Just a vent here....I wasn't sure which category to place it, so if it belongs somewhere else, mods, please move to the proper location.

I am a mix of feelings right now. I am angry, hurt, frustrated, mad at myself and feeling slightly humiliated. My family, my brother, they just dont get it! They refuse to acknowledge their part in this whole thing, and I am furious! Everything is by their rules. They don't give a good **** about me, the anxiety, panic, cptsd....any of it. I am so angry right now too I could spit nails!

I ran out of the office yesterday, locked myself in a bathroom stall for an hour (all the memories, hurt, anger, frustration, flashbacks running through my mind). I felt like I was stuck. I was stuck. I didn't know how long I would have to be in there. I just could not leave

My brother came to the office yesterday (which is always incredibly stressful for me), on top of the fact that I am already stressed because of the move. I have been trying to take care, be calm and not let all of it get to me (although my heart rate, blood pressure and vertigo tell a different story)

I am packing, and doing my thing, and my (stupid, freeking, insensitive meglomanical) brother suddenly spouts off, "oh. Mom an Dad are coming up right now. They will be here in a second."

At first, I thought I didnt hear him correctly. He repeated himself. I responded (heading into fight/flight mode) "why didnt you tell me??!!" (I havent seen or spoken with my monster, N, abusive mother in a year. And I had to separate myself from my father a few months ago . No contact.)

He said like the true ***** that he is, "I am telling you now."

I responded, panicked, "Are you off your rocker?!!"

I ran out of the office and locked myself in the bathroom.

I am a 40 year old child at that moment reliving every hateful, horrible thing they've ever done to me.

And there is nothing I can do. That was the only way I knew for self care. Trapping myself in a locked room with all the memories and hurt.

I cannot tell them how I feel also because it wont matter. My feelings, thoughts have been put down and invalidated by them for 35 years. Why think they'd change now. So as usual, I have to not say anything. Esp now...my brother threatened me a few years ago that if I bring up my feelings ever again or talk about the situation...he would never speak with me or help me again. And he would sue me for the money he has given me to help me eat and pay my rent (after my F died).

[lynn P.]

((((Rose Panachee))) - I'm so sorry for all the intense stress and memories you're feeling. I don't know your history but we do care and validate your feelings. I'm sorry your brother has threatened you financially and you have a painful family history. Do you have a doctor treating you for times when you're very stressed? If so please call the doctor. You're safe to share here anytime and I pray you feel better soon.

[Mike_J]

WOW, what a jerk, you have every right to be hurt.

And as always VENT AWAY.. you have good reason to do so..it's good to get it out

sorry you feel so bad rose.

we're here for you anytime..

The thing that hurts me the most about all of this was my parents fully supported my sister and brother's dreams and goals and gave them everything to suceed. Money, college of their choosing, emotional support, validation, participated in all of the events related to their professions, sent them abroad for extern and internships (my brother to Switzerland and my sister to the islands in South America) and with their blessings. But for some reason said flat out "no" to me. And then they went ahead and did all the things and visited the locations where I wanted to go. And sent me postcards and made international calls to let me know they were there and having a great time.

They set my siblings up for success but they set me up for failure. I will never understand it. Not in a million years

And they seem to enjoy that I am so unhappy and low. Esp my adoptive mother....she seems to really love it all. It seems as if she couldnt stand not being the center of the universe. And it is a huge power trip for her.

I hate to say it but it was / is similar to that story where the two horrible, hateful siblings got everything and the one sibling was forced to watch them while she had to sweep the floors and live in the basement.

She never had to work or make anything of herself career-wise. Yet, she couldn't stand to see me enjoying my life and succeeding.

Another sad part was that I believed all the bs she would spout: I could never make it on my own and if I pursued my dreams it was unacceptable, and I would be cut off. It was like brainwashing.

She punished me by with holding. Love, affection, support, validation all of my life. I never did anything wrong. In fact, I was a great kid with good grades and a vision. So many mixed messages and conditions.