Having a hard time making friends due to social anxiety....

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I think that I have the same problem minus the intimidating part. I probably look like I might appear anxious at times! My friends tell me that I don't seem that way though- I have been told by a few former friends and acquaintances that I seem to be fearful of strangers (this was coming from a friend who thought it was normal to invite strangers that she met at bars and other places to a hotel room when we went out for the very last time) Uh, no! What if they're dangerous! That's stupid!

It's obvious that I don't have the best social skills, especially in groups, and I think that makes most people think that I'm weird or whatever. I've been told that I'm "weird" and to quiet by other people in the past, and somewhat recently by this uber ***** who used to be a FB acquaintance. She told me that she felt sorry for me for having a lack of friends and that I'm "inappropriate", really "dumb", that I lack "common sense", etc. Ugh! So stuff like that makes it so much harder to trust people and open up. Who wants to be judged like that?

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Sorry for the slow response! I sometimes get to tired or depressed to respond to anyone sometimes! I'm the opposite of you. When I'm depressed, I often want people to care about me and listen to how I'm feeling. When they don't, I get upset and think that they don't care about me as much as I care about them. I try to understand that other people can't always be there for me when I need them.

It's great that your friends and family didn't end up giving up on you- It helps to reach out to people when you're depressed, even if it's just on here. If you need to talk sometime, you can always PM me!

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Wow, I feel the same way at times about having my anxiety show. I also feel that I'm going to end up being judged or laughed at, or bullied. I'm not as anxious as I used to be, but certain people and social situations tend to make me nervous and anxious like parties and large social gatherings. BTW, I haven't had much luck with meetup groups lately. I only met one lady from my movie group that I sit with when she's there. She's nice, but I'm not sure if she wants to be friends or not.

Also, I finally met another women who is an organizer of another woman's meetup group who struggles with various physical ailments as well as depression. She's nice and friendly. She really needs and wants friends but is having trouble finding true friends who aren't flaky. I feel bad for her since a lot of her old friends ditched her once she got sick. I know what it's like to be rejected by so called friends all to well!

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I do that at times too! I try not to though. I'm a sensitive person and I tend to get easily hurt and offended. Unfortunately, most people aren't that sensitive and will say stupid things like don't get so butthurt over that, or stop being so sensitive, or I was just kidding, ugh!

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Hi, sorry for the slow response! Thanks for accepting my friend request- Sorry to hear that your anxiety is so bad that you can't bring yourself to join a group- Do you take meds to to control your anxiety? If not, they really do help a lot! I take paxil and valium and both drugs work well for me!

The paxil doesn't always help with the depression though. My depression will always be there which sucks. Some days are better than others though- I feel the same way about volunteering at an animal shelter. I love animals to and it would kill me to see them suffering.

It would devastate me to know when an animal is being put down since no one wanted them as well! If I had the money to, I'd open up the biggest and nicest no kill animal shelter to where every animal would be free to roam around and eat the best food and get the best medical care!

You're not being selfish at all! I kind of understand how that works. I feel like other people can usually tell that something is off about me too! It sucks! As for women, I kind of feel the same way. My main problem is that sometimes they don't mean what they say and that sometimes they might be a little competitive or have issues with jealousy.

The main issue for me though is that most women tend to be way to obsessed with the men in their life. Once most of them get a b.f or married, they tend to forget about their friends most of the time. I have this one friend who never bothers to contact me anymore since she got a b.f last year, ugh!

She still goes out with me most of the time when I ask her if she'd like to hang out, but I always have to initiate plans with her. Luckily her b.f works on the weekends! If he didn't, I doubt that I'd ever see her again!

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Me too. I feel that I'm also usually being excluded in social situations for no particular reason at all! Even when I try to be friendly and social, it doesn't help which makes me so frustrated and upset! Sorry to hear about your celiac disease.

A lot of people have it now, so it's not really a stigma anymore. Anyone who doesn't understand that is a person that you shouldn't bother talking to IMHO. I'd love to be outgoing to, but that's not the way that I was born- I'm glad that you shared your story too-

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I'm kind of the same way! I think that I might be doing things to scare people away too! I'm not sure what it could be though! I don't ask anyone anything that's inappropriate, and I ask people questions about themselves, and it seems like I'm doing almost everything right, and I still struggle with making friends, ugh!

I don't always make the best eye contact. Also, I can't read body language as well as other people. I'm always worried that I look anxious too! My social skills aren't the worst, but they're not at the level of the average person, ugh!

I know how you feel. I'm 42 and I feel that it'll just get to be harder and harder to make friends as I get older. Being rejected on a constant basis does lead to a vicious cycle. For me, I want to give up sometimes, but I force myself to keep on trying since I do want and need more friends in my life! Don't give up!

