Having a hard time making friends due to social anxiety....

Does anyone else on here have a hard time making friends in real life due to social anxiety issues? I have for most of my life. My social anxiety used to be so bad in my 20's, that I wouldn't leave the house unless I had to most of the time. I'd sometimes shake in public and I could barely stay out for long or even talk to most people.

Anyways, I'm in my 40's now and thanks to taking paxil and valium, I don't shake anymore. I don't get as nervous in public anymore most of the time, but I do lack confidence and some social skills. I have tried to attend a few meetups, and despite having met a few women who seem nice, no one ever tries to talk to me that much.

I do try to talk to people & ask them questions, but for some reason, I usually get ignored by most women, ugh! I'm married, so I'm not really looking for male friends. They are usually easier to talk to at times though. Anyways, yesterday I went to a meetup groups and before a large groups of women came to the restaurant we were at, I was able to talk just fine withe the organizer who approached me as well as one other woman.

I noticed that most of the women who came later tried to ignore me. I was looking at them and was trying to find the right time to say hi, but I feel as if they were purposely trying to ignore me. WTH? How rude! Most of them seemed to know the other women in the group. So I was sitting by one of the women who was friendly to me, and then when I went to the bar to get a drink, this rude friend of hers took my seat!

That lady then ignored me after that and kept on talking to her friend the whole time! An empty glass was there, so of course it was clear that I was sitting there! So I ended up sitting at the end of the table and NO ONE tried to talk to me aside from asking how my food was.

I felt so stupid, rejected, and sort of pissed, so I just ate my meal and played with my phone. I TRIED and was REJECTED! I don't get what I did wrong! I don't think that I'll be going back to that group again. I'm shy, reserved, and introverted, and those women seemed loud and extroverted, so I guess that I don't fit in with them. I was polite enough to say goodbye to everyone at once. I was the first one to leave and then they just said it was nice meeting me. They all got quiet then. Again, WTH?

Does anyone else ever have these experiences with other people? I TRY to be friendly, and I try to fit in, but I never ever do in groups! I'm so much better with people one on one. Why would people reject me when I tried to be nice?

This happens all the time! It makes me really upset and I feel like giving up on even trying to make friends sometimes. I do have three friends right now, but they rarely have time for me, so I'd like to make new ones. If this keeps on happening though, I might just give up on even trying anymore.

I don’t have a hard time making friends because of the anxiety, but I too find it hard to make new female friends compared with males, I’m also introverted, and I’ll be the quietest girl in a group of people, (maybe I’ll just stick with my old female friends.) Don’t give up, you will find your friend when you least expect it.

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You're lucky that social anxiety doesn't get in the way of making friends. It seems like I'm lucky if I can manage to meet ONE woman out of every hundred that I meet that actually wants to be friends with me and not just do the old, let's hang out sometime and then they end up never emailing or calling you, ugh!

I'm curious to know why it's harder for you to meet female friends. It's extremely frustrating to keep trying and end up failing most of the time. It really takes a toll on my self esteem and what little confidence that I have. I feel like most people, especially very chatty women have zero interest in being friends with someone who is shy and introverted. It seems as if most people equate being shy and introverted as being "boring", "weird", and maybe "unfriendly" before even trying to get to know you as a person!

ABSOLUTELY.

I really do not have any friends (ie someone who would just stop by your house to talk or who would ask you to come over a move a sofa). I have three people from high school that I talk to a few times a year and that is about it. And even then the setting needs to be just 4-5 people total - after that I simply blend into the wall.

As for social settings - arrrrrg. Saturday is my 30th class reunion and I can not express how much I am dreading this event. My wife and I graduated together and she wants to go. But to try to make small talk with 100 people that I really do not know.?.?.?.?

Q: "so what is new"
A: "nothing, I am UNABLE to talk to people - so what could be new?"

I do not actually have social anxiety, but seem to be lacking greatly in social skills. I guess the end result is the same.

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Finding real friends, the kind who will stick with you and help you out when you need help are very hard to find. Especially when you're shy, have social anxiety, introverted, or just not the most socially gifted person, ugh! I just hate groups! Even small ones! I also become the invisible person in them!

As for your reunion, wow, only a large amount of money could ever make me go to something like that! If you're not driving, maybe you can have a few drinks to take the edge off? If there is anyone that you'll know there that you can tolerate, I'd try to stick to talking to them most of the time. Or you can just make a few "important" phone calls or answer a few work "texts", lol! Then find a quiet area and stay away from everyone as long as you can, ha ha! Of course, your wife might notice, but not if she's busy mingling probably. Good luck with everything!

