[MtnTime2896]

So, I'm going on a trip in a little over four hours. I'm pretty much all packed, save the laptop I'm currently using, and am in a house full of sleeping friends who I'm going with. Originally, I wasn't going to go (much for the same reason I'm unable to sleep tonight). My friends told me that it might be good for me and my T did, too. So, I brought it up with my fiance and he also said I should go. So, everyone thinks it's a good idea.

This is the second trip I've gone on where I'm going to be unfamiliar with the landscape. Even with the first one, I'd at least been through the city a few times on the way to my grandpa's. Regardless, during the first one I was on edge and kept seeing repeated images of myself and the others in a bad car wreck. Well, it seems to be happening again. I keep seeing the worst possible outcomes over and over and over again.

I'm also dealing with something else. I have PTSD and issues with dissociation, I also have issues with hallucinations and paranoia. Lately, all of these issues have been worse, much worse. When all of it gets too overwhelming I go into this weird state where I can't remember anything, not even my name. When it doesn't get to that extreme, I just end up really confused with what's real or not.

Needless to say, I'm very anxious about this trip. Only one of these friends knows close to the full extent of my mental health issues. The others know I hallucinate a little, have PTSD and depression. They don't know about the dissociation which is usually okay because I trust the one who takes control, it's just that I don't want these other friends to know about this issue. I don't even want to know about it, let alone everyone else. What if I dissociate in front of them and they find out? What if they see me have a flashback (again) and this time they won't be able to calm me down? What if these images in my head are actually real (not anxiety) and it's actually going to happen?

Sorry, I'm probably just really anxious. Does anyone else get like this before a trip?

I can relate to being anxious/unable to sleep prior to any big day (first day on the job, night before any big trip, et.) but not PTSD, dissociation, and hallucinations.

It's OK if your other friends find out about your issues--maybe this would be a blessing! That you do not want to burden anyone with your issues makes your burden that much harder. Maybe working on opening up to more of your IRL friends would be helpful. You need all the help you can get and your friends probably want to help!

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks Hoping. I don't know if it'd be a good thing. On one hand, keeping everything hidden from them and a secret really weighs heavy on me and further stresses me out (especially now that we all pretty much live together and I'm around them all of the time, makes hiding this whole other life about me nearly impossible, and they just recently found out about the hallucinations because it slipped one night when I was drinking), so them knowing might help relieve that stress. On the other hand, I already feel vulnerable enough now that they know about the hallucinations and have actually seen one of my flashbacks. I really do consider myself a pretty private person so them knowing what they know makes me feel exposed. I'm not sure if I can handle anymore big reveals from my psyche to them. Or maybe I've just been hiding my issues for so long that I can't hardly break the habit. I mean, they didn't even know I had anxiety a year ago, it sucked but I hid it that good. I still hide it well, they just know I have it, doesn't mean they get to see it. I can't get it out of my head that showing people these things is like showing them an old injury they could use against me later in a fight or something. I don't know if that makes sense but, yeah....

Sometimes hiding our issues all the time for a very long time in order to be strong and what people expect (rather than just being ourselves) can really backfire. We can even begin believing what we are trying to be and lose contact with our authentic self. I wonder if dissociation is an extreme form of this? I know you have had be be strong for your mother, brother, nephews, friends... It's OK to be weak sometimes. And how private to be is a real judgement call--perhaps you are "private" because of your dad's anger issues--I know introverts are more private than extroverts so maybe you DO need privacy--I am such an extrovert that introverted people probably would recoil at how open I can be sometimes--but in your case, try to figure out if you need to be private is because you just want to or if you are private because your childhood has made you afraid to be yourself. I don't know if this makes sense--perhaps your situation is so different than mine but just some thoughts based on my experiences...