Hello again, (very long and detailed..and probably repetetive :)

Well, it's been a couple weeks since i've posted here, but that doesnt mean my problem has gone away.

First off, thanks to those of you who have posted in regards to my previous posts. Knowing that there are people out there who understand is of great comfort. Also, knowing there is a place where I can come and express my feelings, fears, and problems, and glean some insight is of equal comfort.

Now then, my problem hasn't gone away. For you who do not know, I have OCD based on sexual orientation fears...or more to the point, not knowing if I am gay, straight, or bi. Not knowing is the horrible part of it, and because of this, when I get thoughts in my head, I feel like I have to repeat them in order to "turn them off" because if I dont, it feels like things won't be normal, or I feel like I may be gay, or that my fears are true.

If you have read the post by DontFeel2Good, he and I share a similar phobia, luckily for him, he has found some peace at last (great job!).

The difference between our two situations, however, is that i can look at a guy, and to me he is good looking. I see facial features, bodily features (strong build, thin) and it seems that when I look at a guy, it's almost like I can tell what kind of person he is (without even knowing them). Just from the expressions on their face, or the way they move, talk, and their mannerisms. If they are good looking with a kind face, kind eyes, it's almost like I can tell if they are a mild mannered, calm person, or a nice guy, or if they seem to be arrogant, rude, or just not nice. At least in my mind this is how I picture them anyway.

The problem with me is that I take the physical looks, and what I perceive their demeanor to be and I get this little twinge in my stomach, or a feeling of "good" in my body, and this feeling (whatever it is), is what I cannot make heads or tails of. I don't know if what I am feeling is a physical/sexual/emotional attraction for this person, or merely an admiration, or a feeling like "he is a neat/good guy".

If I find a guy good looking or attractive, or even sexually appealing, or if I feel that "twinge" when I look at them, does this mean I am gay? Do other, heterosexual, guys have these feelings or thoughts? Is it normal?

I often wonder if it is an attraction to that person, or if it really just my wishing I could be like that person (smart, good looking, funny, quick witted).

All of these things are what seemingly drive my OCD, and it's almost like my OCD, in return, drives these feelings/unwanted thoughts.

The combination of a guy being good looking as well as smart, funny, and an all around "nice guy" has some effect on me, and trying to decipher what that effect means is really bothersome.

I know that resisting the urge to repeat these thoughts is one of the ways to combat OCD. Recently, for instance, I was going through some of my thought processes, eventually, I sort of half way finished my repetitive thoughts and just left it at that, but then the feeling that if I didn't finish them fully and perfectly, then my fears would be true, or that I may never find the correct answer, have set in, and one of my other fears, is that I wouldn't be smart, or wouldnt be able to solve problems on the job. It's almost like if I didnt finish the thoughts, that I would become dumb, or not able to think clearly, or when on the job, be able to solve obvious problems.

I work around some people who are seemingly smart, or have common sense. If there is a problem, they seem to be able to work through the problem more easily, like they think of the most obvious thing first. It's like they are quick to pick up on things, and i fear that if I don't finish my rituals, that I won't be able to be like that.

So then, what I end up doing is, when some unwanted thought pops into my head, I have to imagine things, like a naked man, or his genitals, or having sex with him, things of that nature, and I do this to see how it makes me feel. The problem is that I have to repeat these images a certain number of times, exactly the same image, no variation, each time in order to finish the thought or turn it "off", or be done. If, when I think of these things, if I don't feel grossed out or turned off by it, then I start to feel uncomfortable and I have to continue obsessing until I get the desired "feeling". The problem is, if I get that "twinge" in my belly (hard to describe the "twinge", I guess imagine the feeling you get when you take a deep breath, you get this relaxed/good feeling in your belly, or something in your chest "tweaks"), then I feel that may be a sign of "I like it" or acceptance or some such. Then I start the process over again of imagining one of these sexual images and then going "eww!" and trying to make myself feel that way.

