Friendship anxieties

Well it’s early in the morning here and I’m almost off to work but thanks for the replies.

One of my friends who wouldn’t get back to me became better at doing that this year, after I stopped initiating. But another friend didn’t get back to me at all. So I guess it can go either way.

My h has needed more help this year so naturally I’ve been with him, likewise my parents have needed more of my time and energy. So I am around people, plus I socialise in my workplace on a basic day to day level so luckily I’m not isolated.

On a superficial level I’m fine, I’m the kind of person who can and does make conversation easily, so that’s good. In fact I’d say if you met me you’d never guess the issues I’ve had with one sided friendships.

Actually I read up a bit on one sided friendships yesterday and it was interesting.

I did listen to this person a fair bit although not so much in a support dynamic, this most recent friend I mention who doesn’t initiate is nice and a lively sort, but I wonder if I maybe was on occasion nothing more than an audience to her stories. She is an interesting and entertaining person. We kind of bonded over similar humour.

But when I look back she didn’t really ask too many questions about me. So that may be a sign.

Anyhow the one sided friendships angle is one for me to ponder on. Why do I end up with this dynamic so often.

Edit: I realised that I was aware that sometimes she interrupted me when I was saying something, and seemed like she would change the subject. It made me feel like I was boring her. Maybe I was boring her. Yet I didn’t talk excessively.

Yes I’m going that way myself, who wants to prolong the friend dumping. Two sounds about right.

I’ve had that happen to me plenty of times too with other people. I have often felt like some people just want to use me as a sounding board.

It’s not a healthy dynamic. The fact that she interrupts & doesn’t listen isn’t a good sign.

You deserve better friends than that. I wouldn’t even acknowledge her on FB if she is ignoring you on there too. I’d just unfriend someone like her. You don’t seem like you’re that important to her at all.

Sone people just want an audience or followers.

Yeah it’s definitely not a good sign.

I’ve picked over the last couple of friend dumpers (frumpers?) although the second one isn’t a confirmed dumper it’s looking that it might go that way and I don’t think I did anything wrong. I listened, I kept in touch, I remembered birthdays, I gave gifts, I hope I was fun company although that is something only they could decide.

I’ve not decided what to do about my most recent possible dumper friendship, I guess I could try getting in touch but I’m unsure if it’s wise. Maybe she’s bored with me. Maybe I need to take the hint.

Thinking out loud.

You sound like you're dealing with the same thing as me. I've had a lot of failed friendships. I figured out over the last year that I have both Autism and ADHD. I realized this at 41.

I notice now that if I try to open myself up and "put myself out there," I feel like I trigger some PTSD. I get very anxious and filled with so much despair that I tend to just withdrawal again.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me, did you get an official diagnosis do you mind me asking?

Yes it is stressful for me too to put myself out there, yet I’ve pushed through a few times, I don’t seem as resilient or brave these days however.

The most recent friend who dropped away, I’ve just let it go, I did stop interacting with her on social media, I didn’t unfriend or anything but I did unfollow so I don’t get her posts in my feed anymore. Tbh she did post a lot about everything she did, I’d noticed that, and that isn’t my way at all. So maybe we were fundamentally more different than I realised. I still think she’s a nice person just maybe we weren’t meant to be friends other than very casual acquaintances.

No official diagnosis. At this stage in my life, there's no real point in making it official, but I'm 100% sure. It explains a lot of issues I've had throughout my life.

I know what you mean. That's a bit of an issue I have. I don't know what to post online. or even really what to say. I think my ability to trust people is just broken now. It's very hard for me.

So today I deleted all my posts on Facebook going back 10 years, I didn’t like having personal photos/info on there anymore, I disabled my account too, I may delete it completely but I’m a bit nervous of losing contacts especially for work.

I still feel like on one level I’m doing okay, employed, able to cope socially at work, volunteering (I actually took on a new group late last year). But my inner confidence is low, I no longer have the bravery to put myself out there, I’m a coward!

I’m getting stronger and stronger urges to protect myself and withdraw.

Another person i talked to decided they didn’t want to talk to me anymore

Honestly I wouldn’t have anything to do with me either if I had the option

Sometimes OafFish illness such as depression can make us feel that way about ourselves too. I know, I’m feeling down about myself too right now.

I don’t know the line between low self image and honest self assessment

Yes it is tricky and I find when I’m feeling low everything feels strongly like I must be these negative things I believe.

It’s hard when we lack strong social connections because we’re not getting feedback, just the loops in our brain.

It’s been a while since I posted here. I feel like my flaky friend has let me down at a time when I needed support.

This year has had a lot of challenges in my family, I’ve struggled with so much happening. I decided to apply for therapy and that’s started now, although I do feel in a better place I have felt irritated that this friend has not asked after me, or shown concern apart from initially (when they did appear supportive) and I’ve stopped making the first move. I feel like I need to take note and not be available if they do re-emerge.

I know the world does not revolve around me and my needs but I feel like a true friend would care.

