[wookiegoldfur]

I grew up in a household with alcoholic and moderately abusive parents. They weren't physically or verbally abusive to me, but they were toward each other. It was an emotionally neglectful childhood and very manipulative. I have since moved out (3 year ago) and have deal with severe ancxiety and depression because of it. I'm finally ins good place and don't have nearly as much mental/emotional struggle. 6months ago I started dated my coworker who was an active pot smoker. I hated it but I really liked him. I dealt with it because it was what made him comfortable with his anxiety and depression. Whwnever he did smoke around me id visibly get upset and start to have a kot of anxiety. I was anxious often necause he smoked often. It was the hardest part of the relationship. About 6+ weeks ago he had to quit smoking for employment reasons. It was quite a battle to get him to that point. He had several meltdowns and thought he'd end up homeless or hurt himself. He was self destructive and so angry st him parents and himself for putting him in this situation (him smoking in the first place and everyone he loves telling him to stop). I stood by him through it all, even though it was hard for me to. I even old him that I'd still stick with him if he refused to quit smoking, but I'd rather he did because I knew it was not helping him. Since then he has changed so much. He appears a lot more stable and he listens tonme when I try to calm him down. He is learning from his therapist and me and seems happier. The reason I'm writing this is because his best friends are flying in to see him. They are active party people and smokers. He told me he may party and smoke with them because they'll want to. I started feeling so anxious and shut down again. I don't know why I react that way and it !takes me feel horrible. I support him no matter what. He said he now sees marijuana as a social occasional recreational substance, and not a treatment for him mental health like he did only 6 weeks ago. He wants me to meet his friends and potentially hang out for a little bit but I really don't want to if they'll be drinking and smoking. I'd like to be left out of it because it causes that much anxiety. I will do it for him, but I don't want to meet them if it were my choice. He may not smoke when they come because he failed him drug test again. Which is understandable after smoking several times a day for 6 years straight. His employer was working with him on cleansing. He should be able to keep his job and try again (hopefully). But Im anxious that he'll smoke anyway. Ugh. I hate reacting this way I wish I could stop. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a prude and I know its because of the say I was raised.

Hi wookie...

It is not prudish to have standards. I'm sorry it gives you anxiety and perhaps it would be better for you if you ask him not to mention the fact that he "might" smoke with them since you choose not to go.

Anxiety isn't easy to control. You can limit your exposure to what causes anxiety, though.

Don't do anything "for him" if it's unhealthy for you.

[wookiegoldfur]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Hi wookie...

It is not prudish to have standards. I'm sorry it gives you anxiety and perhaps it would be better for you if you ask him not to mention the fact that he "might" smoke with them since you choose not to go.

Anxiety isn't easy to control. You can limit your exposure to what causes anxiety, though.

Don't do anything "for him" if it's unhealthy for you.

I know it causes me anxiety because it makes feel the way I used to when I was living with my dad and step mom who were alcoholics. So substances are a constant reminder of that not so pleasant part of my life. I understand the benefits marijuana has for people, and I respect people's choices to smoke when it's genuinely beneficial for medical reasons. And specifically CBD use. Not for THC.

I'm willing to meet his friends if that's what he'd like. Because if I asked for him to meet mine and he said no, I'd be really bummed. I don't want to do that to him. But I will not hangout with them. Not just because of the substance use, but I also have social anxiety so it'd suck for me. I will be straightforward with my boyfriend if it does come to that point of him asking me to chill with them. I will remind him how I feel about the drug and alcohol use and he should respect it. He knows why I'm so bothered. I'd hope it won't be a problem.

I just wish I didn't react so badly to marijuana and alcohol in the first place. It's a constant struggle because it's unavoidable. Especially in my state (Oregon) where people live and breathe brews and everything marijuana.

I think that limiting your exposure to whatever causes you anxiety does give you a small measure of control. We need that...Otherwise it's a vicious cycle.

Remember that it's empowering to make a decision. Mistakes are inevitable in life, but learning from them and not beating yourself up is what matters.

I also wish that I could deal with things better than I do, but we both have to know that we're doing our best right now. I am glad you're comfortable with your decision! Yaaayyy!!!

While I personally have no problem with marijuana, I do have a problem with people not respecting the ethics of others - especially when they are in a relationship. While his offer to include you seems to be a concession on his part, if you strongly feel it is inappropriate he should take heed of that. Frankly, it sounds like peer pressure. Sit him down and express that to him.

If you were to insert any other word for putting your foot down about marijuana use being inappropriate in the relationship (ie. porn, drinking, gambling, abuse) this would be a deal breaker I'm sure.

[*Laurie*]

I admire your standards, wookie, and encourage you to set boundaries that are healthy for you to keep.