Whew! I don't know, but I think I may be confusing everyone...I guess I just am trying to clearly describe the exactness of what i am feeling, also, it seems to give me some peace to be able to just "let it all out"...so to speak.

Anyhow, I have tried looking at/watching gay porn, to try to see what I feel. Sometimes I get that 'twinge" when I watch it, but again, don't know what that means. Sometimes when I watch it, I think maybe I like it or am becoming aroused, but I dont know if im being aroused by seeing to guys having sex...or just that a sexual act is taking place, and thinking of how it feels to have sex. And when I look at them, if they are good looking guys, the unsure feeling comes back, not knowing if I am just noticing a good looking guy, or something more than that.

When I look at a mans body, it's almost like i'm not looking at his body, but picturing his face (again, the "good looking" thing), but I cannot be sure.

If I imagine a naked man and I feel indifferent, it's not good enough for me, I have to feel turned off or grossed out or "eww!"

Sometimes, however, if I just stop trying to force a certain feeling, it's almost like I can think of it and feel like I would not really like doing that, or it just doesnt interest me, or I would be grossed out by it, but I cannot be 100% sure of that.

When I imagine myself in sexual situation with another man, it's like I am seeing that person for who he is, and when I put the sexual act and this persons persona (attitude, nature, looks, "nice guy") together, I dont know if I am enjoying the act that I am imagining, or just thinking about the person himself.

Wow this post, like my OCD, is spiraling out of control! Someone get some Prozac for this post!!!

Anyway, having all of these feelings, uncertainties, and just not being able to find an answer is really annoying. I'm not sure of the difference between the love you would feel for a mate, and the love you would feel for a friend. Is there a difference in what you "feel"? Is the love for a mate the exact same as the love for a friend in what you "feel" just minus the sexual desire? Is it natural to find members of the same sex attractive or good looking? I don't know if I find other guys "sexy" or not (again, good looking, good build etc, not sure if I find them sexy or just attractive/good looking), but if so, is it normal for a guy to find another guy to be "sexy", and not be sexually attracted to them?

One thing that I did realize the other day. I have a friend from high school, who was married, had kids, then sometime during his marriage, and in his 30's, he realized he was gay. He got divorced and I guess he started a relation with another man. Sometime after high school, I fell out of touch with this guy and haven't had contact with him since. I did, however, talk to another friend from high school who told me that this guy had recently had a break up with his boyfriend, and was pretty broken up about it.

When I heard this, I tried to picture myself in that situation, being broken up if I had a boyfriend leave me, and it just didnt feel "right". Almost kinda weird and somewhat childish. Something was strange...or different about it, almost like being in that situation would feel wrong, or maybe just different, I dont know.

I am still attracted to women, think they are beautiful and sexy, and I still like to have intimate ecounters with them. When I look at a guy, nice body, muscular chest, or a guy in shorts, good tan, nice tone, good looking guy, I dont know what to make of that. Am I gay/bi? Or am I just admiring a good body?

what does it all mean?

Anyway, i'm going to end this post. I'm sorry if you read the whole thing. If you did, you just completed the "Glimpse into the mind of a nutbar 101!" course!

I would really like to hear from some of you guys out there that have no issues with your sexual identity. I would like to know what you feel when you look at other guys who are good looking, do you think other guys are good looking?, or what you feel when you are with a friend. It may help me to sort out some of these issues I am going through if I just knew what others are feeling, and what the norm is.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on and on, I really am

also...ive often wondered if I should just go ahead an have a homosexual activity, just to see once and for all how it makes me feel, but then i dont know if that would be right or wrong, or if it would be the best way to approach it. i'm also afraid i would start the thought process on whatever I felt of the outcome.

any input? would that be the final answer i'm looking for or would it just lead to more problems?

any advice or input?

gaston....just want you to know that i have read your posts and care......i promist to respond more when i can....i'm going out of town for the day and evening......but i truly think that if you got your ocd under control either by meds or therapy or both...all these thoughts of homosexuality would subside......sounds simple but i know its not....take care...talk soon....love jul