all these thing volunteer fire fighter for awhile... miss those days I don't want to be seen in public recognized or talked about. I change my phone number constantly so people cant reach me.. so on and so on.

[whatbeanbelieved]

Hi Momo,

I love your name. In my country and the surrounding northeastern states and countries, a momo is a dumpling, and therefore adorable. (Just saying - paints a picture of happy things in my head.) Welcome to PC! I hope being here helps you find some support and assurance and you aren't alone.

I wanted to let you know that you aren't. I have not personally experienced this kind of panic more than once or twice - once during my graduation stuff and a few times this year, where I was too paralysed to move. And it can be scary even when it's mild, and to me it sounds like it's terrifying for you too. More relevantly, my friend had severe OCD and a breakdown when he was around 23/24, where going to the market was terrifying and stepping out was debilitating. The only reason he recovered was because he had constant support from his friends and family.

It sounds really ... lonely to do this without support and love. So I really hope you stay on here, because there is a lot of support and love here.

Hugs
Bean

[SlowMoMo]

Thank you for the support everyone. It is nice to be able to get some encouragement. I am glad you like my name.