I could’ve written this post myself except for the part about trying hard to not say the wrong thing at times.

I sometimes overshare with people when they talk wbout their problems too. I feel like we’re trauma bonding at times. I don’t do that as often as before though.

Anyways, why do you think that you struggle with friendships? I’m not sure why most people don’t want to be my friend.

Maybe it’s because I’m to shy, anxious & introverted. Maybe they can sense my depression & anxiety even though zi did tell them about my issues.

Maybe you haven’t met the right people yet. Have you tried joining meetup.com? It’s l free to join.

Finding good friends is hard too. It seems like a lot of people just want to socialize with other people on social mecia & thats good enough for them.

I am a good friend, so it kind of baffles me to why I don’t have more friends too. And eith the ones I do have, they rarely intiate plans with me.

Also, very few of them have introduced me to their other friends which hurts my feelings. My bff hsd lots of friends & I only met two of her friends. One of them being anpther anxious depressed lady who lives nearby.

She said that lady was contacting her to often do ehe tried to introduce her to me to get rid of her. She turned out to be a selfish user.l

I wonder if it’s possible that people can sense our loneliness or not?

Also, it’s better to have few to no friends then friends who try to control, use, manipulation & gossip about you.

Get a cat or a dog if you don’t have one maybe. Cats are better than most people, lol 😆

Why is it hard to relate to another INTJ? I’m one.

Thanks @jesyka I appreciate your reply.

I think I’m in a place where I no longer have the energy or motivation to reach out for new friendships. It’s complicated, but I do feel like the few good friends I have are gold standard, if that makes sense and I want to treasure those true connections. I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to find myself ghosted or an option in someone’s life as I have been.

My inconsistent friend emailed, it was long, all about them as it almost always is. I do like them but I don’t have the energy for this. I don’t want to be an after thought in someone’s life.

PS I do think cats are awesome - we can’t have pets unfortunately but I make friends with random cats in the street.

I strongly agree. We make time for people that matter, maybe not immediately but you remember them and let them know you think of them.

Maybe people don't know to communicate anymore, especially young people. They prefer to text or use Facebook or whatnot, not actually talking to someone. And it's easy to ghost people with technology. Yet, because of it, it's easier to track down or find someone, much so than it was before all this technology. I remember printed phone directories. If someone was unlisted, you couldn't just look them up online and find a number.

I've stopped making the initial contact or doing the follow up now. I'm fed up and wish somebody would think of me for a change, and be the one to send ME a message or call ME instead of me having to do it first. All I get is political scam texts so I've turned off notifications on that. It's disheartening to just get those.

Thanks Owl

Yeah I get that, it sucks to be always the one to reach out. I’ve decided I won’t do this anymore too. It’s emotionally draining.

My inconsistent friend stepped up contact again after I went quiet. It seems like a pattern. But I’ve decided if I lower my expectations of them it doesn’t bother me nearly as much.

Sometimes people do step up if I go quiet, but if that's what it takes I don't want to be bothered. That's not a real friendship.

Many years ago I thought I was keeping in touch with former co-workers, BUT unless I called them, I never talked to them. They never called ME. After awhile I stopped calling, and I never heard from them. Good riddance. In hindsight, it was the right call.

So I got friend dumped again This was by someone I knew online in a supportive context, I’ve had this happen in less developed online friendships and it’s not been a big deal as I almost expect it, but I’d known this woman for about 8 years. I was really fond of her and I picked up she didn’t have the time or priority to write as often but her messages were getting quite abrupt, whereas they’d been chatty. So I asked if she was okay, she answered she was, and I asked was it just that she was really busy and she wrote me a longer goodbye. Yes, she’s busy, she’s not online as much, all that I got, it’s the hazards of online communication.

Then the stinger - she doesn’t feel we connect like we used to. Can’t argue with that, she obviously feels this way but I didn’t, I was still interested in her life and all that she cared to share. I still felt the connection. It left me feeling like I’m clueless and I don’t know how to read the writing on the wall. Where did that come from. How could I be so unaware that the other person was sick of me?

Analysing as usual. Two people close to me have had serious health issues this last year, did I bring her down with my sad news? I reread the emails but if anything I’d downplayed it, I don’t feel I went on, but maybe even a bit of bad news was a no, no for her. Some people don’t have the capacity to handle others sad stuff do they? Maybe that was it?

Trouble is my brain instantly connected it with my real life friend who dropped me without a word almost 3 years ago. I’m searching for a connection between the two, what did I do, what is it about me. The answers I get aren’t good ones I’m afraid and reflect on my self worth or lack of.

Right now I’m feeling very wary of almost all of my friendships, am I in touch too much, do I moan too much etc. I’m laying very low/keeping a very low profile.

On the positive side I felt okay at work today and the light exchanges with colleagues felt a relief today. How can I do that light stuff quite easily yet one to one friendships seem to be so fraught with failure and worry for me.

I’m sorry to hear this, @Discombobulated. It’s understandable that this would feel like a personal blow. Life and relationships are so complicated.

