Still dealing with heightened anxiety after counseling visits

Does anyone have opinions or advice?

I really like my counselor. . . he's nice, and understanding, and level-headed. The advice he gives me seems right-on, and we pray together at the end because this is a Christian-based counseling.

But for whatever reason every time I leave I end up crying and feeling horrible and obsessing about my mental health.

I started having a panic attack towards the end of the session Monday and didn't really realize that's what it was until I got home awhile later. I started freaking out thinking that I was having some sort of "episode" and was losing control or something. The room was feeling all floaty and funky.

Anyway. . . I realized it was just a panic attack and got calmed down and felt better the next day.

But I'm just wondering why I feel so horrible after I leave and if that can be a good sign or if it's something to make me think this counseling is not good for me.

The part that messes with my head is that when I am having a panic attack normally I feel it coming and I start doing different self-talk and breathing and get over it.

Because I try to set aside all my defenses when I get in there and just tell him everything and let myself feel EVERYTHING, I think it's hard to turn it all off and go back into the "real world" again. And then I'm bouncing back and forth in my head between.. . . stop thinking about it and just get back to work and. . . . you need to experience these feelings to heal.

And I also have a huge mental health fear so sometimes if I feal out of control I think I'm going crazy and that doesn't help.

Has anyone else experiencing thist? I'm almost feeling like I don't want to go back but I really think he can help me if I can get past that.

I experience this alot. I once asked my therapist at that time if I was her only client this happened to and how to stop it.

she smiled and said "you ever hear that saying - no pain no gain? Therapy is like that. A person enters therapy with a problem and alot of times the reasons for the problem are mentally burried so that the person does not feel or think about the reasons and causes and so on. then the person enters therapy and the therapist job is to - wake up and shake up those burried feelings, thoughts, reasons and causes for the problems and in doing so the person once again feels those feelings that they have numbed themselves too. after being numb so long the feelings sometimes feel mountain sized. Theres no way to stop it from happening short of not being in therapy anymore and going back to stuffing feelings and numbing."

Then she told me I had a choice to make - stay in therapy and let myself feel what I had stuffed and numbed myself away from or stop therapy and continue to have depression, DID, Suicidal behaviours, self injury behaviours and so on.

By remaining in therapy I have the chance to be pain free without numbing and stuffing.

By dropping therapy I have a lifetime of pain and more situations that lead to my child entering fostercare because I was not taking care of my problems.

I chose to stay in therap and some days I have good days and some days I have bad days, where 5 -6 years ago when I first started therapy the days were all bad.

It does get better and one thing that helps me is that I try to find at least one thing going right that day - it might be no bills in my mailbox or I got a long bath without getting interupted by the doorbell or the phone but hey thats something going right for me when the rest of the day is the pits.

Hang in there

Faith,

What Myself said is very good and makes a lot of sense! What a great post!!

I also 'fall apart' after every session and I will tell you that it is getting better with time.

It is important to tell him what is happening with you and what you think about it... everything you said here.

Don't let it fool you into thinking something is 'wrong'.. it is just another experience to talk about.

ECHOES

Thanks for the reassurance guys. I did mention to him at the time that the room was doing something strange and emailed him when I got home and further explained.

I need to go back over some of what we talked about relating to that next visit because I was in panic mode and my brain just zapped out about the last 15 minutes. I remember bits and pieces but not all of it. It was strange; he must have known I was having a hard time because he kept me there 15 minutes past my appointment. I thought that was nice of him.

The good thing is that two visits ago I felt bad for a week, last visit I felt bad for about 3 or 4 days and this time I'm better after just a couple days. I don't know if it just means I'm getting better at stuffing it back down or if it means I'm just getting better overall but time will tell.

I'm glad you asked that questino because I never knew if I was the only one that happened to... apparently not.

All I know is that like Myself it started out always bad days and then I would get some bad days and some good and things did get better.

Hang in there and I would suggest that you talk to your T about it so he knows what's going on and your fears/concerns with it.

Good Luck

Thanks Echoes

And Faith_walks - one thing that really helps me is that I take many breaks in the hard stuff by doing easy stuff and fun stuff in between the hard stuff. That way my brain has a chance to process all those fast forward thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares and so on that come because of something done in therapy. For exanple after LL and I used the sand tray the result was lots of things didn't make sense thoughts every which way, couldnt get warm, my head was also mish mashing two different nightmare content into one so that I could not figure out what was going on. So the next time I saw LL I told her what was going on and I didn't want to work with the sand tray for a second round of it just yet. I needed time for my head and stuff to calm down before doing more sand tray work. We instead focused on doing relaxation visualizations during sessions, along with other things. I even put my home therapy projects on hold during those couple months when my head was bouncing here there and everywhere basically focusing more on drawing, painting, journaling. Then when things calmed down a bit I went back to work on a home therapy project I have going.

taking breaks when I need them instead of forcing myself to be all work work work definately helps keep things at a pace that I can both do the work needed but yet take time so that I don't end up pushing myself over the edge kind of thing.

