[mylifesucks]

Please don’t let the length of this thing scare you off. I seriously need some help. My life is terrible and I don't feel like anybody else is even close to being like me. There is me then there are all of you. Anyway, here's a quick summary of my crappy life:

All my life until about half way through high school I had a 4.0 grade point average. I never had many friends except for when I was in elementary school. It's not that I didn't want friends, it just never really happened. I’m not good at striking up conversations and I hate meeting new people. So all through high school, I didn't have any real friends (this includes not having a girl friend). I started working half way through high school and the only time I really made friends was at work. My coworkers were also high school students, but went to different high schools than me. I had people I talked to at school on a daily basis and some times hung out with at school. But I never had any friends from school that I hung out with outside of school. I’ve never really had a single “friend” for more than 2 years.

When I started high school my dad got married, and I acquired a new step brother. After about 2 years we were really good friends, even though we were complete
opposites. He was a terrible student, he smoked, he had a lot of friends, and did everything most rebellious teens did. Even though he had so many friends, he for some reason thought I was cool to hang out with. I drank with him for the first time, went to my first party with him, and did other things I had never done before. He actually wanted to introduce me to his friends. He knew I had never had a girl friend, so he was always trying to help me out and even introduce me to some. It never did work out.

In high school my grades started to go down. I wasn't partying all the time, but for some reason lost all motivation. Maybe it was because I actually I had things to do in my free time and I had a car. I did graduate high school and I still went to college like I planned at a local university. I am actually still enrolled and have about 1 year to go.

About two years ago, my stepbrother died suddenly and unexpectedly after he was misdiagnosed by a doctor. Since then I have started to go back to how I use to be. I don't have 1 real friend. And by that I mean I haven't hung out with anybody in over half a year. There isn't anybody I talk to on a weekly basis. I have 300 minutes on my cell phone plan per month and it's the only phone I use. Needless to say, I haven't even come close to going over on minutes. I call people when I'm lonely sometimes (although I don’t tell them that) and they say they want to hang out, but we never do. They say they'll call me back, but never do. Some times people will call me, very rarely, but it's usually just to say hi or more likely because they want something or need help (I'm somewhat smart, especially regarding anything related to computers).

After my stepbrother died, I took a year off of school and worked an normal Monday through Friday, 8AM to 5PM job. After realizing how terrible that was, I landed a job where I made more and only worked Saturday through Monday. This way I could go back to school. I was motivated to finish school more than ever, so I didn’t end up in some dead end crappy job. So last semester I was back in school. However, my loneliness is affecting my focus on school.

About 2 months ago, I finally moved out of my parents’ house (I'm 22 now). I live alone and I thought that since I lived alone and live closer to the university and downtown, I would make friends and have more visitors. It turns out that I've only had 2 "friends" over when I first moved in. Nobody visits me. In my current job I work alone in an office all night. I do see people, but haven’t made any friends yet.

I think about suicide every day although I'm not really serious about it. I don't know why I think about it so much, if I know I'm not going to do it.

I do drink alcohol and mostly alone. This isn't because I want to drink alone, but it's because I have nobody to drink with. I usually don't drink more than once a week, although I haven't drank in a while, because I go to school full time and have a full time job.

Before my stepbrother died, whenever I needed someone to go to lunch with, someone to drink with, someone to go 4-wheeling with, or someone just to talk to, he was always there.

Anyway, that’s my very shortened life story. Here are some other problems I have:

I get nervous around a lot of people, especially at school. It seems like everyone is giving me weird looks (I’m a pretty normal looking guy). I’m also afraid I’m going to do something like trip or I’m afraid that people are looking at me for a reason. Like I have shaving cream on me or something. I don’t like sitting next to people in class. I feel more comfortable sitting at the back of a classroom, because if I’m in the front I feel everyone is starring at me. If I’m in the back, I can see if people are looking at me. I don’t like answering questions the teacher asks, unless it’s a really small class.

When I am in public with “friends” or other people (although I haven’t for months) and we’re talking, I always talk quite, because I feel like everyone is listening our conversation. I hate being the center of attention (well unless I’m intoxicated).

I am also a very closed person. I don’t tell anybody my problems; not even my parents. I don’t know how to express myself. I’ve never opened up to anybody. The person that knew the most about me was my stepbrother. He was the one person I actually felt comfortable telling certain things to. I don’t like showing any emotions in front of people whether it be anger, sadness, or excitement. I’m not a robot; I do laugh and smile a lot. I have a good sense of humor. My stepbrother thought I was one of the funniest people he knew. I actually have heard that I’m funny from almost everyone I’ve met and became somewhat friendly with. I guess that’s why nobody realizes how miserable I am. I always appear happy on the outside.

I have this fantasy that some day I will be able to sell someone (like a psychiatrist) my problems rather than posting in a forum on the Internet and they will be able to help me. But that’s part of my problem: I don’t like meeting new people; especially opening up to one. Until then though can I get some help from you please?

Although I don’t really believe in mental disorders, if I had to diagnose myself I would say I either have social anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, or most likely something I’ve read about called love-shyness, or even all of the above.

[jacq10]

Hi there,

First of all welcome to PC, you've came to a really good place if you're looking for a support network .. there are some really good people here.

