[RoseBee]

Greetings! I have a lot going on and have never really had anxiety much, but I think that's what this is. If so, any coping advice? Long story short:

-Dr. think's I have cancer and am going in for a second round of testing on Tuesday. I won't get the final diagnosis until the following week.

-During that week, my bf's son, who I didn't find out about until we were together for 5 months, is staying with us. I am not thrilled because I don't date guys with kids. I decided to give the relationship a go because he's the perfect bf except that one kiddo thing.

-I am experiencing such anxiety about spending time with this kiddo.

Behaviors I am exhibiting:

-Shortness of breath when I think about the kid being here or my dr. results.

-Crying for no apparent reason

-Having little interest in things I usually enjoy. I am having to force myself to knit or cook.

-I want to sit in my living room with curtains drawn and stare at the wall because nothing is happening and it makes me feel safe.

-Wanting little to do with my bf or little dog.

Coping Mechanisms I am currently employing to keep me from being a tearful blob on the floor:

-Going to my happy place

-Reasoning to myself

-Putting feelings of anxiety in bubbles and sending them away.

-Turning negative thoughts into positive ones.

-Meditation

-Sugar free Popcicles

Any advice on how to deal with what I think is anxiety?

[winter4me]

No wonder, I would worry if you were not anxious under the circumstances, cancer, the unknown, a kid you didn't know about, another unknown...and losing interest, maybe a touch of depression? How long ago did you find out about the kid and how long has he been/will he be there? Any chance you could give him a chance? What kind of kid is he?
Sounds like you are doing the right things. Anything that you know makes you feel better---knitting is good if you can get into it----maybe some deep breathing, dancing,
yeah...
I've had severe problems with anxiety since I can't remember when (really hit when I was 19)---In my 30's I finally went the med route and it helps. I still need to do other things to calm down...and to keep moving....
At work, I go to the bathroom (time allowing) and sit for a few, breathe, wash my hands slowly, dry them slowly----sometimes I find showers soothing, jumping in a river or lake works better...

[healingme4me]

Sorry to read you are going through all this, right now. The cancer scare is enough to do it, to the best of us. I see my doctor on Tuesday, as well. Same concern, hun, same concern

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by winter4me

No wonder, I would worry if you were not anxious under the circumstances, cancer, the unknown, a kid you didn't know about, another unknown...and losing interest, maybe a touch of depression? How long ago did you find out about the kid and how long has he been/will he be there? Any chance you could give him a chance? What kind of kid is he?

I found out about him in December, about two weeks before I met him at Christmas. He's a nice kid, a good boy. I love kids in general. (I'm a teacher.) I just don't date guys with kids for several reasons, but decided to give this relationship a chance because I fell in love already, but I think it's proving too much for me to handle. I have tried to plan the week as much as possible, planning meals, activities, etc. but I don't know if it's helping.

My panic is telling me to break off the relationship, an otherwise good relationship, and find someone without a kiddo. My logical side is telling me that, since I am closing in on 30, that more and more guys are going to have kids, so I might as well get used to it. My heart is just aching (still) at the sting of what I consider a betrayal of my trust and at the fact the kid exists..as terrible of a person as it makes me sound.

I've talked about this in the relationship forum and got some great advice on how to deal with the kiddo thing, but I am just experiencing such..I don't now a better word...anxiety and panic over the whole thing. It seems to be getting worse the closer it is to him being here.

I will try the deep breathing you suggested because it will help take me from my emotional locus to my logical one. My logical side is MUCH easier to deal with. Thank you for your advice.

I am not going to make any decision on the relationship until: I stop with the PMS, see my therapist, and get my results.

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Sorry to read you are going through all this, right now. The cancer scare is enough to do it, to the best of us. I see my doctor on Tuesday, as well. Same concern, hun, same concern

I hope it turns out well.

[winter4me]

Good luck. And, I certainly understand feeling betrayed by not knowing of the boy's existence...that is a tough thing in the midst of all else. I like the plan you have, to wait, see t etc.....Let us know how it goes.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by RoseBee

I hope it turns out well.

And I, yours!!!

[Kaboodle]

Hi RoseBee...

As someone said, the cancer testing, etc. is enough to put anyone over the edge. This is making you hypersensitive to any other situation in life with which you have to deal, including the bf's child.

Let me give you some advice on the bf's child....I was 33 when I met a man with 3 kids--boys 7 & 13, girl 17. Our love was love at first sight and I tried to deny it and move on but our attraction was too strong. I had my own apartment, own car, own paycheck, own life and never wanted kids--ever. After 6 months, I moved in with them and we married when I was 36. It was rough at times. The boys were not well-behaved and there was some jealousy on the girl's part. Later on, I found out about a daughter he'd had about the same age as the 13 yo boy but circumstances are such that he has no relationship with her. We tried but it didn't work out. It was very strange but I hung in there.

He had enough love to go around for all of us. We tried to keep our relationshp separate from the ups and downs of the kids. I learned when to keep my mouth shut because I was not a parent to those kids and never tried to be. I only tried to be a friend. I learned quickly that my paycheck was no longer mine. I learned that he loved those kids no matter what they did. I tried to put myself in the kid's places and did not do the diva thing. Even if I was a little jealous over something (I'm only human) I didn't let it show. I knew it would pass. I knew the kids would eventually grow and go but I would still have my husband and partner for life, someone to grow old with.

This all started 24 years ago. We are still happily married. The girl and I are best friends. She is now a professional in the medical field, age 41. The two boys got into drugs, committed felony crimes, and are now in prison. We lived through their pictures being on the front page of our local newspaper and their names always mentioned on the radio news stories. I cannot imagine the pain my husband feels daily over losing two sons. We have nothing to do with either of them now. If your bf's child is a good boy, half your battle has already been won.

My life has been hell at times but I feel that God kept me single and child-free for 33 years to be with this man.

You need your man now more than ever. Get and stay close to him, treat the child with respect (you don't have to fall in love with him), take care of yourself and be patient.

I pray that everything works out for you.