[Gaston]

Please bear with me, this is a long post.

First time here. Glad I found this place, being anonymous has it's advantages. In a world where it's hard to talk about my problems, it's nice to know there is a place where I can get some things off my chest, and possibly get advice and opinions from others who may be sharing my pain.

My issue is OCD. I have been able to shake the compulsions for the most part, but the obsessions are ever present and I have been, so far, unsuccessful in shaking them.

Have you ever had a question that you were trying to answer, but you couldn't find the answer because your mind kept getting in the way, and even if you came to a result, you couldn't be sure that the answer was the correct one, so you kept on with no seeming end in sight?

This is me in a nutshell. Ever searching, never finding.

I have been OCD for quite some time, but wasn't officially diagnosed until about 3 years ago. In that time, I have seen 2 different therapists who have had me on Xyprexa and Luvox, and the latter has had me on Paxil. None of these had any "real" results in eliminating or even cutting down the need to ritualize.

The funny thing about my OCD is that I sometimes feel that my OCD is caused from my fears, and my fears are what cause my OCD. I feel that if I could somehow answer the question and relieve my fears, my OCD would go away.

So, what is my problem exactly? Well, it's kind of hard to talk about. The subject is taboo in most circles, and certainly not one that i would talk about with any of my friends and co-workers.

For starters, let me explain my ritualization process. Everything seems to deal with doing things a certain number of times in order for it to feel "right". It's kind of like a light switch, where 1 is on and 2 is off. So when I ritualize, I have to do things twice so that it is in the "off" position, or as if the second one negates the first one, and the ritualization never took place at all and i'm back to where i was before i started the ritual. But then I start to think "well, even if i do something once, I should just let it be like that", so I try to leave the thought in the "on" position (or at a 1), but if i do it a second time, then it is in the off position, so I do it a third time to get it back into the "on" position.

However, in my mind, if i get a visualization of an image, i have to repeat that EXACT image until it's "right". If anything in that image changes, beit a color, or a shape, or anything, then that is like a new image, and then I have to do that one first, then back to the original one. However, my mind wanders and I sometimes can't control my thoughts, so it will run away from me and the next thing you know, I have several variants of the image that I have to work back through in a reverse order until I get back to the original one, hoping that I can finish it in order to stop and ease the anxiety.

The need to ritualize stems from the anxiety that if I dont go through with it, something will happen, either i'll not get something that ive been wanting, or my fears will be true.

Back to the exact nature of my problem.

I guess it all started when I was in high school. I used to have a problem with washing my hands alot, and the start of doing things exactly right. Over the years, it turned into full blown obsessions and compulsions, where I would have to repeat an action a certain number of times...again to get it into either an "on" or "off" position, and it felt right.

Eventually, my compulsions became a bad problem, causing me to be distraught, and I would spend hours a day doing things repeatedly. Eventually I was able to say "enough is enough" and was able to, for the most part, stop my compulsions and physical ritualizations. However, my obsessions are still ever present and I am unable to get rid of them.

As far back as i can remember, i've always been a straight male. Even to this day, I like women. However, I get these thoughts of sexual situations with other men. At 35 years old, this is a perplexing situation, for me at least.

Like I said, I like women, but I dont know if i don't like men or not, and I cannot figure it out. What happens is I have images of a sexual nature pop into my head, and I think of them to see how they make me feel. Do I like them? Do I dislike them? What I end up doing is thinking of them until I feel that I don't like them, or when I think of them, to myself I go "eww". But like I said previously, my mind wanders, so while I am trying to think of one image, something about that image will change, or a new image will just pop into my head, and I have to think of that one first, and then back to the original one. So, it is really hard to get back to the original image.

When it comes down to the end, I don't know if I am searching for the answer or just trying to convince myself that I dont like those things, and thus not being able to truely answer my question.

I think that after years of this process, I may have desensitized myself to the whole thing. Now, i'm not sure if homosexual images bother me or not. This is to the point that if I think of an image, and don't get a negative feeling about it, I start to fear that I may actually like it. Therein lies the question i've been searching so hard to answer.

The problem is compunded by the fact that I think guys are good looking, or attractive, and i'm not sure if that is normal or not. If you talk to most guys, they'd never tell you if they thought another man was "good looking", yet I find myself thinking that.

The problem is, im not sure what that attraction means. Am I attracted to them physically, sexually, or is it more of a "this is a neat guy, and a really good person" and therefore I am attracted to their personality as a friend, or maybe it's me wanting to be like them (good looking, good natured, smart, funny etc..)

What leads me to believe the latter is true is that, I think, the people I have these feelings about are people I know, at work, or see on TV.

When it comes to strangers that ive never met before, it adds a new piece to the puzzle. I can see a guy somewhere, who is good looking, and it's almost like I place a personality to that person based on the way he looks. If he looks like a good, mild mannered person, then I get to feeling insecure again. Again, not sure if I am sexually attracted, or simply putting a perceived personality together with someone who is good looking and mistaking it for something that it is not.

It's to the point where I just need to find out where I stand in the world. Am I gay, am I bi, or am I straight? Ive thought about this so much, that it seems like when I start imagining these things, I can't tell the difference anymore. It could be that ive been focusing so much on getting a desired result that I have been unable to allow the true feelings to come through, but it's the true feelings that i am afraid of. I dont want to be gay. Like i said, I am attracted to women in several different ways, but not knowing how I feel about the same sex is what scares me, and if I cant think of a same sex sexual situation without getting a grossed out feeling, it makes me wonder if I am inclined to that sort of thing.

