[no_peep_outa_me]

Have you ever had someone ask for a heart-to-heart, a chance to "share" their feelings? And then, when you walked away, you felt as if a garbage truck had been unloaded on your chest?

I mean, there's positive sharing, where each party takes responsibility for their own feelings and actions. But what about when someone tries to give you responsibility for their issues?

There's a situation at work that's causing me anxiety. I've been living with the dread, the knotted stomach, the bouts of sleeplessness and utter angst. I doubt that I would be feeling such anxiety if I didn't absolutely adore this coworker.

We've been working on a big project. She's a self-proclaimed procrastinator. So, I wasn't surprised when weeks went by and things remained undone. No problem, no complaints: I would bring us up to speed.

Then the resentment set in. She came to me one day, saying she had been feeling angry. She thought our deadlines should be relaxed so she would have a chance. (She helped set the deadlines.) And while she was talking, she told me she's jealous of me. I mean, I'm good at my job, but a fairy-tale life I do not lead. She said she resents me because people like me. How am I supposed to respond to that? I was understanding and offered help. I compromised all over the place. She didn't. Not a single "I'll try harder or sooner."

Since our conversation, I've felt shaken. Now my performance is suffering. And the strange thing is: I honestly don't feel anxious about the project or the job. I think my feelings have been hijacked by hers. I keep trying to separate the emotions out: This is mine and I'll own it; This is hers to do with what she wants. But, the anxiety persists.

Any advice? I'm willing to help. I can't "fix" another person's feelings though. In the meantime, I'm trying to shake the anxious aftermath.

[Perna]

Some of the feelings you have sound like projection to me; she's been treating you pretty shoddy, not helping and dumping on you like you say. I don't hear you letting her know she can't do that to you! She's way over your boundaries and you're acting like a doormat. I think you need to find that hurt, anger and disappointment in her behavior and let her know it is not acceptable to you.

[AAAAA]

I'm with Perna, you need to stand up for yourself. In my case I had had enough and in anger screamed "generally speaking when someone does you a favor you say thank you, not complain." It turned out really good in my case, he apologized and we got along great after that. I think the difference here was he was dealing with personal issues and just short tempered at work for a period of time.

Your co-worker took advantage of you! You can be more polite than myself, but let her know that you will not take this anymore.

[no_peep_outa_me]

Thanks for the advice, Perna. You're absolutely right. I think I've been fighting the urge to face the reality of this situation. I am angry and disappointed. I'm not having trouble keeping up or meeting my obligations. She is.

The bottom line is that the project must be done and on time. A lot of people are depending on us. She either needs to step up and do her job, or quit reaming everyone else out when they have to step in and do it for her.

I feel so much better now. Thanks for helping me separate the emotions out!

[no_peep_outa_me]

AAAAA, I'm definitely tired of walking on egg shells, tiptoeing around this coworker. I may use your line ("Generally speaking when someone does you a favor you say thank you, not complain.") on her sometime very soon. ; )

After her talk about how she doesn't "get the chance" to complete tasks, she blew off a meeting that she scheduled for her part of the project. I had to step in and handle it, again. Her response? "Oh [expletive]!" My response? "Oh [expletive] is right!" She absolutely knows she's screwing up; there's no avoiding the last offense. And -- surprise -- I'm not accepting the excuses or blame anymore! God, it feels good to say that!

Thanks for your help! <big hug>

[AAAAA]

I'm so glad to hear that no_peep_outa_me! Good for you! Don't let anyone walk on you. You sound considerate, helpful, and kind don't let people take advantage of that and make you miserable!

I'm so proud!

[Perna]

Can't you take over the project, due to her incompetence? I would suggest it to her, the powers-that-be, etc. and point out 4-5 glaring errors on her part. You need to go over her head to save your own sanity!

[EJ711]

I worked in a similar situation. The person who was messing up was very manipulative, and had a lot of personal power with our manager. It was a very messy situation.

EJ