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I think that it's my lack of social skills and being able to read people well that gets in the way of making friends sometimes. I tend to take what people say literally. It's hard for me to know if someone is just being nice or if they mean what they say. Ugh!

Excuse my large font, my eyesight is poor. But in response to that question- Oh. My gosh. YES! I am in my 40s too and have suffered with it my whole life. I really feel for you and understand what you're going through. I left a large city and moved back to a rural area that I'm originally from last year. I did not have friends in the place I left although I had lived there nearly 8 years. I was able to get on a mental health treatment program here for very little money which was a huge help. I started looking through meetup dot com. I found that there were 2 meet groups in my town. One was a religious affiliated group which I did not feel comfortable with. The other was a group where they worship crystals and chant. I even gave that a try, especially since I was already there and did not want to act all standoffish. Yeh, it just was not a match for me.

I have had similar experiences such as you described- where you go and make an honest effort and get snubbed by what appears to be a snobbish clique of high school girls. I remember thinking 'Why was the group or event even open to others if you truly don't seem to welcome anyone new?'

One time I asked my 19-year-old daughter to accompany me to a social anxiety support group at a large book store. She was happily willing. We got there and I could not see any sort of group or meeting. I did note a small group of women in the coffee shop area and I asked them if they were with the anxiety support group. Nope. I asked several staff members if they knew where the anxiety support meeting was. Nope I was so flustered by this time told my daughter let's get out of here. I posted on the meetup website that I had gone to the exact location and had not been able to find anybody who knew a thing about it. The reply: 'Sorry you couldn't find us. Hope you can come next time!'

Well sorry I have taken over your post. I didn't mean to! Just know that others do know your struggle.

Hugs.

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Hi, my font is sort of large too, so that's OK- Wow, and I thought I was some sort of freak and that I was the problem most of the time! That's good to know it's not just me! I can relate to everything that you said! Execpt that I'm lucky enough to live in a fairly large area. Some meetup.com groups just suck! Keep on looking for different groups outside of the area that might be nearby.

You can also start your own group, but you'd have to pay a fee for that. It seems as if most people can sense when someone has anxiety or is different in some way and that it puts them off for some reason which sucks! We're not bad people! I wish that more people would give us a chance! It does seem like a lot of women still have that cliquey Jr. High mentality still even when they're middle aged, ugh!

Maybe you can try doing some kind of volunteer work at a animal shelter or something like that? People who do volunteer work seem like they're genuinely nice and caring people. One of my friends does volunteer work at a hospital despite having a handicap with her hand from a sports injury.

You sound like a cool person. Some meetups are just not a good match for some people. I'm going to send you a friend request now- You can PM me whenever you want. I could always use more friends, even if they're just online ones!

I find it hard to make new female friends because I’m quiet and shy, and most of the time I don’t know what to say really, nothing comes to my mind! For guys its different they will do most of the talking and they fun to be around.

Shy Introvert, thanks for the friend request. I did accept it and I very much appreciate the offer of your friendship. Yeh you know, I said to myself 'It's REALLY bad when you're so socially awkward you can't even manage to join an anxiety support group.' That was in the large city I used to live in. There is nothing here on the meetups.

And if I volunteered at the animal shelter I would die of a broken heart for sure. I just love animals so much.

Not to sound selfish but right now I am trying to get SSI Disability not just for mental health problems but Osteoarthritis- it makes it difficult to stand very long. So it would be just my luck they'd find me doing something on a volunteer basis and say "See there! She can work if she wants to!"

I too have felt for many years that others sense something is "off" about me and they steer clear. I also didn't realize how common this feeling apparently is. I guess you and I are just cut from different cloth.

Sonny, I think ultimately men are easier to be friends with because other women are typically worried that you have some sort of agenda, trying to steal their man, bump them out of their promotion, etc. Just a thought . . .

I can relate to what your going thru. I have always been so shy. In social situations I often feel like Im being purposely excluded; Im not sure if I imagine this, or if most people are not friendly. I have celiac disease which is an extreme intolerance to gluten, a protein found in many foods. This creates awkward moments in any situation involving food ( pretty much everywhere lol) I would love to be the friendly, bubbly person. Just have no idea how to start lol. glad you shared this with us

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I turned 40 this year and still find making friends difficult.

