I'm kind of lost in this world

Hello,

I say a big hello for everyone here, willing to help others. Sorry for my "weird" English, as this isn't my first language - I'm from Slovenia, that's somewhere outerspace.

I'm 26 years old male.

I have a few problems, or maybe the problem itself is, I only see problems. However, I can't stop it.

I always see world itself (system) and the people in a too complicated way, or should I say sceptic way.

I always question myself about every single thing I'm doing, and therefore never actualy can't be relaxed. I'm unable to be passive.

Maybe on this point I should add, I was smoking skunk (strong weed) for a 6 years on a daily bases. But not so much, just 1-2 small joints daily, and most of the time only before I went to sleep. Now I stopped. It's my 4th day being sober. Well, I do smoke ciggarates, but I guess it will be a real shock ending everything.

As you can see, I write pretty much disordered - I'm not really good at making a point in a short sentence, I guess.

To actualy expend the problem itself, it's like that:

- When I'm with some of my closest (gf, parents), I always worry if they're OK. I always see, when they're not. Most of the time I'm like medium trying to help them understand (mother in law and mother for example - they really think purpouse of each is to harm another - I mean, they see each other that way).

- When I go on walk, I can't stop thinking how I'm moving my legs, arms, everything. I'm too self aware I guess. Just can't be relaxed.

- When I think of a job, I always see a global picture of unfair system, how my job (I currently have none) would harm some of others (for example, if I work for bigger coropration, I know it will - in some way - steal money from smaller ones, and also from taxes being bailed, and so on ...).

- I actualy go that far, that I question myself what's the purpuse of life. I belive only in a fact it's all in brains and therefore we sleep, when we die, as our brains shut down. It's really simple for me. And I'm thinking why, why, why, why, why are we here, anyway. To help eachother I think is the greatest purpuse. But then I think - noone is ever really happy, everone always only worries and adapt to better, so one demends more even if being helped. So noone is ever really happy. And so on.

- When I talk to my grandma, I feel pity for her as I must talk loud and that she can't talk on some bigger level - only trivival stuff.

- When I for example would play poker, I, if win a lot, start worrying that I actualy took away others money. Then I say "OK, they decided themselves to play it". But then I think poker actualy have no added value - you don't create anything or help anyone, only yourself, what's the point then ...

- When I talk to a friend, I hate that we have diferent styles of humor and that a lot of times I just laugh, altugouh it doesn't affect me in a way it would actualy be funny for me. I think "its childish - it's not even a good humor. You have that from TV - that's only what you observed and you copy stuff, using English phrases and so on". But then again, I'm probably the same - just affected by all the circumstastes that had happened to me in the past.

- I don't get lawyers, as they defend 99% of guilty people. I don't get lobbyst which demend for the laws to be taken in their way, while laws should be FAIR in the first place, so it's absurd.

- When I watch a movie, a lot of the times I can't help myself seeing it's all acted - that nobody act this way, and that 99% of things are edited.

- I hate the fact that a lot of people actualy believe all those documentaries on Discovery, CBS Reality and stuff are actualy real and people are not acting and being paid. I actualy hate they, the authors, make people so dumb so they actualy think of it that way. I actualy have a really high intelegent friend (was among the best in chess in country when he way young), and he actualy believed some ilusg

- I'm paraonid of the fact, that every person sees the world diferently.

- I hate the fact we live, and then we die, and between we only worry what will be. We can't just "be".

I know I should take the things just the way "they are", not judging anything. Just take everything as an interesting fact, and that's it. But I don't think I really judge it, I just think too much. And thefore I worry that whole life is too complex and complicated for me.

I don't really know what to do. I like a lot of things, but I suck because I think all of this and hurt myself. Most of the people don't think everything like I do. So self-aware. Why can't I just DO stuff and don't think so much. Maybe weed has done something too (helped or not) to see the world that way (how it actualy is?). But then again, I was philospying already before I was 20.

I don't bother other people with stuff like that, cause I know it's depressing, so I always try to bring positive energy among friends/family, etc. If not anything, at least be quit. I don't like to talk something, just to talk.

...

Any advice would be really great. Maybe I have some disorder or something - I wrote all of this so one, who is really good at this, would maybe see the bigger picture and therefore realize, I actualy suffer from some XYZ psihological thing/illnes. Dunno. I really think my way of thinking is too realistic and sceptic, and therefore I see so little optimism ...

I apologize for the English and disordered post once again. I just type thoughts that come to my mind ...

I don't think you suck, at all, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I think your English is fantastic. And I think you are a very sensitive and compassionate person, and a very analytical one, and I don't blame you for feeling paranoid and overwhelmed.
These are exactly the kinds of things that go through my mind constantly. I can't even help it anymore. I just have to distract myself when it happens. I have periods that are okay, where I can go on with my life more or less without the ball and chain of panic following me around because I don't know what is real and nothing makes any sense and everything is ****ed and I don't want to be part of such a corrupt world anyway. SO MUCH of what you wrote in this post makes so much sense to me because I live it. Everyday. Just as you describe your own life, know that someone halfway across the world (Canada) can relate 100% to what you are going through.
I don't understand the way the world works. I get angry and frustrated because it feels like everything good in it is milked dry or plundered, and everything bad and outrageous is amplified, glorified, and certainly televised. I don't get why things are this way, how they got this way, and what the purpose is of me being here, or what I am going to do with my time here.
I have been diagnosed with OCD and dissociative disorder, and depressive disorder, among other things. I believe these things may amplify some of the thoughts and experiences I have, but I am also a bit radical in that I think I am also a product of this society. We are shaped by our environments. Yes, we have free will. Yes, we can choose our own path. To an extent. I don't even really believe that's true in most cases. I believe we can choose our own behavior, and even then it's dependent on whether we are getting our basic needs met which, let's face it, most people aren't. And it's only getting worse.
So I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. In fact, if it's any consolation, you may be one of the people in this world who sees it for what it is.