[kvinneakt]

My son is 23. He as "independent" since 17. After 5+ years I have come to the realization that I have a anxiety about him that is adversely affecting the quality of my life.

In a nutshell, he is an itinerant street muscian. He is basically a homeless wanderer. (Parents, if you immerse your young children in music, this is a possible outcome.) He lives up and down the west coast, mostly in the SF Bay area.

He is intelligent, one of the smartest people I know. This has been a root of his problem. He floated through public school, dazzling his teachers and getting straight A grades without any effort. In the end, his intelligence failed him. He never learned to struggle for any goal. Indeed, he seems unable to form any goals, let alone organize an effort to acheive them. He sometimes makes grandious and ill-conceived plans that go nowhere, usually dropped with a day or two.

He is cute, like a young Bob Dylan. His cuteness as a child also enabled him. Now, as an adult, he is still cute, but this is waning, as it does for most of us as we age.

He is a moocher. He will take all advatages he can until his benefactor grows weary of the one-way transactions. He is not shameless. He gets embarrassed and backs off when confronted. He just does not seem to have any insight into his own behavior. I no longer give him any more than $50 now and then and he rarely asks for more.

Enought on him. I have tried, cried, pleaded, cajoled, discussed, begged, etc. - everything a person could do to try to influence the course of another person. All to no avail. It is not abundantly clear that the only thing I can do is love him the way he is, unconditionally. Unconditional love has been the best attitude I have adopted. He is resolutely steadfast on his path.

I do not understand his life, but have come to realize he is of a different culture than I am in many ways. I don't think it is my place to try to bring him to my culture any more than it is to bring an African tribes person to my culture. All I can do without patronizing is to observe, accept, and maintain civil relations.

Here is my problem in a nutshell: I spend most of my spare time thinking about my son. It might be an obscession, I don't know. Thinking about him does not intrude on other activities when I am engaged in them, but when I have idle thinking time, such as when doing mindless chores, walking, biking, etc, 90% of my time is spent thinking about my son in some way or another. It is like my brain has a background radio going that is stuck on this one station. When he first left home my thoughts were at the level of high worry/anxiety. For the last year or two, since I have adopted a more accepting attitude, my thoughts are mostly of low level anxiety, often just thinking about him. I cannot say they are not with anxiety, but they are not painful.

This is not a healthy way to live. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to not think about my child! But I don't want to endlessly ruminate on this one part of my life. In times past I have found that discussion here has been helpful, so again I write and post.

[Rhapsody]

Some times we as parents just have to let go and let them live their own life.... as hard as that is to do.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[Peanuts]

I'm sorry to hear about your adult son's situation and that it has caused you pain. Maybe a therapst can help you. Do you have access to a therapst ??

It seems frustrating to be a parent in your situation - no matter how old your children are - you will always be a parent.

[kvinneakt]

Letting go. Yes, I think I have arrived at that point. I can let him be who he is. I can even justify him to my parents and friends. What I can't do is stop the endless thinking about him.

Therapy. This is a good possibility. I have a good friend who is a therapist. I will run it all by her and she what she says.

What I fear most is should he hit bottom in some way. He is a moderate drug user, but stays away from the hard stuff. He has contempt for addicts. I worry that he will get into an accident or get seriously ill and have no insurance. I can't affort to cover him. A week or two in a hospital would drain me dry. I worry that he will get in trouble with the law and be at the mercy of a public defender. Again, I can insure him. A modest attorney's bill would deplete my entire savings, leaving him again in the mercy of free services and me destitute, too.

He has an odd (to me) certainty that the world is ending in 2013. That is part of his justification for lassitude. "Why bother?" He says this is a common belief among his peers. It is based on various religious tradition's prophecies. I have to admit that the world has a lengthening list of calamities poised to happen, so I can't argue with him on this, but don't like how he deals with it. I think it is more an excuse than not.