I can’t remember where I read this - it may have been a poster on here - but they remarked that people come and go in life, sometimes, like seasons. I thought this was a good way to look at it, and retain the memories of the good times you had, rather than the disappointment that the friendship has reached the end of the road.

I’ve noticed this over the course of my life. I’ve had really good friends that all of a sudden just seem to fade away. In each case I always tried to reconnect, but unsuccessfully. I am guilty of overanalysing too, but I think that’s a road to self-doubt. I think it’s just part of life. It’s sad, but don’t take it to heart. It doesn’t mean you were at fault. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It just means people have changed.

In reality, I have only a small number of people I would class as friends. When I interact with people, I really like to get to know them well, and equally I want them to know me well too. I’m very inquisitive, and I like to know what makes people “tick”. I like deep conversations, and I know a lot of people can find this makes them uncomfortable. I’m an oversharer too, and this can be very off-putting.

Don’t be hard on yourself. From your posts I’ve read on here, you come across as very kind, caring, and intelligent. These are great qualities, and if people don’t want to be with you, or interact with you, then I think that should be their loss, not yours.

Have faith in yourself. Keep going. Other people, other seasons will come along.

@NovaBlaze, I relate to a lot of what you’re saying. But I can’t just be glad for the good times, if there were any at all. That’s like wanting a slice of bread but all you’re going to get is a nibble. Thinking of them as coming and going will make me lose motivation to connect at all. I’m expecting people to disappear because they keep doing it. I can’t help thinking it’s me as a result.

Humans are hard wired to want to connect although I know some people are loners and are happy with it. But I’m not a loner and certainly don’t want to be. I too like deep conversations but feel people are too emotionally immature to have one. It’s especially true for people who had distant parents, that need to connect. Nothing fills me up like someone who gets me and I’d want it to be a two way street.

A few months ago I and a woman I talked to on the phone weekly, for four years, agreed to end the talks. They were one sided, one way conversations where she’d never talk about herself. I did most of the talking and it was about me. It was a red flag when she said it’s my call on whether to continue. That meant she was never going to be more than an acquaintance and doesn’t really care about me or to know me.

She restricted us to 30 minutes a week, like a business meeting or something. She didn’t want to text or talk more often. In hindsight she treated me like a client. She’s a semiretired therapist. But she’s not MY therapist. I need a friend, not another superficial acquaintance. I have dozens of those.

After effing 4 years, if she’s not going to talk about herself then don’t talk to me at all. I thought it was better than nothing which is why I let it go on for so long. But nothing is better.

If we did talk about deeper things, it would be about things in the country like bans on abortion or books. But then the 30 minutes would end and she would say our time is up. It’s unnatural and I feel I deserve better.

I hate uncertainty and change anyway; I need stability. If I can’t have a stable friend then I have my coffee daily. At least I can count on that. Yes other people come along and they leave too. I’m like a battery in the red zone, recharging will take a long time or maybe it can’t hold any charges.

I have just one friend for over 17 years but one more would go a long way.



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Sent from my iPhone

As you know an online friend did this to me as well. Not as long as a “friendship” of 8 years but over a year. Suddenly they had computer problems but that was probably a lie. That same week they deleted their account. No closure, no goodbye, no thanks for the memories.

And this person said people do that to them a lot, then turns around and does it to ME. From what I read on other forums like Reddit and Quora, this is very common. But that’s little consolation. And it took me a month to process that person did that. I even got multiple messages in one day and heard about doctor’s appointments too.

I hate the thought of growing older with no support or true friends. It’s not only scary but lonely.

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Sent from my iPhone

Thanks both of you, it genuinely means a lot to read your replies.

I’m feeling better today, I think I’m processing things, I’m not there yet but the initial sting isn’t there. I cried for over an hour when I got her email on Monday. For the first time in my life I blocked a friend, I just couldn’t stand anymore pain, although I doubt she’s written again.

I’ve mostly been reviewing our friendship over the years in my head, trying to make sense of it. But the fact is I’ll never really know what was going through her mind.

The thing is, I still think she’s a great person, does that sound crazy? She’s had a difficult life at times and she’s worked hard at her challenges, that was what drew me to her - that bright spark she had within. Online I think we can know someone really very well, the deep important things they can tell us, yet in other ways not at all because we aren’t part of their everyday lives. So it’s maybe more accurate to say I really liked what I knew of her. I only ever wanted to be a positive force in her life, to support her as she progressed- and she did progress, she sounded like she was doing really well.

I guess for all it hurt me I should probably be thankful she did at least tell me rather than just disappear, at least that’s something. And in all honesty I wouldn’t have wanted her to keep in touch if she didn’t feel a connection anymore. I wouldn’t want anyone to do that.

The problem I think is within me, and my deep seated fears that I’m not good enough. I was the teenager and young woman who was on the outsides of the cliques and groups you see, and it’s almost hard wired into me that I’m not good enough, every time I’m friend dumped I feel it again.