Good enough?

I was nervous to post this, but here goes.

I'm not sure if what I'm going through is anxiety or depression. It seems like every night before I go to bed, my mind tries to evaluate if I "did good enough" today. So if I get a little bit of work done, I berate myself for not cleaning the house. Or if I do some tidying, I get mad at myself for not getting more real work done. I think it's ingrained in me to do this. It's like before I go to sleep, I have to punish myself.

Many years ago, when I went by my folks house for a visit, I saw my mother doing her version of the same thing--making a list at night, and complaining about all she didn't get done. I realized then after seeing her that I have been hardwired to be really hard on myself . This is my default setting, I guess.

If I got 2 things done today, some people would say that's good. I'm thinking about the other 15 that still aren't done. This happens almost every night. And heaven forbid I actually try to find something FUN to do! Then I feel guilty for wasting my time--like it's a priceless commodity, and how dare I don't make the most of it!

It's like the inner part of me doesn't believe that I'm doing as much as I should--unless I get like 10 things done. That was my only value as a kid growing up--being a productivity machine. If I really tried to persuade myself that I was doing good enough, I'd get mad at myself. You'd probably laugh if you heard that conversation--nice me pleading with angry me. A gestalt therapist would have loads of fun with that!

I'm still trying to figure this out.
Thanks for reading this.

I wonder if you got 10 things done regularly if you would start expecting to get 11 and 12 things done. It is interesting how we can have expectations of how productive we should be and judge it every day. Some days get sidetracked and some tasks take longer than expected. Chasing perfect days is tough.

I struggle with this too. Most days I feel I don't do enough. I don't accomplish enough each year. There is always something I should have done already. Why haven't I done it? This mindset ruins my self-acceptance because I am never satisfied with myself. I never feel I am 'whole'.

I want to learn to accept my results every day and not judge myself harshly. The punishment and guilt takes some of the enjoyment out of living, doesn't it? Instead of chasing perfect days, I think every day happens perfectly for that particular day and should be accepted without punishment or blame.

You definitely do this because you learned it from your mother. You should deprogram yourself. A good therapist should know how to.

I picked up different bad habits from my mother. Accomplishments was surely not one of those habits.

Thank you Yzen and TishaBuv!

I appreciate your support! It helps to know that other folks have some of these concerns, too. And that our mothers have long-lasting effects on us, whatever those habits are. I've started the process of looking for a new therapist in my town.

I had a more "relaxing" day today. I'm trying hard to just accept that it's okay to have a day off and have a good day.

Hugs to you both--
Scarlet