I have even tried just saying "fine, im gay" or "im bi", but even that doesnt work, becuase it all comes back down to trying to find the correct answer, and thus i still go over it in my mind, trying to find a result, but it never comes to that.

The other thing that scares me is that if the result is that I am gay or bi, the implications and impact that would have on my life. How others would perceive me and how they would react to me. The loss of friends, family, and possible problems on the job (I work in the oilfield, so people there can be very unforgiving at times). Also, and I know it's a common stereotype, but the fear of diseases, like AIDS, that seem to have the stigma of surrounding people who partake in alternate lifestyles.

Ive thought about going ahead and trying acting on my fears, just to see if that would help me out, but another fear crops up. What if I am gay, would that mean I would never be able to have contact with a female again? Or, what if I did it and found out that I am not gay, how would that impact my heterosexual life, simply because my fear of spreading disease would prevent me from having contact with women. Also, because I try to be an honest person, how could I enter into a relationship with a woman knowing what I had done, and how would she feel if she knew it.

Sometimes I think about homosexual situations, and I don't get the "grossed out" feeling when I do. It's almost like homosexual people don't really bother me. Is that a sign that I may be into that sort of thing, or is it simply I feel that way because i've exposed myself to those thoughts for such a long period of time. Or is it just because those things simply dont bother me, or maybe because I dont feel threatened by them.

Ive tried looking at gay pictures and even watching clips of gay porn, just to see how it made me feel, to no avail. I'm not sure what I felt when I watched them, I think it was indifference.

One of my problems is that I tend to go in initial "gut" feeling when I think or see something like this. When I say "gut" feeling, I mean, that little tickle you get in your stomach. I guess you could compare it to the feeling of butterflies or the feeling you get when you are on a roller coaster ride...you know...that little tickle in your belly. I guess sometimes I mistake that as a reaction..and since it's not a sickening feeling, I guess I think of it as a feeling of "like".

Anyway, all of these things are hard to decipher. Something tells me that if I could just answer the question, and find out that I am not gay, for 100% sure, I could just forget about it and go on and lead a happy heterosexual life.

Other than that, I also fear the impact that this has had on my life already. I spend most of my day, every day, from the time I wake up, til the time I go to bed thinking about these things. I feel that I think about it so much that I dont use my mind for more productive things, like problem solving issues at work. I think that ive been doing this for so long that over the years ive become...dumb, simply because my mind isn't absorbing things I could have been learning all this time. I cant think about the things I want to think about, because I spend all of my time thinking about these obsessions.

I think that I have missed out on alot in life. It's hard for me to do anything, because I dont feel comfortable doing anything else until I get whatever thought is in my head complete and feeling "right", but it just keeps going on and on.

So, there it is. Hoping that someone out there might have some insight. Maybe they have, or know someone who has, experienced something similar, or something exactly like this. Maybe someone can tell me if thinking members of the same sex are good looking is normal or not (for guys anyway). Are my fears unfounded? Is it just a product of my misinterpretation? Is this attraction I feel for these people really just friendship or is it something else?

I think I am having a hard time differentiating the difference between love for a friend, and love in a relationship way. What is the difference? Is the love you feel for a friend the same love you would feel for a mate, just minus the sexual desire, or is there a difference in the love you would feel for each of them?

Anyway, thanks for reading this. Sorry it was so long, but I simply wanted to put it all out on the table, to be as clear and truthful as I could and to convey, as close as I can, to exactly what I am feeling.

[lemmkins]

Gaston, I understand that this is a difficult path that you are on. I hope that here at Psychcentral you find what you are seeking. My thoughts are with you.

lemmkins.

gaston......i read your entire post and realize that you have many questions that you want answered.......i don't mean to simplify any of it as i know how confusing it is for you.....what i can tell you is that i have suffered with ocd for many years......i have had the same rituals as you...the counting to make things right, the thoughts.....even the dilema as to whether i was straight, bi or lesbian.........the mind of a person with ocd is something that only one who has it one can understand.......when i was finally at my wits end and it was either get some help or suicide....i chose help......i found a good psychiatrist and began trials and mistrials of various meds finally settling on prozac.......i currently take 80mg and expect to go to 100mg shortly......the meds and therapy have reduced my symptoms by about 95% and the thoughts and rituals have become very mild......i would encourage you to continue to seek professional help and explore other meds or higher dosages that may work better for you.......as to all your questions?...i think they are all perfectly normal.......especially for someone with ocd.....and if i were asked what i thought of your sexuality questions?....i would venture a good guess that you are a heterosexual man who is dealing with a quite severe case of ocd.....if you ever need to chat........let me know.......i care and i understand

[Gaston]

Thanks for your kind words. I have been dealing with this problem for many years. I often wonder what life is like on the other side. How it would feel to wake up one day, clear headed, to be able to think freely and to not have to worry about the day ahead. What will trigger it? Am I going to spend the entire day obsessing? Will I be able to resist it?

I often wonder, if I didnt have OCD, what could I have done in life? Could I have been much more? Have been held back because it's hard to move forward when spending so much time with ritual thoughts and trying to just be normal?

Although the subject of my dilema is considered taboo, and most people scoff and frown at the subject matter, just posting here and getting off my chest has given me a mild feeling of relief. I guess divulging and being able to talk about it openly, instead of keeping it bottled up, gives me a little bit of freedom.

Thank you, and thank PsychCentral for being here.