Trigger warning.

Even through everything that I've gone through, I've felt fine lately. I don't know if that was me, or the Abilify. But since I told my doctor about the anxiety, he lowered my dose of Abilify. And I'm having states of depression again. I don't want to go through this. My last suicide attempt was in March. And I just felt this feeling of impending doom, and I thought about it again. I don't want to die. I just want my pain to stop. I can't believe I got kicked out of college for a math class that I couldn't attend because of my mental illnesses. Right now I'm trying to make it up at a community college so I can return in the fall, and I am so stressed out. It's making me panic. I have so much work to do. All I need is a D- but I feel as if I can't even do that. If I fail this class, I cannot return to the one place I love. I can't live with my best friend or see my boyfriend everyday. I need to pass this class. But the scars on my thighs are telling me to cut again since I probably won't pass this class. I'm sorry to all who read this. I'm just venting.

Hello, jackielunaaa. Have you told your Doctor about what is going on. If not, please do. Be your own best advocate.

I wish you well.

Hi Jackie, definitely, absolutely got to agree with glok's advice on seeing your doctor. Maybe they did have to reduce the Abilify, but it does sound like if not an increase you could do with something else to replace it/compensate for the reduction.
I can see how you probably feel that it was unfair to get kicked out of college for a math class..........under the circumstances. But you remember that does NOT make you a failure, right??!!
I do admire your determination in trying to make it up at a community college, but with the work piling on just remember that you can only do as much as you can. Just try to pace it while knowing that if it works out great but if not that's OK too.
The real achievement is in trying/in giving it a go!!! And it IS your mental health that comes first in all of this whatever happens. Not worth risking by really pressurizing yourself when in the "bigger picture" you could ultimately be much happier without the risk/without anything getting into college can bring you/without the college degree. It's you who matters in all of this.
Still having said that is there anything that you may be able to do to help you with the work?? Maybe catch up with some other students (?) doing the same work and share some ideas, you may both/all be able to help each other?? Maybe have a word with one of your tutors/lecturers (?), they might have some tips or advise in making the work a little easier for yourself or be able to extend some time scales if you need that?? Maybe make a structure/schedule around studying/assignments that helps you?? Maybe have a look at if there are any changes in methods of studying- the where, when, how's that might help you?? If you have a college counsellor maybe you could talk to them?? Maybe look a some stress relieving techniques/or anything like that e.g. music which has worked for you??
Just some thoughts
But you first, right?? if the depression says "No" to you being able to do something, sure try to push past, but if you can't then it is NOT your fault, OK?? And the most important thing is working through that with help, anything else you manage great............but that is the most important thing.
And if you aren't already doing it please check out the Depression and Self Injury forums here too, there are some great, really understanding and insightful people on those too. And every little helps, right??

Alison