[Lou8282]

I hate making plans, because then I have to stress until the day of the plans arrive, then I don't want to do what I've planned. I can't be spontaneous because I need time to mentally prepare. I feel safe at home, and I feel like the second I step out the door, I'm no longer safe. I'm happy at home.

I took a day off the other day - just for me. 2 days before that, a friend of mine asked if I wanted to catch up, but I said I couldn't. She then asked why I never want to see her. I have had issues in the past where I feel completely unsupported by her, so I guess I've not made her a priority - but I'm really not sure if my anxiety is contributing to how I feel about her, it might be skewing my opinions, so I explained again (she already knows how I've been feeling) about my anxiety, and what it's like for me, and I felt her response was like 'but what about me?'. I feel frustrated even though I totally spelled it out, that she still doesn't get it, like I should just make spontaneous plans because it's what she wants because she misses me. You know what I miss? The person I used to be. I don't know who the new me is - completely anxious about people, hyper vigilant, sitting closer to the duress alarm at work whenever anyone walks in. I used to be able to make plans. I didn't used to be like this.

I have finally made an appointment to see a psychologist this month, at the urging of my sister. Both of my sisters have been so supportive. I have another close friend who is supportive and understanding, and not pushy at all. I do see her fairly regularly, because she makes plans in advance, and we always go to the same place for lunch. I'm a creature of habit, doing something different stresses me out.

Have you found that your friends have no real understanding of what it's like? How did you deal with them? It just feels like pressure I don't need. I'd love nothing more than to make plans and think nothing of it, but I can't right now. It's a huge effort to even go to work.

How did you deal with people who just don't understand?

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome! I have found two friends who understand that I might not be able to follow through on plans. They know about my mental illness and my physical ailments, and they understand.

I don't know what to suggest for friends who just don't get it. Maybe that's something you can ask your therapist about--and as you get better, than maybe you can follow through with plans and even be more spontaneous.

[Millitoria]

I have found myself in a similar situation quite a few times. I tend to find that to start with people are really understanding but over time they get frustrated when I can't commit to stuff, or rarely if ever do things which have been planned last minute with them. Don't give up hope though! I have some wonderful friends who do understand. Not that they don't get frustrated at times, but I let them know when I am finding this extra difficult and they go out of their way to make things easier for me. Mostly by accepting that I might not be able to stick to plans we've made. Sometimes, when I cancel plans last minute one of them will offer to come and see me at home instead, which can help. Though lots of the time I don't feel up to seeing even my closest friends at all.

If nothing else, I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

Milli

x

[Heather11]

For me, only friends that understand are the ones that have issues as well. I've been there with making plans and canceling due to anxiety. Some people just cannot comprehend what we go through because they have no idea what it feels like. How do you explain the struggle of doing something simple..? We are just wired differently. Real friends will be there to support you and you never know where you will meet one. I've made friends through social networking like meetup.com

[Perna]

I try not to deal with people who don't understand. If I cannot keep up a relationship with someone, for whatever reason, then I "give up" that relationship and when they call and ask me out, I'm unavailable. If they do not understand my problems now, then how can I have a very productive relationship with them?

You do not have to excuse yourself/your behavior to other people and explain. You see how well things go with your one friend who knows to see you in a pattern you can cope with; for now, that is what you want so I'd go with it.

Or, if you wish you could see this other woman who does not understand, I would "use" her to practice making plans or experience being anxious and living through it, etc. so your world does not get any "smaller" that you get stuck in your house full-time. If that alarms you too much, maybe ask the woman you trust, the pattern woman to mix it up next time, to pick another restaurant, etc.?

I found myself in a similar situation...I finally decided to just live life at my own comfort level, because it is very difficult for people who do not experience this to understand. Or even be supportive. And I just don't have the energy to wear that happy mask for them any longer.

My own mother questioned the veracity of this illness and told me I was lying about it when I told her I was not comfortable attending a function that initially started with a small intimate group (8 people) and turned into a gang of her own friends and my sisters friends (22 people). I politely declined attending and explained why and she called me on it. I haven't seen her since.

I guess the bottom line is that you have to be good to yourself, protect and honor yourself. That is the most important thing. And to heck with the people who are not supportive.