[Piglette]

I wanted to make this a blog entry, but I see you can't make a blog unless you have been a member for a certain amount of days. So, this might end up a bit of a ramble/rant.

I've had social phobia for almost a decade. Before I was diagnosed, I was very shy, insecure, self-conscious, quiet. But since my diagnosis, life has been pretty much non-existent for me. For the first three years I didn't leave my house, and now, 6 years after finally being able to go out, I still feel awful in public - highly self-conscious, extremely self-critical, obsessed with my looks, and how my body language might make me appear (arrogant, vain, bored, etc)... completely unable to talk to strangers, even shop staff. I need someone with me, either friends or my parents, most of the time it's my parents. I go out with them every so often, maybe once or twice a week, some weeks not at all. I haven't been out by myself yet. I'm planning to buy things myself first (something I cannot do), before I go out alone.

I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being me. I truly believe there is something very wrong with me, that it can't just be social phobia. I have seen other people with social phobia get on with their lives, with jobs, places of their own... independent. But me... I feel like a young child, trailing along behind my parents. I feel... stupid. I can't explain it. I don't know how to explain it to anyone, even mental health professionals. I just feel so... dumb. I don't know how to DO anything, any normal adult thing in everyday life, I can't do it. It's not only that I'm afraid.... it's that I also don't know how. Sometimes I wonder if there's something else besides social phobia that hinders me from learning the little things in life. I've seen my parents, and even my friends, do things plenty of times, but I just don't take it in. It's like I have a mental block. I want to learn, I want to know how to do simple, adult things, but... I just can't. I feel like a little girl. I think I even act like a little girl, which I hate. I want to feel like and act like a grown woman, not a ten year old. I don't know how to explain it. I just don't seem to have grown up... at all.

I keep thinking that all I need to do is act differently. I know how I want to act... I have this whole other personality in my head. I daydream a lot, and in my daydreams I am confident and capable. A woman. I just need to figure out how to take her from my daydreams and put her in the front of my mind... make her me. I don't know if I'm talking any sense. Maybe I'm losing it. I just know that I can't go on the way I am. I'm completely useless. I'm so awkward and childish, and I don't want to feel that way any more. I want to change. But when I go out, I completely lose all self-control (not that I have any to begin with), and go on what I can only describe as auto pilot. For instance, I had my hair cut today. I made a total fool of myself by putting the cloak on the wrong way. Then, in the chair, I went all stiff and played with my ring as I usually do. I never know where to look... at myself in the mirror? At other people in the mirror? My lap? When I look at myself all I see is a grumpy-looking, tense little girl. So I look down. When I look down, all I see is my fidgeting. On it goes. During all this, my mind is racing, so I don't catch anything around me. It's like I'm completely spaced out. It's always like that, not just at the hairdressers but anywhere in public. I just hate it. I hate me. Acting differently doesn't seem possible any more, when you're actually in the situation.

I feel so trapped inside my own head and I want out. What was nature thinking when it made me? Why am I so useless/helpless/dumb/spaced out/childlike? Why why why.

More importantly, how how how? How can you change yourself? How can you change the way you act in a situation? Is it possible to no longer be tense? To know where to look? To know what to say? To know what to do? To hear the things around you?

I just want it all to stop. Mental health professionals... are overrating my capabilities. They think I can just walk into a room and sit down with strangers for over two hours, or walk into a clothing store and buy a vest, belt, necklace and scarf with smiles. If I could really do those things, wouldn't I have done them? Wouldn't I have gotten better years ago? Maybe this is actually how I am, for life. What then?

I'm almost afraid to even try to act differently, even just at home. Maybe I could practice by acting out a different personality at home, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why... maybe I'm afraid that it would be too phony, that everyone would hate it, or take me to the loony bin for finally cracking up... or maybe that it would obliterate me. Isn't that what I want, though? To be obliterated?

Thank you for reading this mess.

[7Cups_Ann]

It sounds like you're going through something very, very hard to overcome and that despite your phobia, you're very aware of what you need to do. You recognize that this is a first step, and you have identified some ways to move forward (go out with your parents, for example).

Is there any situation that you can imaging where you would feel comfortable going out alone, today or this week?

[Redsoft]

Autopilot. I get that too. Your description at the hairdresser was spot on. Hang in there.

I feel like I'm in the same spot as you... For many years I just dealt with my weird social habits and quietness, etc... Held jobs. When it really started to worsen, it was when I had retail jobs. Slowly, the dread of going each day go worse. I got an office job. It was better - didn't speak to anyone because I did solitary computer work, background stuff. Then I guess I did my job so well, they kept promoting me, and that meant interacting with everyone. I was this functional form of myself that I maintained only by putting on a mask every day, and I didn't even realize it. After another promotion, I broke. I was so stressed, because I was suddenly being criticized for not socializing with others, and just working. So frustrating. I wasn't able to meet their expectations, and was laid off. All of my "masks" were shattered, and with the shock and relief of not having to wear them, every wall I'd built since a child fell in a month's time or less. Since then, I've felt just like you've described. You're not alone - don't feel you're alien or anything... So many feel just like us. It's so frustrating having known what it's like to just go get things done, and to feel like that has been taken away from me. Just hang in there.

[Benetduncan]

I agree with Redsoft... Hang in there and keep going, a lot more people than you actually think would be able to understand what you're going through.

Your message was not a mess at all. In fact I found it coherent and very expressive. I found myself constantly putting masks on my face to be able to survive in social situations, to avoid closing down socially. But in the end they created more chatter and problems. You can't create something to supplant, something that is already there. I'm currently learning to meditate which has helped me a lot in calming my anxiety, social or not, helping me recognise the chatter, as just that, just blablabla, and given me the chance to go out into the world maskless... something a few months ago I would not have dared to do.

Best of luck and keep going!