Friendship anxieties

I get anxious around friendships. It’s a form of social anxiety I think, but I have no problem leaving the house and talking to people, it’s closer interactions I get stressed about.

I do overthink at times, and I question myself a lot. Although I really like some people I find it hard to really believe they could like me all that much back. When they don’t reply or go quiet for a while I tend to think that it was bound to happen. It does happen quite a bit.

I do have some suspicion I have autistic traits, and social ease doesn’t come naturally to me - interactions can exhaust me. I work hard at saying the right things is the best way to describe it, while still authentically being myself as much as possible (if I’m relaxed I can go on about subjects that fascinate me and know not everyone will want to hear so I try to reign it in). I might add I am a good listener and do focus on what others are saying, in fact sometimes I can get overwhelmed by people who talk a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if friendship isn’t for me, I have written this on here before and people said that was negative thinking, but it’s what I think. I am very fond of several people but it feels stressful sometimes trying to figure out interactions.

Maybe it’s pragmatic rather than negative thinking to think maybe it isn’t for me? Do some people live perfectly content lives with no close friends and acquaintances only?

You describe what I am going through too. I wish I knew what to say to help but I am a fellow struggler with these questions and issues too. My heart goes out to you.

With this mental health baggage of mine & especially being older now, I found/find myself keeping friends at bay (in person), with communication only being Facebook & rarely phone. Because I know the conversation will turn to their job, income, marital relationship, family, kids, vacations, toys they own like cars, motorcycles, etc. All things that have pretty much been halted in my life bc of mental health. Basically I have nothing to say. While their lives kept progressing when we were in our 20's, my life got stuck there. *Sigh*

Yet I personally wouldn’t care about the lack of those ‘progressions’ for me I would be far more interested in your perspective on life/thoughts and humour.

I do hear what you’re saying though. Maybe it’s about fitting in with ones peers?

Thanks Yaowen, I appreciate you sharing your own struggles with this too, it helps me feel better understood. I hope we can both figure out what is right for us.

I wouldn't necessarily care either about "progressions". I'm a much deeper person than that. Yes fitting in with peers.

Fella, we are more or less in the same group for bad or good! I like to think that for good! 😀

First of all, and I say to you this with capital, underline letters that everybody is made to have friends. And you, of course. Beginning with the fact that you have already your best friend, your husband.

What about going first to check with a professional about you possibly being in the autism spectrum? Information is very helpful and much more if it has to do with knowledge about yourself.

Then, a psychologist can help you a lot to learn tools or techniques to deal with this negative thoughts, your unease when you don’t see a rapid respond from a friend you are very concerned with, etc, besides knowing why your fears increase as to deeper relations.
Is it because you are afraid of fail them, because you are afraid of commitment due to how much energy you have to put into social contact? Luck of trust for learning patterns, etc. These questions are not for you to answer me. 😀 They are examples of things you may consider important to treat with a psychologist.

(S)he also can help you to follow a path to repair your self-confidence and self-esteem. As you know as well as me, this is key.
Believe that you can get this last I pointed you out. I got it and I thought a damage self-esteem was impossible to repaired.

Let us know how you are going.

If you think twice before uttering out to people,I mean you deliberate in your mind first what to say or what not to,then I find this a very positive trait that you possess. A lot of relational problems arise because of rather lack of this. I too am like this.I tend to keep quiet if can't find the right words.

Yes you’re right Azul, my husband is my best friend, that’s very true, and yet I’m not anxious at all about my interactions with him.

I’m actually feeling more chilled out this last few weeks, I’m choosing not to think about why people aren’t getting back to me. I’m focusing instead on the people who are getting back to me.

Yes, I understand. You are trying to focus on something more positive than these past experiences. This is very good because people who have self-esteem issues, we tend to see only the bad that happens to us. At least, this is what happens to me. So I missed the chance to enjoy the positive things.

I’m happy you are feeling more in piece with yourself.

It’s not so easy to have true friends, and much less for us (I mean with all these social anxiety). My suggestion is not looking for friends, go ahead with acquaintances because you never know which surprise is waiting for you turn around the corner. What it may seems an acquaintances at first, with time, situations, connections may end up in a good friendship.

I don’t even know why in the Earth I’m telling you that if you know as much if not more about interactions because indeed you work face to face with the public.

Only want to support you a little.

Coming back to this rather than starting a new thread.

Today I’m thinking about someone who has inexplicably not responded to me in many months, not a close friend but a person I really liked and we’d catch up a couple of times a year. I don’t have high expectations because we’re not super close but I messaged her in July asking how she was and did she fancy meeting up? She read it but no reply.

It’s hurting me a bit now because I always liked to buy her children a little gift at Christmas Also another group I’m involved with are having a party and they asked if I’d invite her, I’m sure my face gave it away (I’m not good at hiding my emotions) and I said something about losing touch with each other. I softened it, I didn’t want to say she just didn’t answer me 6 months ago and never got back…

She’s okay btw, another friend works in same sector and says she’s fine. She’s busy definitely, full on top job and young children, but too busy to text that she’s busy

Another friend (who I thought was close) periodically doesn’t read or reply to my messages too. Idk I try to be a good friend but wondering what it is about me that this happens… I don’t message all the time (unless someone messages me).

