[jesyka]

Hi, I'm new to this site. I suffer from social phobia, panic attacks (hardly occurs anymore thankfully, but they can be triggered by certain things), and general anxiety disorder that I'm on meds for. This situation with a friend has made my anxiety worse, especially around her.

Anyways, I have this friend who I mostly hand out with in a group of two other women. If it helps, they're in their 50's and I'm in my 40's. They all work out and none of them are overweight. I am though.

The other two ladies have never made me feel uncomfortable. However, the lady who is a fitness instructor and they thinnest woman in the group makes me feel that she is constantly making me feel as if she's judging me. She is a heath nut and she picks at her food when we go out to eat. She thinks she's 'fat' as her stomach isn't as flat as she'd like it to be. She's tiny as a size XS!

She never treated me like this at first. So I don't get why she'd rudely look at me up and down from head to toe in the group! It's rude! I never once asked her why she did that. I did look at her funny at few times after trying to ignore her at first, but she STILL kept on doing it every single time without fail no matter what I was wearing!

I don't look odd. I dress nice I've been told. The other two women never noticed her doing that they said when I asked them about things. They just told me that maybe she likes what I'm wearing.

If that was the case, why wouldn't she just tell me that instead of making me feel uncomfortable? She doesn't seem to have any mental health issues that'd explain her behaviour a little. She is married and I don't think that she's into women either. Not that I have an issue with that as I'm not homophobic.

What's worse is that they ALL know that I used to be bullimic! So wouldn't she know better at her age to do this to a friend knowing how self conscious I am about my weight? I don't wear revealing clothing and I cover up all the time. too.

She has made things worse by posting a lot of memes about weight gain and fat images in our group texts. I ignored most of them as they're not funny to me. The other two women thought they were funny.

What does it mean when people look you up and down and not say anything or smile when they do that? That's happened to me with a few guys before, but I'm fat and ugly, so they were probably judging me and not checking me out. Especially since they did it with stern serious face.

Should I say anything to her? If so, what? How would you guys handle that if a friend or someone else did that to you?

Why would my friend do this to me? What's ironic is that she used to be as fat as I am after she got pregnant, but she managed to loose the weight She seems a bit judgmental and mean too as she sometimes complains about how fat her husband is and how his belly keeps on getting bigger since he won't stop eating junk food. I'd really appreciate any insight and responses into this.

[Mountaindewed]

People are just assholes. I had the same problem too when I was overweight. With people looking at me up and down. She could really like what you are wearing though too. But yeah I know how you feel. If it continues say something but, like calmly and thought out. Tell her how you feel and how your feelings are hurt by what she’s doing, but you really like having her as a friend.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by jesyka

However, the lady who is a fitness instructor and they thinnest woman in the group. She thinks she's 'fat' as her stomach isn't as flat as she'd like it to be. She's tiny as a size XS!

She never treated me like this at first.

What's worse is that they ALL know that I used to be bullimic!

She .. posting a lot of memes about weight gain and fat images in our group texts. The other two women thought they were funny.

Should I say anything to her?

She complains about how fat her husband is and how his belly keeps on getting bigger since he won't stop eating junk food.

I'm thinking she may have Body Dysmorphic disorder. If she believes she's "fat" in an XS is a distorted view of self, IMO. She may very well have a food sensitivity that's causing mild water retention.. not a fat issue.

Her career choice. Her "fat" memes and "fat" comments about her husband. Her picky eating and repeated judgments against you.. this DOES seem like mental health to me.

She IS judging you. I believe your weight is bothersome to her. HER weight is bothersome to her. Everyone's weight is. The problem is HER. It's not you and I really DOUBT you're as "fat" and "ugly" as she's making you feel.

I would definitely say something. She's your "friend" afterall, and good friends have healthy boundaries. I'd say something to the GROUP, as I feel they've all been insensitive towards you. They've minimized your concerns and having you believe your interpretation of this is all in your head. If someone liked our outfit, I can guarantee you, we'd KNOW about it. Isn't this a form of gaslighting? I don't suspect they realize, though.

I don't think "fat" memes are funny AT ALL. It's hurtful, judgemental, bully-like, and disrespectful to be doing this to a STRANGER.. let alone, a FRIEND who suffered from an eating disorder. They ALL need Sensitivity Training. Where's their compassion and empathy? Of COURSE it would feed into your anxieties and self doubt. You are HUMAN.

What should you say?

"I would like for all the "fat" comments and memes to stop. I find it very judgmental and degrading to others. Lets instead remember that beautiful people come in all shapes and sizes. We all have strengths and areas we need to address, and as good friends, we can motivate each other and be supportive. I care about you all and this issue is problematic for me as I don't find it to be kind. Please respect my wishes."

.... or something rather.

I'd then pay close attention to how they respond to this boundary. If they can't, ditch them all.

I'm sorry you're going through that. That's horrible. They're suppose to be your friends.

[Travelinglady]

Shame on that friend. It does sound like she has an obsession, Have you tried telling her you are happy with the way you are--and for her to get over her need to judge?

[possum220]

She might have body issues herself but that makes her actions worse. Next time she starts looking you up and down or oddly nip it in the bud. Ask her then and there why she is looking at you like that? Or Is there something you want to tell me? Tell her it makes you feel really bad and hurts you. Tell her if you wanted any advice that you would ask some-one else for help.