Secondly, i'm really sorry to hear about the passing of your step brother. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been on you, especially at a time like this.

You said that you wanted to meet new people/make friends .. well is there anything at your university that you could get involved in? Any clubs or organizations that you could meet people through? I'm not sure what you're interested in ... but maybe doing something like that would open doors of interaction for you, just a thought ...

It sounds like you've had alot thrown on your plate, and i understand how lonely you must be feeling. I just started university this year and so at the beginning when i didn't know anyone (well more like a couple months), it was so hard to adjust, and just get through the weeks. I know your situation isn't the same .. but i know what you mean by just needing to have some "secure" people in your life. You should have a counselling service at your university .. maybe (if you felt comfortable) you could go and see about that, they should be free of charge if your a full time student - and they can be REALLY helpful. I've had good experiences with counsellors and it really is so encouraging just knowing that you have someone to talk to, even if it is just on a professional level.

Keep posting on here, and read around a bit .. you'll find there are many other people who you just might be able to relate to.

Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk/if you have any questions.

Take good care,
Jacqueline

[comeclarity]

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and you sound a lot like me. I engage in conversations frequently throughout the day but I am constantly monitoring myself and other people's reactions to my statements throughout conversations. I am so focused on thinking of what to say that I don't even live in the moment. This has resulted in a lot of loneliness and depression... I know how you feel bro, it hurts horribly... Life is f*ckin' brutal at times.

I too cannot open up to people. I am an emotionless person and I honestly feel as though my "real self" is buried so deep down inside of me that I'll never be able to bring it out. It's very depressing to think about but it's inevitable to think such things in the healing process. Just remember brotha, ANYONE can significantly improve their life. It's all about self-honesty and trying to understand exactly the changes in your lifestyle you have to make in order to be happy.

If you're like me, chances are you'll have fear and doubt... but this is all trickery in your mind. You must realize that if you push yourself and never give up, you WILL be successful in achieving happiness. I understand the pain you've been through... believe me... I know how badly loneliness hurts. I always seem to drive people away. However I'm trying to change that, and so can you! I found that by identifying my social inhibitions (i.e. the exact things that limit my interaction in social situations) I can start to lower them gradually... resulting in a better state of mind... a more "true" state of mind.

I, along with everyone else, am here for you bro...

Don't f*ckin give up man... I mean it...
-clarity

P.S.
See one of my earlier posts and maybe we have some similarities?

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...5&o=31&fpart=1

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcomte to Psych central.
Everyone else has left you so many good suggestions, to think about. I hope the best for you. There is help out there if you need professional help that is affordable, therapy is very comforting and needful at times to help you get through loss and pain. I hope you really try to get involved with some positive things at your school, loss is hard but therapy can help a lot in geting things together and making tings go smoother in your life. Take care Soidhonia

[mylifesucks]

comeclarity, I read your post and I have a surprising amount of things in common with you. I do go into little fantasy worlds where I imagine myself being normal or better than normal and having fun. I also have difficulty engaging in conversation. I also try to always make others happy, even people I don't like sometimes. I want everyone to like me even if I don't like them (well there are people I truly hate and don't care about either way). Weirdly enough, my family doesn't have a history of mental disorders that I know of.

Thanks for all of the replies. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'll probably be lonely and screwed up at least until the end of college, unless a miracle happens.

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello mls:
It sounds to me as if a lot of what you're going through is a combination of the usual uncertainties one can have when they're stepping out into the world on their own as coupled with grief. In other words, all things considered, it's normal, even if it does suck mightily.

It sounds as though you lost a good companion when you lost your stepbrother. This was someone who seemed to make you feel accepted for who you are and also seemed to appreciate your unique qualities. That's a big loss and those kind of losses take time to move beyond. It's not unusual to feel intense sadness and a lack of passion even a few years after such an event.

Grief can also be more difficult for a male in this culture -- women cry, they hug, they express themselves and they get their feelings out. Men are more inclined to swallow their feelings, especially if they don't have anyone they can share them with. To actively grieve men often need to do something, to take action in some way. It might help you to come to terms with your grief if you develop some grieving rituals. Here's a link that might be insightful for you in regard to men and grief: A Man's Grief

As for your lack of social circle... I've found that the best way around that is to find some things that you really enjoy doing and then go do them. If you've ever wanted to learn how to play guitar, or develop photographs, or climb mountains... this is the time to pursue those interests. Often, we cannot let go of our old way of life until we have actively sculpted out a new one. Doing new things is one way of sculpting. Somewhere in there you are bound to encounter other people who are also doing what they enjoy doing. This mutual enjoyment can be enough to forge a friendship and it sounds as if that's what you most want in your life right now.

Meanwhile, be assured that all those other people you encounter on a daily basis who appear to be so unruffled and confident on the surface are probably very much like you under the surface. All of us have doubts, all of us have inadequacies, all of us have wounds -- this is part of the human experience. In learning to accept your own humaness, you learn to accept the humaness of others and this levels the playing field dramatically.

Somewhere out there are other people who like the same music you like, who you get the same jokes you get, who like to do the same things you do. Go find them and when you do, remember that they're just as human as you are.