Yes, relationships are extremely tough. I have anxiety around people and I don't enjoy being around people. People are nasty. Everywhere I've gone in my life I've been criticized because I'm not social. (I worked for USAF and all the people there were a-holes and egomaniacs.)

I think I’m unsettled generally at the moment, my work situation has been especially challenging and I notice my resilience dips when I’m stressed, so my anxiety is generally spiking.

The second friend got in touch and they’ve had a lot going on, so there’s a reason they don’t read or reply to me every time.

The other friend, well I guess Christmas is a trigger because we’d always meet up and I’d get her children gifts which I really enjoyed.

But the Christmas party went really well and no one even mentioned her not coming along and that’s reassured me.

Cool09 that sounds tough, it must be stressful if you don’t like being around people. I guess my anxiety is a little different in that I do like being around people I like but get stressed by bigger groups.

Humans are hard wired to seek connections, though it's hard to make them and keep as I get older. I've been thinking to try to be okay without close friends (except I have one, could use more) since "friends" seem to be more and more the transactional or fair weather kind. I'm exhausted making the effort all the time, only for it to fall through for whatever reason.

As far as "negative thinking", that people say, it's not. It's human and realistic. And yeah you call it pragmatic. I'm SO SICK of the push for positive thinking in this culture that I read a book, "Toxic Positivity: Keeping it real in a world obsessed with being happy" by Whitney Goodman. I'm now reading Bright-Sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has underminded America by Barbara Ehrenreich. It's so deeply ingrained in American culture it's practically mandatory, and in my opinion, a sickness.

If your car needs repairs, thinking positive will keep it from being a major one. If a storm is coming, thinking positive will stop it. If you have a biopsy, thinking positive will change the nature of the tumor and make it benign. C'mon, what BS! Gee if it were that easy, the world would be a better place. We'd all be like supernatural creatures, thinking stuff that manifests itself for real. The mindset goes back centuries and it sounds like the UK is like us, sadly.

Anyway, humans are by nature more aware of the "bad" things and remember them more because it's a survival/evolutionary trait. It's how our species survived so long. We know what not to do, not to say, etc. Our brains are wired to be wary of threats, be it real or perceived, and I think this includes insincere "friends". Though not harmful in a way as life threatening, it's a defensive mechanism to protect ourselves. We've been hurt, so we're cautious next time. I'm getting a lot out of these books, and one thing that resonated is that the feelings we call "negative" or "bad" are really just part of being human, being real.

As far ghosting, I read it's very common. Still, that doesn't make it acceptable but I get the subtle message it is acceptable. Once I found out it's not just me, and it happens to many people, I felt vindicated. It's more about them than us, and in the long run it's better to not have people like that in our lives. They lack emotional maturity and want to avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs. Technology has made it easier than ever to just cut someone off with no explanation. It's devastating to the "ghostee" and for me, it's a kind of a death. I experience the same stages and have to process it like any other loss. I mean it even starts off with "I can't believe it's true" just with a death.



Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat, and I don't know why it happens but knowing it's not you might help.

Many years ago this happened to me with someone I thought was a friend. She ghosted me, then out of the blue I hear from her years later. Though she acted like we just talked months ago and not years, I gave her a second chance and she ghosted me again. She initially kept saying she's "busy" then just stopped replying at all. I tell you, a real friend MAKES time. Being busy is a lame excuse to me, as we all get busy or have a lot of stuff on our plate at times. But it only takes literally a minute or two to RESPOND and say stuff is crazy now, will reply when things settle or something. But people don't do it.

I swear I won't give people second chances anymore! And this woman was someone I really went out on the limb for, as she needed a big favor. I gave up a lot of time for it and she drops me once the matter was taken care of.

Geez only this emoji is expressive of how I feel about "friends":

Thanks Owl, I appreciate your replies. I felt my last couple of posts weren’t replied to for a while and considering the subject matter of them it didn’t make me feel great.

Yes I agree, thinking positive is not going to change a situation, and toxic positivity is a real and unhelpful thing.

Did you see the Pixar movie Inside Out btw? Like many Pixar films it works on many levels but I saw it over the holidays and it had some smart things to say about denying true emotions - very smart.

I get it which is why I don't start threads anymore. I get the no reply thing too much in real life, I don't need it on here.

I didn't even hear of Toxic Positivity until someone posted about it on this site, in the book thread.

No I don't go to the movies so I didn't see that.

Denying or repressing emotions/feelings can cause way more harm than just acknowledging them. And labeling them: Anxious, fear, etc.

I see nothing wrong with reviving an existing thread rather than starting a new one. There's many threads on the site on the same subject which is a pet peeve of mine; I will follow just one of them. Otherwise it's redundant. And overwhelming.