The few friends I have sort of approached me and pushed through my anxiety. I find it frustrating sometimes that when I try to be more proactive and approach people I tend to scare them off (even some who initially approached me).

I think I'm becoming more confident but I still lack social skills and that shows. Even basics like appropriate eye contact or smiling socially. I was thinking today that I probably look at people too much, or maybe not enough, and possibly I have a look of anxiety on my face that makes others uncomfortable. It's a vicious circle though since rejection leads to more anxiety and anxiety seems to lead to rejection.

It all makes me very wary and not want to be around people most of the time. And then I think time is running out and I should get out there more. But when most social effort ends up making me feel drained and even more anxious and depressed, it's hard to build up much enthusiasm for it.

So yeah, I know how you feel.

Shy Introvert, I responded to a similar thread in a different subforum, but since you are talking about Meetup, I wanted to chime in

My Meetup experiences have been pretty awful. I've heard that it really depends on your area -- I have a friend in a much more densely populated area who is always meeting cool people and having a blast. That is not the way it works where I am (in a town of about 100k). I'm basically done with Meetup -- I keep my eye on a few groups that do classes or lectures occasionally, but I don't want to actually meet anyone through there.

Your story about going to the event and talking to the organizer and one other woman when you first got there, and then feeling kind of excluded afterwards sounds really familiar to me. I feel okay when there are just a few people and we are all talking together, but when people break up into little clumps, I never feel like I fit into any of them. I feel like I am interrupting or not wanted. I think this has more to do with how I feel than how anyone else feels (I hope).

What often happens to me is I get stuck with someone who just keeps talking about themselves, the person who is just looking for an audience/victim.

I continue to force myself to participate in these kinds of activities (not through Meetup). Usually it ends in disappointment, but I am definitely learning more as I practice...

In the past, I was anxious but managed to make friends and be okay with it. After my severe bout of depression... that changed me big time! I became a different person. I was more anxious and panicky to paranoid. I pushed a lot of people away and isolated myself from society for quite some time. This was hard on my husband and kids.

Presently, yes I am having a hard time making new friends due to these anxious thoughts and feelings. Always assuming the worst case scenario is going to occur if I follow through with meeting new people even seeing my old friends. It's easier to meet people online than it is in person. So I don't get anxious about that.

I'll be working on a self help workbook for Anxieties as soon as I finish the one for PTSD. I'm hoping that'll help me overcome a lot of these negative feelings and thoughts and have healthy coping skills to deal with whatever arises when I meet people in social settings.

I like one on one as well, or a small group like 2 to 4 people tops. Brings my anxiety level down some when it is a smaller group. But, I still prefer a one on one meeting to get to know that person well. Bigger crowds... I tend to want to stay away. Hopefully, after working in my self help books, I won't feel that way anymore.

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Me too! I can make some small talk, but I'm terrible in groups! I hate having to compete with the louder and more outgoing women for any attention at all! I often get ignored in groups! I'm OK with talking to most people one on one though as long as they're nice!

Yeah, guys are usually easier to talk to. I love it when they act all goofy and make me laugh! I like it when anyone does most of the talking, but not to the point to where they show zero interest in me. I don't like people who talk to much or only about themselves. I have some good news to share, I'm going to a meetup group tomorrow and I had a nice long talk with the organizer last night. We have similar issues.

She is physically disabled though, so she can't go out much. Then there is this other woman who I met in person a few weeks ago that agreed to hang out with me this Friday. I haven't heard back from her yet. Hopefully she isn't a flake.

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Hi, I just accepted your friend request- I used to be almost like you, so I know what you're going through! How did you end up pushing people away? I think that I did the same thing by expecting to much from people at times and getting upset when they couldn't be there for me.

I now know better than to expect to much from other people, especially when they're dealing with their own issues. It's easier for me to make friends online too! Anyways, congrats on writing two books! I'd love to know the names of those two books when they're done so that I can read both of them.

Especially the one about anxiety! I'm a lot less anxious than I used to be- I took baby steps in overcoming some things. I'd start by saying hi to store clerks and if they seemed nice, I'd make some small talk with them instead of trying to ignore them or fidget with my purse or phone.

Maybe most of us tend to become more confident as we get older? I don't know. I'm the same way in groups! I hate big groups! I try to force myself to socialize in them sometime as most meetup groups can be large. Some groups can have up to 20 plus people at them at one time! I tend to end up trying to talk to whoever is near me, and that's it. I'm so much better talking to people one on one!

