feeling better, yet anxiety still visits!

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to get out some of the thoughts I have had lately....

This is really hard to explain.... I have had kind of a short lived anxiety problem! which has lasted only about 5 months. After much trial and error and some massive steps backward... I feel I am now at a comfortable point if that makes sense...

One of the biggest breakthroughs for me was realising that I have not changed as a person. That was my biggest fear.. for a while I was so scared that I had actually changed in some way, not personality/psychosis way, just like I had lost myself completely... through some severe anxiety I felt like I was lost, like I was gone, and never coming back. This was made worse by the anxious thoughts that constantly flooded my mind, they were hardly ever about what actually bought on my anxiety... more things like that I was totally crazy and that maybe I have been all my life and I didn't know it, or that I was schitzophrenic or had a personality disorder.... I would also be terrified of things like that I had cancer or a brain tumor or something.

It was such a weird experience, I was talking to my friend on the phone and I said "you know what.... I have just realised that all of these irrational fears and thoughts are thoughts I have always had on a really small scale... like I have always been a bit of a worrier, I would feel sick and think I was dying... I have just realised that I am having all these same little worries, but because of the anxiety, they are soo huge to me, and seem like the end of the world" and she said to me "YES!! that is what people have been trying to tell you all along. I am so happy you have got to this point!!!"

That was a huge huge breakthrough for me... and I can now tell myself that the thoughts and feelings are totally normal, but just amplified to me, and they seem to not bother me half as much, in turn reducing my anxiety.

Another thing I have noticed is a really really strange feeling that I get all the time. I am not getting to the point where anxiety doesn't invade my thoughts completely, I am not so scared of the fear of the fear thing... like I can now almost get up in the morning and go about my day without this little thought saying, hey, you are gonna feel weird again today!
But.... I get this constantly, like almost a bang through my body, and the thought of my anxiety... its really hard to explain... its like I am totally normal, then all of a sudden Its like WHACK! and I remember what i have been through and how I felt.... its so strange... then I start to do all the same things like be really concious of how I am acting, and then start to monitor myself for whether I am feeling ok, not spaced out and anxious, which obviously brings that all on again.....

Like I will be out shopping or something, then that happens, and I must start to dissociate or something, and feel really out of it, and get that, I am not really here feeling, that I dont exist kinda stuff, which is so scary.....

The worst part is thinking about my life... its so weird and again, really hard to explain... but I think of my life, my family etc and it starts to feel really far away... then I start to think oh no, maybe I have just thought I have been doing so well all this time, maybe I'm not... maybe I have been crazy this whole time.... it is soooooooo weird, and I can't stop it.

My life all of a sudden has become kind of like a blur.. like I have been on tablets for so long now, i dont even think about them, and forget I am even on antidepressents, which normally isnt a bad thing... but to me that seems weird, like I may have lost my control or something, like I have stopped keeping a check on myself and how I feel????

Well... that was really long, and probably really boring!! But just had to get it out... hope anyone who reads it can understand, hehe!!!

Kelly xxx