[ocdandme]

Any time I deal with people outside my family and usually within my family, I am conflicted because I want to communicate with comfort and ease, but I feel distinctly uneasy. In the back of my mind is worry about my performance in the social situation. The question, "How am I doing?" far outweighs my focus on the subject. OCD thoughts soothe my mind in a way but create frustration with the monotony in my head.

Much of my life is like an out of body experience. I direct myself to get through most conversations and exposure in public with the goal of being accepted. This was horrifying at times when I was growing up. My only memories of childhood involve incredible fear: age five or six-praying that my mother and I would die at the same moment of precisely the same comfortable cause, so that I would never be without her.... Fear of my brothers dying when playing down the street, praying that God would bring them home safely..... Fear of my brother going to middle school and leaving me in elementary school alone, where I was already frightened and picked on..... Overwhelming fear of school when we moved. I was 12 years old, crying in school, having to be taken out and seen by guidance counselor, then my first psychiatrist.
I am convinced that by the end of middle school, an important part of me was broken or dead. I remained fearful in high school, wanting to be protected by the approval of others but definitely preferring to avoid them. I was an emotional parasite with girlfriends, never feeling loved enough, always wanting more.
I bombed high school and have spent the last 23 years functioning enough to pay my bills. Little inside me has changed.

In daily interaction, I have learned to fake it with varying success, but I invariably come away feeling uneasy at best. I worry over the words exchanged, and I agonize that I am not liked enough.
I am convinced that I am not liked as well as the average person. My natural shyness is unattractive. I am deeply uncomfortable in social situations still, and I want more than anything to live apart from the excitement and threat of the outside world.
I believe in my core that happiness is out of reach because it takes a full-time living of an out of body experience to show a hint of a result. A life committed to acting like other people and hurting is unacceptable. I really did try to be happy and worked my butt off to push myself through difficult situations for years, even taking a field service job to force myself to deal with others. I never felt anything but isolation. Now I am tired, cynical and unmotivated. I am resentful.
I am 41 years old, and the best anyone can tell me to feel better is think different thoughts. My dread of daily life is not even connected to conscious thoughts anymore. It is ingrained and instinctive.
I am taking Prozac and Wellbutrin. Does CBT stand a chance?

[sabby]

Hi ocdandme and Welcome to PC.

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is for you right now. I'm very sorry you are having to go through these difficulties.

As far as CBT goes, I say why couldn't it help? If you go into it with as much of a positive attitude that you can muster up and really work within the program, then there is always a chance that you could learn something and apply it to your situation. I truly hope that if you agree to CBT, that you do find something within it that works for you.

I don't suffer from ocd, so it is hard for me to really understand what it's like. But I do empathize with what you are going through and dealing with.

I do so hope you find some ways to help yourself to feel better and find some happiness and peace if not with the outside world, then from within yourself.

Take good care of YOU!


sabby

[ocdandme]

Thank you for your reply and your good wishes, Sabby.

[sabby]

You are most welcome....please let us know what you decide to do about the CBT. Have you done any research on it? Here are some links you may be interested in -

OCD Link

CBT

If you haven't seen these yet, I hope they help answer some questions or verify any of your thoughts about your situation.


sabby

[Perna]

Hi, ocdandme, welcome.

I identified with some of your story but probably not all of the intensity. You are married, that's a good thing isn't it?

Have you ever had regular psychotherapy over a longish period? I was afraid of my shadow and terminally shy and forever wishing the ground would open up and swallow me, etc. I'm much better after a million years of therapy with a therapist I could work well with (I'm 57).

[ocdandme]

Good information, sabby. Thank you. I borrowed this from Alexandra_k's response on the CBT thread. It describes very well the exact nature of my reservations:

CBT might not be well suited to people with trauma disorders and personality disorders (including borderline personality disorder). Some reasons for this (and also reasons that other people may struggle) include:

- The focus on cognitions, as they maintain that faulty cognitions are the typical cause of distressing emotions. The direction of causation is much disputed as there is evidence that emotions can occur in response to unconscious stimuli and when people are required to justify their emotion after some time in CBT they confabulate faulty cognitions even though their cognitions weren't playing a causal role in their emotional experience. This is more likely to be true for people with a history of trauma.
- There is also evidence that emotion can be encapsulated from cognition so that one can believe one thing and feel another. This can occur when people know the spider can't hurt them but they still feel terrified in response, for example. The person says they don't believe the spider can hurt them so cognitive restructuring is fairly pointless with respect to changing the fear response. Behaviourist techniques are likely responsible for the progress made in the case of phobia / anxiety.

A downside of CBT is that the focus on faulty cognition can be experienced as invalidating of emotion. The focus on changing faulty cognition can reinforce the belief that certain emotions are unacceptable and must be changed.

[Perna]

You talk about your mother and brothers but not your father?

[ocdandme]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
Hi, ocdandme, welcome.

I identified with some of your story but probably not all of the intensity. You are married, that's a good thing isn't it?

Have you ever had regular psychotherapy over a longish period? I was afraid of my shadow and terminally shy and forever wishing the ground would open up and swallow me, etc. I'm much better after a million years of therapy with a therapist I could work well with (I'm 57).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have been to three psychiatrists, but always remained a galaxy away from whatever my emotional problem is. It is quite slippery.

I hate dealing with men too. Seriously. But working with a female pdoc or tdoc would surely create confusing thoughts of rejection, affection, etcetera.
This is a really big part of my dilemma.

[ocdandme]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
You talk about your mother and brothers but not your father?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Precisely.

[ocdandme]

Dad and did not have much of a relationship. I feared him terribly when I was very young. He was a harsh disciplinarian on my older siblings. By the time I was twelve or so Mom had calmed him down. I was sort of screwed up from anxiety and a move by then, and I used the lower security at home to comfort myself in maladaptive ways. The rest is history.

[Perna]

I would look for a good therapist, one you could work with and who wants to work with you.

I was in therapy 1978-1987 and then again with the same therapist 1996-2005. I found it extremely helpful untangling all the old stuff.

[scott88keys]

ocdandme,
I can relate with much of what you relate, although I have moved on to fairly functional relationships and don't have the severe shyness I used to as a kid. I had ocd too and I know what you mean about the thoughts just being so ingrained -- it's my "normal." The obsessive type is so difficult to treat and deal with. Have you done any reading -- books or online? The oc foundation has a good website--I believe it's ocfoundation.org. Or just google it.

My daily challenge is CBT in combatting my ocd. Most days I try to have a 'positive attitude.' But the thoughts just bear down. It's tough.

I have a really good therapist whom I trust. Why don't you seek out one? or a minister or someone? I take a whole host of meds--one is risperdal which is actually an anti-psychotic (even though I'm not) but it helps with the thought patterns.

Don't give up. Don't let ocd, or shyness, or whatever be the winner. Don't you think there's a better life out there?

[ocdandme]

Hi, Thank you very much, Scott and Perna. I wanted to reply yesterday, but had reached my limit of five posts for a newbie to the site. I am definitely going to try CBT. It was scheduled for feb 8, then I had it moved uo to Jan 28 because I was too knotted up inside to stay at work today. I give CBT a greater chance now because I believe that my Pdoc is on my side. When he could not fit me in for an earlier appointment he agreed to prescribe short-term anxiety medication, in this case clonazepam. It was and is extremely important to me to have a bridge from the overwhelming anxiety of today to the difficulty of the CBT ahead. Getting better is the most important goal I have ever had.