Hang in there

Thanks that makes sense. I know that this week I have felt better in some ways but in other ways I've felt disconnected from life a bit. . . like all I am is my thoughts and I'm obsessing about what's in my head and haven't been connecting with friends as much. We've had an ice storm here so I've been stuck in t he house which doesn't help.

But we talked about our circle of friends some, and he wanted to know how many friends I had that I could tell ANYTHING to,, and it occurred to me in the middle of that panic attack that I couldn't call anyone in that very moment because I felt like a burden.

That freaked me out but then I made myself call a friend and I was fine. Of course she was still my friend.

Sometimes I get inside my head and freak myself out and over think everything. I just need to tuck it away for a few days and do every day normal stuff getting through the day and try not to think about the therapy.

But then there's the part of me that thinks if I focus on it I'll get it "figured out" sooner. And I don't think that's real. . .it's just me trying too hard to get better. It's a slow process.

For me, there was a lot going on during a therapy session that I wasn't comfortable yet recognizing and processing immediately, while I was in the session. So, when I'd leave I'd have lots of the symptoms you describe. It wasn't until I learned to contain all of the upsetting session happenings in the session and discuss them there, as they happened, that things got "quieter" for me afterwards. It takes awhile to get the two together so one is processing what's happening as it is happening and can immediately tell one's therapist, "What you said (and then paraphrase) makes me feel good" or "wait a minute, that makes me angry/that's not right/that makes me anxious," etc.

Wow so we don't have to mess with this stuff all week also?

Honestly this is a revelation to me. I thought if I just dealt with it one hour a week I wouldn't get any better.

I'm going to have to talk about this next visit and see what he says about it.

Thanks!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Faith_walk said:
Thanks that makes sense. I know that this week I have felt better in some ways but in other ways I've felt disconnected from life a bit. . . like all I am is my thoughts and I'm obsessing about what's in my head and haven't been connecting with friends as much. We've had an ice storm here so I've been stuck in t he house which doesn't help.

But we talked about our circle of friends some, and he wanted to know how many friends I had that I could tell ANYTHING to,, and it occurred to me in the middle of that panic attack that I couldn't call anyone in that very moment because I felt like a burden.

That freaked me out but then I made myself call a friend and I was fine. Of course she was still my friend.

Sometimes I get inside my head and freak myself out and over think everything. I just need to tuck it away for a few days and do every day normal stuff getting through the day and try not to think about the therapy.

But then there's the part of me that thinks if I focus on it I'll get it "figured out" sooner. And I don't think that's real. . .it's just me trying too hard to get better. It's a slow process.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

THis is SOOOO word for word something I wrote in my journal last week! I'm truly amazed it's not just me! I was feeling like I was failing therapy because I got all wiggy after I left or thought about it all week. This thread has helped settle my mind too.

(((((((((hugs to all of you)))))))))))) thanks for sharing!

HI thats exactly how it is for me at times...t says I'm trying to work everything out in my head instead of with her...think she maybe right...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Faith_walk said:
Wow so we don't have to mess with this stuff all week also?

Honestly this is a revelation to me. I thought if I just dealt with it one hour a week I wouldn't get any better.

I'm going to have to talk about this next visit and see what he says about it.

Thanks!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Initially it spills over is why we get the stuff all week. But as one gets better and better at recognizing and facing what's happening when it happens (both in the session and when things happen in your real day-to-day life) then the spillover recedes and then stops because you're dealing :-) It's like with nightmares -- if you confront the fear or solve the "real" problem, they go away but if you don't, you keep dreaming them or ones like them.

Mouse, for a long time (years) I wrote my T letters and mailed them to her office between sessions. We usually didn't discuss the letters but they made me feel lots better because I knew she "knew" and that was comforting and I had worked out things in my head, and kept her up to date, etc. but my T complained like yours that I wasn't telling "her." I had dreams she would interpret as "secondhand" too, the material in them was "old" and "safe"/known before it would get to her. I didn't have to risk at all or be vulnerable.

Things changed dramatically when I did an experiment and decided to stop writing her letters. That put me only in contact with her when I was at sessions and literally in contact with her so I began to use my time much much better because I wanted her to know stuff and I wanted to be with her, etc. but because I put a ban on "cheating" and writing letters, I had to use the time during the sessions and be happy about it since it was all there was. It was like a literal "last day of your life what would you do?" scenario; I only had the session period of time, no head stuff counted and if I didn't tell her what I was thinking then it would get lost and she'd never know/wouldn't be "on the same page" as me anymore. It turned out to be very very exciting and well worth it.