I'm going to a meetup tomorrow to where the group will be small, so hopefully I can meet some new women there tomorrow who are nice. The organizer is really nice and we talked for an hour last night on the phone.

I think that we'll end up becoming friends. There is this one other lady that seems interested in hanging out with me again this Friday for the second time, but I haven't heard back from her yet. Hopefully she's not another flake.

The two friends I have did the same. They were able to see past my quirkiness.

I usually scare people away. See below for why.

I asked a few people why I seem to scare others. Apparently I come across as intimidating, shy, and uninterested. I was also told my quiet nature and lack of facial expression and eye contact makes it difficult for people to converse with me.

Finding topics to discuss makes me anxious. When I get really anxious maintaining a conversation becomes extremely difficult. I do calm down if the other person leads the conversation.

I find group conversation hard to follow. It is as if I am listening to noise. I prefer to socialize with one or two people.

I'm really enjoying this thread because learning how to develop better friendships is something I have been working on this year. I also have tended to have friends that found me first, as it were -- but this has caused problems as those people have tended to be very dominant talkers and eventually I get burnt out.

I have been throwing myself in group situations more and more, to sort of desensitize myself and just get plain old practice. I have definitely made some mistakes and come off oddly, but I am getting better over time, thankfully.

I'm also seeing some of the advantages of group activities, even if I would rather see people one-on-one. It's a huge time saver!

Sometimes I just don't 'get' it and wish that there was a rule book for friendships. Like how often do you have to see friends? What do you do if you want to see someone occasionally, but not every three days?

Oh sorry... I should of wrote, I am working in a self-help workbook for my PTSD and will be working in another for dealing with my Anxieties. (I didn't write them, I bought two self-help therapy workbooks from our local bookstore since I don't have a Therapist.)

I wondered if you were writing them! Are you finding the workbooks helpful?

How did you end up pushing people away? I think that I did the same thing by expecting to much from people at times and getting upset when they couldn't be there for me.

That is one of they things I ended up doing but most of it was avoiding them when I saw them in public, or ignoring their calls to go hang out. The other thing I did that I feel bad about is giving them the vibe I didn't care about them anymore. When I was going through severe depression, I wanted to be alone. I didn't want people to see me like that and what depression was doing to my outer appearance as well as my inner spirit. It was "sucking" the life out of me and I wanted people to leave me alone. I was so ashamed and felt so low. I pushed my husband and kids away but they kept pushing themselves back into my life. I was so suicidal at that stage of my life. Just wanted to disappear forever. Glad I'm still here and didn't make that a reality.


Glad to hear you are taking baby steps towards healing your anxieties. It's nice to know you aren't giving up on those meetup groups. I haven't been to a meetup group and not sure if I'm ready to take that step. Let me know how it goes.

I am finding the workbook for my PTSD is helping. If I am keeping consistent and doing the Mind-Body Bridging practices daily with the other tools they use to help me cope... I feel better. I am rational, calm and pleasant and can handle most past bad memories, or triggers that come about. When I don't practice these tools, I revert back to the old ways of thinking and being and my life is a struggle all over again.

It is a 10 week program. I'm on the 8th week. Once I'm done, I'll start working in the self-help workbook for Anxieties. Looking forward to that workbook.

Presently, I am finding it hard to phone up old friends that I know well. Thinking they may not want to hang out with me because it has been years and I gave off vibes to stay away from me. When I went on Facebook (it has been over a year since I was on) I had a good response from family and old friends... it made me feel good.

The thing is with this anxiety...

It overwhelms me with negative thoughts and feelings about hanging out with people I know and people I don't know well. I make excuses once again to avoid them. So they get the hint, I'm not interested and leave me be.

I want too hang out with old friends and meet new people but anxious thinking gets the better of me and I miss out.

I am looking forward when I start working in a self-help workbook for my anxieties, so I can overcome these troublesome feelings about meeting up with people and hanging out with them.

I know one of my anxious thoughts are...

"What will they think of me, or what are they saying about me?"

And for anxious feelings...

I get sick to my stomach
I get nervous and shaky
My neck and shoulders are so tense and tight
I either will talk too quickly, or too little
My heart pounds
I feel sweaty
I feel out of sorts like I don't belong
etc...

When these anxiety symptoms occur infront of people, I get even more anxious that they can pick up on this insecure vibe, and I feel, I'm going to be judged, or targeted.

I have an incredibly hard time making friends. I always feel so awkward. I also overanalyze everything people say and do, so I think people hate me when they probably don't, so I shut down.