[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Any words from someone who understands the shame of not being able to stand up for yourself would be dearly appreciated, as I am feeling completely alone.

[Travelinglady]

I've been there, so I understand.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Thanks, Travelling Lady. I'm not sure why that helps so much, but it does.

I'm between therapists and with no meds right now, and dealing with (or, not dealing with) a hostile situation in my workplace, so I feel very exposed.

It's the same thing that I've always struggled with - an angry boss exposing the lack of defences I've built up.

A bullying boss reduces me immediately to the small-child-in-front-of-a-violent-father that I once was. It's horrible having to go back into it tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

I understand too. I've gotten better at standing up for myself in the last five or so years, but the vast majority of my life has been spent wallowing in what I see as my many weaknesses, including the inability to speak up for myself, and not let people walk all over me.

I definitely hear you, Purple.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Thanks, Bjornen. I thought I'd improved, but a change in my work situation has left me struggling again. Over the years, I have (not very healthily) put a lot of energy into charming, disarming (or even seducing) angry superiors, in order to make me feel safe. All my tricks are failing me, and I'm ashamed to realise I have as few defences now as when I first escaped home.

Thank you.

[Sunflower123]

Can this be worked out between you and your boss if you both discuss it diplomatically? Can you go to therapy for support and to build coping skills? If it gets out of hand, you could go to Human Resources or over your boss's head. Good luck in resolving this.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Thank you, Jennifer. It sounds like the sensible thing to do - contact HR - and it's the advice I'd give a friend.

Unfortunately, it's a rather evil company (there seems to be a lot of them around these days). How can I explain it to someone who has only worked for decent employers? Senior management don't just ignore bullying behaviour, they instigate it. They're constantly coming up with new tricks to squeeze more work out of fewer employees. One of the things they have to do is blame staff members when (because of the staff numbers being slashed) targets aren't being met. It's one of the reasons my boss is angry, because of all the pressure.

Speaking diplomatically to my boss? I can't really process that scenario at the moment.

It's something I've done in the past (extremely difficult for me... I almost had a heart attack), but the work relationship afterwards was pretty miserable. She loathed me for the things I'd said.

I'm going to give everything some thought. Joining this forum is giving me a new way of looking at things. I had been completely blaming myself and drowning in self-disgust (because of my terrified reaction to anger), but there might be other ways of seeing things.

Thank you for your kindness.