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Sorry for the slow response. I almost gave up on meetup a few times, but I figured that not every group will be the same, and I was right! Some groups are cliquey and not as friendly, but other groups are better and friendlier in general.

It sounds like you don't do well in large groups either. So maybe you can just give a few small meetups another chance? I would if I were you. If you do end up getting ignored or stuck with some bore who just goes on and on about themselves, just make up some excuse to leave and then leave! You can always use the old I have to go as I have a headache or stomach now, lol!

Yes, I've experienced that too, friends ditching you once they find out you have problems like depression etc.. Pretty sad, that some people act like that. But I know other friends (from the past) didn't ditch me, but felt uncomfortable around me, and found it easier to stay away. Either way, it still hurts.

It's nice you've met a couple of ladies who seem nice out of those meet up groups. I thought about joining a meditation group here in town, once I feel up to going. Building up my confidence slowly to where I am trying out other kinds of groups, or clubs. I know those are great places to meet other like-minded people, while do something too.

It really does seem like resolving this problem involves slowly building up confidence and comfort.

I am slowly becoming more social-- this weekend I got together with two different sets of former coworkers that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was good to hear what other people are up to and just to reconnect in a basic way.

I have a really hard time figuring out when I don't want to go out with someone because I don't like them and when it is just due to my being anti-social/wanting to isolate myself. It's like I don't trust my motives, if that makes sense, so I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking and second guessing myself.

I also worry about over-extending myself and feeling obligated -- does anyone else do that? It's like I worry that I am going to make a new friend and then have to deal with them calling me to get together more often than I want to -- so I avoid making new friends!

I need to find a class to take this fall/winter - I really like meeting people in classes and I think I am back in the mindset where I know how to do it (i.e. don't sit in the front row and don't look at my phone during the break).

Yes, I do that too. Three weeks ago, an old high school friend told me, she has moved closer to my town. Now, she wants to get together, if she comes through here to go shopping. I was happy about the idea at first, but my mind started anxiously overthinking it. Worried that she'll put expectations on me, and this friendship, everytime she comes here. So, I've decided not to respond, any further, to her messages. Ridiculous!

I am realizing, I am the one going to miss out, and is sabotaging anything great due to warpy negative thinking and feeling towards future friendships, fun-times, and events.

My warpy mindset...
I love the "idea" of meeting, and making new friends, but when it actually is going to happen, I panic and feel insecure about it all.


I'm going to be working in this self-help workbook (after I finish working in my PTSD workbook) for my Social anxiety. I am recognizing how I isolate myself, and how it is affecting my life, and the people who care about me. I dream up what I want, but never fall through with it, due to my anxious-worried depressed mind.

You really see the destructive pattern of self-abuse, when you've awakened.

Ha, I have a friend who wants to get together when she comes into town for shopping too -- it stresses me out sometimes because now she only wants to meet for breakfast and lunch, she usually invites another person that I find somewhat boring, and I don't like the restaurants she picks. We used to go walking, but she doesn't have time for that now.

I've declined the past few invites and probably need to contact her about getting together soon. I suspect that other people simply decline invites they aren't interested in and don't worry so much as we do about whether or not it looks bad or is okay to do.

That entire situation sounded like they were the ones with the problem, not you. You tried, you were nice, they saw you sitting there, and no one tried to strike up a conversation with you other than to ask how your food was? You're right, that is rude. A lot of people have personal issues and might even feel shy themselves, so that could be why they didn't know what to say to you. Don't take it personally though. They got quiet when you said goodbye because they probably all suddenly realized at once that they didn't make an effort to get to know you, so you left. Don't feel bad about that. If I were you I would just keep doing what you're doing, with different people, different groups, until you find the people you actually click with.

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Sorry to hear that! From now on, maybe neither of us should even mention being depressed or anything like that at all! People can be very weird and judgmental at times. It's almost like they think they can get depressed just by being around us, ugh! Some people only want to hang around happy and upbeat people. I try to avoid those type of people.

You should try to start that group. It's hard to build up confidence, so take baby steps and try not to let any set backs stop you from doing what you want to do. I try not to take rejection to personally anymore. It's hard, but if you work at it, you'll get better at building your confidence. I'm still a work in progress!

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Sorry for the slow response! I didn't even get a notice about this thread! Weird! I'm forgetful too, so I just saw this. What do you mean about over-extending yourself and feeling obligated? Why can't you just say no to people when you don't really feel like going out? Is it because of your social anxiety?

I'd much rather have someone tell me no to an invite rather than have them end up not enjoying themselves around me and wanting to avoid my calls and emails so that they don't have to feel obligated to hang out with me. It's always best to be honest with people and only go out with them when you are willing and ready to do so.