Every mom that I have talked to regardless of the childs age be it newborn or be it fifty the moms always think of their children all the time. Its called
"mother child bond" it never goes away. heck my mom still thinks and worries about me and Im in my 40's. and she does the sa,e for the oldest child she helped raised who is well into his 50's and has a fantastic job with one of the most respected and lucrative businesses where computers are concerned. not a day passes when she does not think about her "children" and we all will always be her children and babies even though most of us have made her a grandmother and greatgrandmother and great great grandmother.

yea sometimes children turn out to be not what their parents expected. My mom sure didn't expect to have a daughter that would grow up to VERY publically expose "family laundry" and have a mental disorder in which her daughter as she calls being DID "believes she's other people" and she sure didn't expect some of her children to get into the drug scene, and one get arrested for kidnapping, and one or more commit siucide and or die of cancer and I sure didn't expect to have a child with schizophrenia living in residential treatment centers due to his aggressive and abusive episodes when his father and I planned his being concieved and birth.

unfortunately parents can't choose their childs likes dislikes temperment and so on and all they can do is the best to their abilities with what they are given and the parenting styles of the times and so on.

Parents always worry about their children thats not being obsessed. to me having an obsession is focusing on something so much that it interferes witht he person talking care of themselves and their daily activites.

from what you have posted your thinking about your son is not interferring with your daily life and care for yourself so you are a 100% normal parent who has bonded with thier child. If you didn't think about and worry about the child you carried for 9 months and raised for years THEN it would be considered there is something wrong psychologially around this issue.

Every time I have a Coomprehensive psychological evaluation the testers spend alot of time trying to determine if I am "bonded" with my child and think about him and care about him because not being able to do those things and express those feelings and thoughts is apart of some mental disorders.

hang in there.

[kvinneakt]

Myself, I think is funny that you referred to me in the mom's role! I am my son's dad, but what brought me to this forum in the first place was my issues with gender identity. I did, and still do, see myself as of feminine psyche. I guess I am rather pleased that it shows!

LMAO in my real life the ones complaining about children and so on are moms not the dads so I just posted as if I was talking to one of my "mom roled" friends.

The same does go for dads too. Dads also have a special bond with their children like this too. Any person in the caretaking role of the children bod with that child. I was amazed at seeing the bond between my child and one of his foster dads. it was amazing. and I know the caseworker on our DHS case who is male has developed some sort of bond with my child. I sat there in a DHS meeting and say the tears in this mans eyes and the anger in his face at a situation that one of the residential treatment centers were in the process of doing with my child.

Men can be bonded to children just as much and sometimes more that some moms are.

Men can cry and show love and frustration too. The days of raising boys with crying and showing feelings are for sissies is slowly going more and more out of style with each generation.

Im happy that you are able to feel and accept what you are feeling and -

let it show ... let it show... let it show. LOL

[LMo]

Hey my friend:
I'm not sad for your son, because it seems as though he is where he wants to be at this time. But, I am sad for you because I can definitely relate to the pervasive worry.

You already take care of yourself in many ways, so I hesitate to offer trite advice. Perhaps tea or lunch with a friend would help take your mind off it for an hour ;-)

Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you...

LMo

[Malady156]

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kvinneakt said:
He is intelligent, one of the smartest people I know. This has been a root of his problem. He floated through public school, dazzling his teachers and getting straight A grades without any effort. In the end, his intelligence failed him. He never learned to struggle for any goal. Indeed, he seems unable to form any goals, let alone organize an effort to acheive them. He sometimes makes grandious and ill-conceived plans that go nowhere, usually dropped with a day or two.

He is cute, like a young Bob Dylan. His cuteness as a child also enabled him. Now, as an adult, he is still cute, but this is waning, as it does for most of us as we age.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This kind of reminds me of my own son, who is 17 right now, only he was so intelligent school bored him and he just tuned right out. He fancies himself a revolutionary but he doesn't have anywhere constructive to apply that energy so it degenerates into pointless rebellion and defiance. It drives his father crazy. I adore him, though. I worry about his future, but I don't worry much, because he's my son. I know he will make it and learn to balance his act just like his big sister did and just like I did. He has all the essential stuff in his core that he needs to survive and find his way in life, and I have every confidence he will do so, learning to be more practical and balanced in his interactions with others without letting go of his visionary spirit, and finding constructive outlets in which to channel that energy.