Coming back to this again, I noticed the friend who periodically doesn’t get back to me and drops plans was doing this again and I made a decision to give them the same amount of attention as they’ve been giving me. Normally I’d reply in a timely fashion and be available but I started to reflect it’s been one sided for some time now and it’s not making me feel good about myself.

I actually feel better already, and I’m telling myself that I need to take this response with this friend more often. Before I would’ve felt guilty but not anymore.

I'm doing that too. I've had one sided things for years now, and it's exhausting to always be the one to keep communication GOING. Why can't they ask ME questions now and then or send me a message?? They don't even ask me how's the weather, let alone how I'M doing.

Good for you.

A lot of people are lacking in communication skills.Friends or not.I wanted to start threads on here but hesitate to do so.May be my threads won't be interesting enough for people to hop on with replies.For now I will just read and reply to threads .I too started to dump one sided relationships. Oh boy too many are falling under that category and I will be alone soon inevitably.

You initial post on this thread sure resonated with me. I almost could have written it. As early as 3rd grade, age 8, I was walking around at recess time at school by myself . . . wondering how I could connect with some other kids. I didn't feel disliked. Other kids weren't mean to me. I just didn't know what to say. I was fine at home with my siblings. But making small talk with others outside my home just was something I didn't know how to do. I saw this described very well in the DSM as a social phobia of childhood, where the child is governed by "fear of rejection" and can only relax, socially, in the company of others where there is total faith in being accepted, like with immediate family. That described me to a T. Like you, I always waited for others to initiate saying hello. I always worried that I might be intruding or bothering others, if I initiated an approach.

You come across as very socially appropriate and empathetic. Your posts are thoughful and not, in any way, tedious to read, as happens when a person is overly self-absorbed. You strike me as having plenty of social potential.

To be human is to need friendship. I don't believe that anyone can live with little social connectedness and not feel emotionally distressed. It's a basic human need. Even monks are maintained emotionally by their close integration within a community of mutual caring. So I would not advise you to give up on trying to build meaningful relationships. I was in a close relationship with my partner for 36 years. Now he is gone . . . passed away 3 years ago. I've dealt with the grief successfully. Now I mostly smile inside, when I think of him, which is a few dozen times a day. I'm so glad we had each other. However, I am now in considerable distress due to spending way too much time alone. It's not good to have all your eggs in one basket. Even if your dear husband is destined to outlive you, you need other relationships. You need them now, and you certainly need to not be left isolated, if you were to lose him. I speak from experience.

You have, perhaps, been frittering away your energy and attention on persons who are not really worthy of the investment you've made in them. You sense that yourself, and you're starting to pull back. Like you said, if I understood, you hang back and wait for others to select you. That's what I've done all my life. That's not a strategy for ending up with high-quality friends. I'm talking to myself, as much as to you. We need to start being the selectors. Just a thought.

Sorry to hear that. I often worry about friendships too. I have thankfully been able to ease up a bit. That’s only because a few people have been brutally honest with me & how I need to stop ‘chading’ people & to give them space.

I’m not suffocating, but I to find it hard to deal with social situations at times. It seems like I’m usually the one who wants & need a close friendship. Most people don’t want that or they aren’t looking for any close friends as they probably have enough close friends as it is.

Idk. I just know that they don’t really want a close friendship with me. I might be slightly autistic or have autistic traits too. I don’t understand some thins like why people constantly say things they don’t mean like I’ll text you & they never do.

It took me awhile to figure out that was a polite brush off. You’re not alone in this. Trying to make friends takes a lot of work. I think that you worry about being rejected like I do. I rately even feel comfortable with most of the friends I already haveas they could just disappear at any moment.

Thanks, a lot of what you write does resonate with me, I’m really sorry you’ve been struggling with this too and like me it sounds lifelong?

I wish I had more answers - for all of us who struggle in this way. I do appreciate what you’ve shared, and I hope that you’ve gained something too from sharing.

What I’m doing these days is a lot of self care, focusing on things that make me feel content and accomplished, strangely a lot of that is household chores, they actually ground me. Exercise helps me feel good. I know I wrote about volunteering and you weren’t sure it was right for you but I was lucky enough to find one volunteer job which ticks so many boxes for me - although not all of those jobs are as good, it’s trial and error often.

This is going to sound a bit sappy but in a way it’s a bit like being your own best friend if that makes sense. Nurturing yourself and what keeps you happy.

People can be downright strange sometimes no doubt about it, I can feel the bewilderment you describe in your posts and I’m sorry for it. Be kind to yourself @jesyka

I have realized, rather a bit late that focusing on myself is what is needed for healing.My requirements are really very simple,yet I was resentful because I ignored my needs since long.I focused more on others and was most likely groomed to become a giver since early childhood. The more I did for others sacrificing myself and my needs,the more people expected from me.The takers never had any gratitude for what I did.The goal posts moved higher and higher.I was always told what I did for others was never enough.So what's the point?No body will care if I dropped dead.Now I take care of myself.I fulfil my needs.I have gratitude for what I have and I am enough.I also feel good doing chores around the house and yard.Keeping our own house in order is the first priority, so to speak. And I have been feeling better.