[allysinwonderland]

I'm truly desperate to find peace and serenity in my life again. Ever since I lost my job in 2010, I have felt like my life is spiraling out of control. I haven't been able to find another job. I'm not able to help support my family. I have no insurance, and am diabetic and need insulin to survive. I recently reached out for help because I was suicidal and had a plan. I was in the hospital for 11 days. I finally felt safe. I didn't want to leave. The day I was released, I was shaking with fear. I'm trying to take each day as it comes and set small goals (baby steps) each day (today I cleaned the bathroom). I feel numb a good part of the day, but then the fear sets in and I'm rocked with a panic that sets my world off its axis and I'm left wondering why I'm here...what purpose do I serve in life? I feel like a burden to my family and friends. I've recently relocated to a different state, and I'm desperately homesick. I have no social network here. I'm working on getting a therapist (I have my 2nd intake interview this friday), and I'm waiting to hear back from Medicaid. I was told it could take 9 months to be approved. It's been very stressful, especially since my son (he's 22 and moved with us) is also diabetic and dependent on insulin for his survival. He's got a part-time job at Sears, but he doesn't get many hours, and he's trying to get Medicaid too. I feel very alone and scared and isolated from the world. I feel like I'm never going to find another job that will support my family and will make me feel like I'm making a difference in this world. I feel like a loser for needing to take public assistance and that I'll never be a worthwhile person again as long as I live.
I'm sorry I'm rambling on...but I feel very down and needed to get all of these negative thoughts out of my head. I'm praying that tomorrow will be a better day. But I know that chances are, I will wake up the same person I was today and yesterday...and I'm trapped in this awful existence.

[Little Lulu]

I hope you are feeling better this morning. It sounds like you have been doing a good job of taking care of yourself even though it may not feel like it. You recognized when you needed help and were willing to go to the hospital, you applied for Medicaid and are seeking therapy, you are setting small goals each day and asking for help when you need it, etc. Those are healthy behaviors.

You sound like someone who keeps kicking to get to the top. I hope you will find some space today to recognize what you have done and let go of what you feel is missing ... and allow some peace in.

[allysinwonderland]

Thank you Lulu. I'm definitely going to try.
One day, one baby-step at a time...

[gayleggg]

I agree with everything Lulu said. You are stronger than you think you are. I, too, have to take life one day at a time. One day i hope find happiness and peace and I hope you do too.

[Mustkeepjob32]

I saw your mood now "determined." I could tell that in your post and it uplifted me because it encourages me to face what I need to face in my life.

[IndieVisible]

I hope your feeling better too! The way hospitals have to rely on those insurance sharks is disgraceful. Mental illness should be covered just as fully as any other illness and not rushed thru for insurance purposes because they don't want to pay for extended stay or care. There is some thing wrong with our system when a person can get better medical treatment and care in prison, not to mention meals a room, recreation all for free. But a person in between jobs get's nothing. Hang in there!

[allysinwonderland]

I can't tell you how much all of your posts mean to me! I feel very blessed to have found this place! I had my 2nd intake appointment for mental health services today and I'm feeling very hopeful that I'll be feeling better soon. Thank you all again for being so very encouraging! ((HUGS))

[Little Lulu]

Way to go! From the sound of your post, you are already feeling better.

This is a great site ... we are just a bunch of people who have been there.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Good to hear that Allys. Love your Albert Camus quote too!