[FaithisAlive]

I don't think we EVER stop thinking about our children and where their futures lie. My mom worries about my brother.. she is 66 and he is 44 and not got his life togetehr like we once did.

I think letting our children go and live as they want to, allowing them to make their own descisions, it isn't the same thing as hoping and praying for them to find their way to a good, safe lifestyle.I would be absolutely frantic if my 22 year old son was out living as your son is.

Is there any possibility that part of you would like to have lived just a little while as he is living now.. carefree? Just a thought. Perhaps that would be part of the obsession?

Good Luck!

[Perna]

kvinneakt, I was struck reading your post by a feeling of deja vu and decided I believe we think about those things that are most useful or problematic to us and that that is a good thing. Something about your son and his way of life may fascinate you yourself, in the sense that you wonder what you would do with aspects of his life. I'm probably just reading myself into it but your son sounds brave to me; I wouldn't be able to live itinerantly, on the street, I don't think. Wondering how such people live, what they think, how they feel, what they worry about, would consume my thinking if I knew someone, had a child like that, living in that fashion.

I am reminded too, of the recommendations by professional jingle writers for when one gets a song stuck in one's head; either sing the song through to its end (to get closure) or replace it with a different song. Were I you I would figure out what I get from thinking about my son in my spare time, what interest it gives me or what else it keeps me from thinking about/replaces in my own life or I would merely find another "interest" and keep bringing my thinking to that whenever you find it straying to your son and don't wish it to. What other "hobbies" do you have?

[kvinneakt]

"Is there any possibility that part of you would like to have lived just a little while as he is living now.. carefree? Just a thought. Perhaps that would be part of the obsession?"

Absolutely! I actually did live like he does in some respects. One big difference is he has music skills to get by on. I did not and had to work for the man. (I still do.) That is also part of the problem. I know, from personal experience and direct observation, that his life style has some substantial risks. Now, after 5 years, he has likely encountered these himself and learned to deal with them. I hope.

A huge part of his/my problem is he is arrogant and narcissistic to an objectionable degree. I think a lot of this has to do with his near total lack of trust in the world he has inherited. I don't like it, but somewhat understand why he is that way. I would find being his age, in today's world, difficult to face without cynicism.

[kvinneakt]

Exposing this whole issue to the light of discussion, here and face to face with family and friends, has been of great therapeutic value. I am no longer so stuck in that mental groove.

I have found a pattern in my life with regard to these kinds of troubles.

First the issue is more or less unconscious. It is there, but unfocused. If I were to try to consider it directly I think I would be in denial to a large degree.

Later the issue becomes more clear as the realization occurs that it is a significant part of my mental climate and that it affects other aspects of my life. As this occurs I find I can begin to discuss the issue. Usually I can do this best, first, in words. I used to do this in a personal journal. Now I use a "live" medium, in particular, this forum.

With feedback from you, and further reflection I can begin to verbally discuss the issue with family and friends. One friend in particular, who is a therapist, is usually a great active listener.

Finally, and often with amazement, the issue that was previously consuming to some degree, begins to simply be an interesting side issue. I get on with other things. My mind can relax more in free moments to just be in the present.

This pattern has been repeated for many of my life's "big" issues. I would hope that it would be easier to push the process when it was needed to engage. I don't know if this is possible. It is a relief to know that there is a process that has normally worked for me in the past. I wish I could keep this self assurance in mind the next time I have a struggle with mental illness, ie: the deep, black, sometimes psychotic depression that imposes with some regularity.

[bebop]

I think you should stop giving him the money. He does need to learn to do things on his own. I know it is very difficult to see your son walking around aimlessly though, but I see this as enabling him to keep doing this. You have to somehow make him stand on his own 2 feet at some point. Get a real job! You have done your best for him and now it is time to kick him out of the nest so to speak. just my opinion. good luck!