I think that most people can sense when you don't really want to be around them. So you're not doing them any favors in any way. Hopefully that didn't come across as being judgmental or anything. I was just trying to offer you some advice. Going back to school sounds great. What classes are you interested in taking?

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Sorry to hear that! Is your friend aware of your anxiety issues? If not, maybe you can let her know that so that she won't think that you're trying to avoid her. It's hard to be social at times when anxiety gets to you. Thank goodness for paxil and valium! I couldn't function that well w/o those two meds! Maybe you can take some extra anti-anxiety meds when you go out? I do that when I need to for when I go to a large party or anywhere to where I know where I'll be forced to socialize with strangers or more than my husband and immediate family members

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Your friends sounds kind of inflexible. How about suggesting a few new places, or places that you actually like going to that she would like too? You need to speak up if you want things to change. As for that boring person, let her know that you'd rather just spend time with her so that you can talk more openly about things.

Maybe you could suggest walking again with her. Like I said, you really need to let her know how you feel. Otherwise you'll just keep on being stuck doing whatever she wants all the time. If she refuses to make any compromises, then stop hanging out with her as much. It's not fair to you if she isn't willing to do what you want half the time.

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Thanks, you're right about what you said! Most of them seem like they knew each other already. I hate some of these cliquey type meetup groups, ugh! Yeah, they were being rude. Only one woman actually talked to me at the bar. When her other friends arrived, she ignored most of the time then and she didn't even introduce me to anyone although she knew that was my first time in the group!

One woman told me to get up and mingle. I was stuck in the corner, so I shouldn't get stuck in the corner and be invisible anymore. They all seemed like they were outgoing, and I'm shy, and whey a shy person is around a bunch of loud extroverts, they tend to get ignored most of the time. Sometimes it seems as if most people don't even want to take that much time to get to know a shy person. Maybe they thought that I was being unfriendly, awkward, weird, boring, or whatever. I wish that more people would give me a chance and not be so quick to judge and dismiss me after I try to talk to them.

I have a hard time making friends after initially meeting a person, but don't have much of problem after knowing him/her for a month or so. So hopefully you can hang out with a person long enough to not be as nervous around him/her. I think choosing a situation that is low pressure/low anxiety can help effect the start of a friendship with someone.

What sort of traits/values are you looking for in a friend?
There are others who are looking for your unique qualities too.

Jade

Yes, sounds familiar.
I'm always shy, feel rejected and out of place at these kind of social gatherings.
I have no idea how to strike up a random conversation and keep it going.

Not sure if it means anything, but some honest people have given me feedback in private about my behaviour in these settings:
Once i was told me that I seem to have gone crazy and should leave my house more often. This wasn't meant in a bad way, just constructive criticism and I couldn't agree more with him. We had a few more drinks and then said I was his buddy

In another instance somebody mentioned that I came off as arrogant by not participating in the group chat. This was new to me and somewhat concerning.

Also, it helps to think that you're doing others a favor just by talking to them.

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Same here. I tend to feel much more at ease with people who act warm, accepting, and who seem to be non-judgmental almost right away. If I sense for even second that I'm being judged, then I close up and I don't want to get to know that person anymore.

You're right, I definitely need a low pressure and low anxiety environment. So I'll have to start choosing to go to more events like that.

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Must have qualities for any friend include:

loyalty

trustworthiness

being open minded and fairly non-judgmental

kindness

unselfishness

Being able to be there for me and others as often as they can be

Not competitive

Not the jealous type

No drug users (medical weed OK though)

No felons

Not a sociopath/psychopath (LOL)!!!!

Have a good sense of humor (but not to sarcastic)

Like trying new places and cuisine

Not to rigid and inflexible

Not full of it or themselves

Not to gossipy

Not the type to ditch their friends once they meet a guy for months at a time

Tactful and sensitive to other feelings

Not a flake

Not a liar

Is that to much to ask for? I don't think so.

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You're lucky that a few people have had the guts to be honest with you. What do you mean that they thought that you were going crazy? I have been told that I seem aloof and unfriendly, but usually anxious in group situations. So because of that, people don't usually approach me, ugh! I do try to talk to other people, but honestly, most of the time, it seems if they're not really interested in talking to me.

They seem polite at best, or they'll talk to me if no one else is around, but when someone else starts talking to them, they seem much more into the conversation. I do end up asking them appropriate questions, and I don't' talk about myself that much unless they ask me something, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I end up feeling even more alone and rejected. It sucks so much! It's very rare that people talk to me first which makes the feeling of rejection much more intense. I feel like giving up on people sometimes.