[January]

I was determined to go to church this morning. My medicine wasn't enough to counteract the fear walking into church on Sunday morning creates. I didn't sleep. I remembered my nightmares when I did sleep. (My new med has been taking my nightmares away and letting me rest peacefully.) I woke up with a headache and turned on the a.c. and rested a bit more to see if the headache would stop. Bottom line, I didn't go. Now I'm so upset with myself for not going. I can usually manage Sunday nights but the crowd is much smaller. I just don't know... I'mn so disgusted with my Sunday morning fears. It's driving me nuts.

If I can go to WalMart, why can't I go to church? Aargh!!!!!!!!!!

I am trying to create a life for myself. I know I can do it, but maybe I'm going about it wrong. I would like to go back to my home church, but it's on the same street my ex and his new wife live and it's where we went together. It's also a long way from here and I don't have the gas money to get there. So....

Angry, sad and triggered

Jan

[wisewoman]

Jan, go slowly and easily on yourself. Is this the ex who has hurt you so? I have friends who go to church sunday nights because it is smaller and quicker. Mostly elderly and or disabled friends. I am not a church goer but my friend has a very supportive church and I know that if anyone in her congregation called another member and said look, I am having trouble but I really want to go, there would be help there in a moment. Something to think about. Good luck.

[January]

((((((((( WW )))))))))

I was speaking of my ex husband. The one who hurt me in January was a friend, and only a friend, but I considered him family....

I have been writing lists to make myself better understand.

One of the reasons I think I am uncomfortable is because my brace makes me hurt the entire time because of how the pews are made. I also don't like huge crowds and it's packed on Sunday mornings.

Maybe you're right and I need to go slower. I don't know, but I am almost triggered out of my mind right now and this can't be right.

Thank you, dear heart for responding. I really needed to hear from a friend this morning.

Love and hugs,

Jan

[Parker10]

Hi January - Sorry this is a problem for you. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my Church and Church family . I know absolutely nothing of your past, and "triggers", but I am sure that there is a way to overcome this - with time perhaps. As I have been in a stiff leg brace for 3 weeks (surgery on Tues and then OFF my foot for 3 weeks), I have been having a friend take a lawn chair into Church for me to sit in, as I cannot get into a pew ! I attend a small Church, but I would not hesitate to take a chair and sit in the aisle of ANY Church if I knew I would be comfortable. Not much would keep from being in Church. It certainly sounds like you want to be able to go to SUnday morning service, and I hope that you will be able too soon. I also hope that you were able to attend night services tonight.

Dont be hard on yourself ! The most important person knows that you want to be there !

[(JD)]

I would love to chat with you about this sometime... I, too, cannot make it to church...

some of the differences are: church is a designated time, walmart is anytime; you have to meet and greet ppl who might have expectations of you and pose questions at church, at walmart you can be a stranger....

TC! It's part of the accepting the disabilty I think? IDK... (((hugs)))

[Gracey]

I wonder if it is easier for you to go to Walmart because Walmart is impersonal and no type of intimacy is required there? Church on the hand. . .well to coin the Vineyard motto, "It's all about Relationship." It is hard. . .H A R D. . .if you have anxiety to do the church thing. I know where you're coming from. . .

(((safe hugs))))

[SweetSunshine]

January~
I believe that God knows your intentions are well hon. He knows your trying hon. You'll get there someday. And the fact that your trying means alot to Him. Don't be so hard on yourself. He's not. Luv ya~

Hugz~
Bethy

[Rhapsody]

I have not been to church in 3 years.... I let my fears get the best of me and then it ran me off.... but God is still within me and he lives in the chapel of my heart.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[January]

((((((((( Friends )))))))))))

Thank you so very much for replying. I made it to church Sunday night and tonight, (Wed.). Maybe it's easier to go to evening services because they are less formal and there aren't as many people? I just don't know.

Thank you for telling me to not be so hard on myself. My counselor said the same thing.

Again, my many thanks.

Hugs,

Jan

[wisewoman]

You go girl!