She isn't being a friend. Friends do not do that.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

People are just assholes. I had the same problem too when I was overweight. With people looking at me up and down. She could really like what you are wearing though too. But yeah I know how you feel. If it continues say something but, like calmly and thought out. Tell her how you feel and how your feelings are hurt by what she’s doing, but you really like having her as a friend.

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True! I'm sorry to hear that you had the same problem. How would you react to people when they did that to you? I'm afraid that she'll get mad at me and tell me that she was just admiring what I was wearing and then tell the other two women that I'm crazy.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by MsLady

I'm thinking she may have Body Dysmorphic disorder. If she believes she's "fat" in an XS is a distorted view of self, IMO. She may very well have a food sensitivity that's causing mild water retention.. not a fat issue.

Her career choice. Her "fat" memes and "fat" comments about her husband. Her picky eating and repeated judgments against you.. this DOES seem like mental health to me.

She IS judging you. I believe your weight is bothersome to her. HER weight is bothersome to her. Everyone's weight is. The problem is HER. It's not you and I really DOUBT you're as "fat" and "ugly" as she's making you feel.

I would definitely say something. She's your "friend" afterall, and good friends have healthy boundaries. I'd say something to the GROUP, as I feel they've all been insensitive towards you. They've minimized your concerns and having you believe your interpretation of this is all in your head. If someone liked our outfit, I can guarantee you, we'd KNOW about it. Isn't this a form of gaslighting? I don't suspect they realize, though.

I don't think "fat" memes are funny AT ALL. It's hurtful, judgemental, bully-like, and disrespectful to be doing this to a STRANGER.. let alone, a FRIEND who suffered from an eating disorder. They ALL need Sensitivity Training. Where's their compassion and empathy? Of COURSE it would feed into your anxieties and self doubt. You are HUMAN.

What should you say?

"I would like for all the "fat" comments and memes to stop. I find it very judgmental and degrading to others. Lets instead remember that beautiful people come in all shapes and sizes. We all have strengths and areas we need to address, and as good friends, we can motivate each other and be supportive. I care about you all and this issue is problematic for me as I don't find it to be kind. Please respect my wishes."

.... or something rather.

I'd then pay close attention to how they respond to this boundary. If they can't, ditch them all.

I'm sorry you're going through that. That's horrible. They're suppose to be your friends.

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Hi, I agree with everything that you said! You're probably right about every point that you made. I do think that she has issues with her weight and other peoples weight.

The funny thing is that she has not done this to the two other women in the group. She actually complimented one other lady about how buff she is and that she's cute. Not the other one though who struggles with her weight too.

The other woman who is normal sized used to be overweight when she was younger and now she is also a size 12, but she doesn't have a gut like I do since she works out, or maybe has better genes, idk.

Why would she do this to me only? As for the other women, I think that maybe they don't want to get involved or they don't care, so they're maybe trying to tell me that I'm misinterpreting things like you said.

What's worse, is that maybe they agree with what she's doing and they think that I'm to fat and that I need to be shamed into loosing weight. Ironically, this woman used to have a gorgeous friend who'd comment on her weight and tell her that she's not as pretty as her, so you'd think she would be more sensitive to this kind of thing.

She stopped talking to that woman and stopped being her friend after awhile. She might deny things and tell me that she's just looking at my outfit, but if she was admiring my outfit, she'd probably say something like you said.

How should I bring this up without making her defensive? I was thinking I could call her out by telling her in the group something like this: "Why are you looking at me up and down? What's wrong, did I spill something on my clothes? lol.

Do you or anyone else have any good suggestions to offer me? She might have body issues like you said as well. She's tiny at 5'3 and 123lbs., but I thought that she was under 110lbs. before. She has muscle, but she's not bulky. And you're right, the fat memes and jokes are rude. The fact that the other women laugh at them isn't OK either.

I forgot to mention that one time I did let her know that I didn't appreciate her remarks when we all went out to Christmas dinner and I ordered an app to share with all four of us and one appetizer for me that was corn and an entree.

She then said that's a lot of food to order. I reminded her it's not all for me. I then said it's Christmas dinner, can we not worry about calories now? The other women said nothing.

Then she told me she was joking, right! I think that's how shell react to me if I say anything, deny things.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Shame on that friend. It does sound like she has an obsession, Have you tried telling her you are happy with the way you are--and for her to get over her need to judge?

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No, I haven't. I think I'll have to go to the extreme and tell her that she caused me to throw up again if she doesn't cut this **** out soon! And the other women to to make them all feel ashamed and guilty!

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by possum220

She might have body issues herself but that makes her actions worse. Next time she starts looking you up and down or oddly nip it in the bud. Ask her then and there why she is looking at you like that? Or Is there something you want to tell me? Tell her it makes you feel really bad and hurts you. Tell her if you wanted any advice that you would ask some-one else for help.

She isn't being a friend. Friends do not do that.

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She probably does. I'll say something next time to that effect and flat out ask her that in front of the other two women.

I'm sick of her crap and judgmental attitude! She'll probably deny things like she did last year during Xmas. She rudely told me that I ordered to much food for Xmas diner.

One appetizer was for the whole group! No one even thanked me for offering to pay for it! I then ordered one light app for myself. None of them knew how small the portions there are, and it was Xmas!

I knew though as I went there before. I then told her that it's Xmas dinner and that calories shouldn't count and that one app is for everyone to share and not just for me.

She then told me that she was just joking, right!