Perna,

That's interesting. . . because I always come home and email my counselor something I forgot or another thought. And sometimes one other time in between. I was thinking the other day that I wonder if that is hurting more than helping. When he went away for a week I wrote everything down to ask him but then figured it out on my own (or so I thought ) before he got back.

It is so much easier for me to type than talk. I can edit!!

I can't wait to talk to him on Tuesday about all this.

I want to ask him about the panic attack and also how to deal better during the week. I need to figure out how much to dwell on stuff all week and how much to just blow off.

I need to also figure out the difference between ignoring symptoms of anxiety/panic and ignoring "true feelings" because I have had the habit the last few years of just ignoring bad stuff and getting back to work. Now I'm told I need to look at feelings more but sometimes it's just a panic attack and I NEED to distract myself.

So I need to figure out the difference.

I don't know if there is "just" a panic attack. I've only ever had one panic attack in my life, I was sitting outside on my dorm steps on a lovely September, Fall day in college, no work was due yet for classes, no test coming up,. no "reason" at all for feeling as I did so I was able to ride it out and joke now that I've never had another panic attack because it "didn't work" I was able to look around me and see there was nothing wrong so "ignored" it and it went away within about 10 minutes. But thinking about it now; I've always known that it was because I'd just been called by the counseling center to set up my therapy sessions so I was going to be seeing a psychologist once a week, etc. for the first time in my life. I'm sure that is what set it off. I had tried to pretend it was "good" and the next step and that I was glad, etc. didn't realize/acknowledge how scary it all was so I guess my body decided to let me know with a panic attack. I think if I'd been able to acknowledge my feelings I wouldn't have had the panic attack.

Were I you I would "use" panic attacks (be glad of them) as a sign/red "flag" that you needed to look and see what is truly bothering you and not the panic attack itself. When I get road rage or any emotional array or thought not "usual" for me, I know to drop the thought and look for what's wrong/feeling out of control. I always get angry when I'm most frightened and feeling helpless about something or if I've lost or am going to lose someone/something. When my therapist was going to be going on vacation for 6 weeks, I was fine during the session she told me I thought, even though I "knew" I didn't like it and was unhappy but I didn't deal with the depth of my feelings. Once, when I left the session and was walking through the parking lot to my car I spied my therapist's car and the thought to slash her tires came up, LOL, not something I'd ever do in a million years. The image/idea of me slashing my T's tires was so startling to me that I knew it was a flag for being angry at her for going away and leaving me and the "depth" of that feeling. Very crude but recognizable and I'm very glad I was able to give myself that symbol/thought to help me understand like that. Another time when she was going away later in the week I started thinking about switchblade knives, kind of West Side Storyish, and knew myself to be afraid of such knives because I'd be sure to cut myself were I to try to be "cool" with one like I was imagining :-) So, again, laboriously traced it back to "Oh, my therapist told me she was going away last session!".

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
I don't know if there is "just" a panic attack. I've only ever had one panic attack in my life, I was sitting outside on my dorm steps on a lovely September, Fall day in college, no work was due yet for classes, no test coming up,. no "reason" at all for feeling as I did so I was able to ride it out and joke now that I've never had another panic attack because it "didn't work" I was able to look around me and see there was nothing wrong so "ignored" it and it went away within about 10 minutes.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You may have something there. My hubby gets them sometimes but I was asking him last night about his because I had one last night. . . it had been building all day and finally I just "let" myself have one and get it over with, then I felt better. I asked him if he ever did that. He said he never anticipates one, and doesn't fear them. He had one a few days ago, took a Xanax, and went back to bed. I'm not sure that's the answer but me worrying about them isn't either.

As this week has progressed and talking to you guys I think I know what that one was about at counseling.

It was almost time to go when it started. And I was thinking if I was going to get my feelings out I'd better go ahead and do it because it was going to be time to leave. We were chatting and he asked me if I thought I'd cry all the way home like usual. I told him probably but I'd have to get it all out and get over it before I got home because I knew my husband was home freaking out and I needed to get back to work on our business. He had originally told me he'd man the online store while I was gone but was having a bad day.

So, I think now that I look at all this, I was just so frustrated thinking about being able to open up and have my feelings in with my counselor, but not feeling like I could do it any other time. I guess I was having my own little pity party.

Then as the week has gone on I've got more and more angry at my husband for not working right now, because he can't find a job. . .plus he's depressed and has been suicidal and then getting better but still not working with me.

Finally last night the anger brewing gave me another panic attack and a restless night until I talked to him about it this morning and apologized for some of the things I said to him.

On one hand he does need to get himself moving, but on the other hand me getting mad at him isn't going to do it.

As for the counseling, I hate that I can only go in there, let down my defenses and let all my emotions come up, then have to leave and try to buckle them all down again and get back to being the emotional support for my family. It's hard!

I just want to be the weak one for awhile, and have someone take care of me for a change. (((pout))) LOL