[martinerous]

How to deal with periods of overwhelming anxiety when I suddenly become hyper-aware that I will lose my loved ones and then also will die myself one day?

It can get so overwhelming, that I feel a knot in my throat as if I'm about to cry uncontrollably, and I'm shaky and cannot eat much for hours because my stomach feels very strained.

I'm going through psychotherapy now and also have some medications in case it gets really bad. But I just don't see how it can become better because I know that the subject of my fear is inevitable. It's as if I'm in grief for people who are still with me, I remember all the good moments we had and I feel huge sorrow for the fact that we won't have such moments anymore and, for various reasons (see the long story below), it's not possible to create new pleasant moments together.

The long story.

I'm an introverted person, but also I've been having general anxiety my entire life. I am physically shorter and weaker than average men, and also I have a vision defect that makes me near-sighted since birth. So, because of this, I was bullied at school a lot, and I still sometimes experience attacks from bullies on the streets even now, when I'm 43.

In my teenage years, I discovered I have no sexual attraction to girls. It was an emotional struggle to deal with because I had to break up with a girl I was close to because I could not give her what she desired.

I thought I'm gay, but that also turned out to not be true - I just have some very specific homosexual-like fetishes but those don't have anything to do with sex and I'm not able to have a successful physical connection with anyone. I haven't ever met a man with whom I would want to have a long-term relationship. I just better "click" with calm and quiet women, except for the fact that I cannot love them physically.

In general, I was having a kinda acceptable life, graduated, and had my master's degree and a good job. My parents and relatives treated me as a normal person and we just ignored all my issues, accepting that "life is what it is and just be strong and live on, as everyone else". And so I did, despite being very anxious about too many things in the world and trying to stick to my comfort zone as much as possible.

However, I never started my own separate life or relations. I still live with my parents who are 80 and 90 years old. I work remotely, pay the bills, help my parents to deal with technology, shopping, and with keeping our apartment in good shape.

When my mom retired, she developed some kind of anxiety which often manifested as physical feelings of a knot in her stomach and trembling. She's been through different therapies and drugs with some years of moderate success. But it was more and more difficult to find a treatment that helps long-term. So, I often had to see her struggle, crawl back and forth in her bed or even on the floor, sobbing. I had to hug and calm her down, feeling helpless. I noticed that over the years I myself became more and more emotional, I could start crying when watching a heartfelt movie scene. I became more depressed. Still, I convinced myself that I'm strong and can handle it.

Everything blew up this May. We all got sick at the same time with some kind of virus. It was weird, our temperatures immediately jumped to 39 C and then came back down to normal in two days with very minimal flu symptoms.

It seemed we all should be fine. However, my mom started having memory and cognitive issues. She could not remember what happened a few hours ago. She sometimes got detached from the environment not recognizing people and items around her. That's when my panic periods started. I could not eat normally for days because of feeling constantly nauseous from fear. I had a few episodes of intense sobbing and shaking.

We took my mom to the hospital, and they did a CT scan but it did not show anything dangerous, just the usual signs of age that many people have at 80. She spent a few weeks in a psychiatric hospital, where she almost fully recovered. Even her psychosomatic symptoms went away. Meanwhile, I had my own psychotherapy trying to deal with my fears and anxious attachment to my parents who have become my only best friends while living together.

When my mom returned home, we had some hope for a better life. I started planning some changes in my own life to establish some kind of a relationship with an (almost) asexual lady I've been in contact with for a few years. Unfortunately, she lives in another city and it's difficult for us to meet often, but at least I planned to visit her more often on weekends.

However, my mom's psychosomatic symptoms returned soon and my anxiety also returned. We are now back to where we started - asking her psychiatrist for new drugs and waiting for a month to see if it will help at least for some time. I'm feeling so desperate and helpless.

It feels like living on the edge of a cliff and there's an earthquake happening from time to time, making me shaky and not seeing any solution to get out of this dangerous situation before the ground breaks under my feet and I fall into the darkness.

I feel as in a constant fight with myself. Everything around me reminds me of some memory that leads to "it's gone and won't happen ever again" sadness, and I have to force myself to think of something else. But there's nothing much to think about when everything reminds me of something that causes this deep sadness and existential anxiety.

So, I'm just living day after day desperately trying to anchor myself "here and now" and avoid any troubling thoughts of the future. It's very exhausting to be in this constant control of my own thoughts and I feel always tired and don't know where to gain strength from.

[Yaowen]

I am so sorry you are suffering. Since I have a similar dread of losing my mother who is in her 90s, I can definitely identify with you. My life is better now, though, thanks to medication and therapy. I hope medication and therapy is able to provide you relief. My heart goes out to you!

[AzulOscuro]

It’s hard to say something because your fears and feelings are incontestable and nothing I can tell you will be of any help.
I only can tell you that I understand you and that I’m sorry for the bullying you suffered. Unluckily this world, has people who are pretty stupid as to paying their frustrations with others.

Does at least this forum help you a little? The chance to talk to other people who are also struggling? Is your therapy helping you somehow?

You mention focussing on the now. I guess you heard about the practice of mindfulness. It helped me to embrace and accept whatever is going on.
I don’t know if you are familiarised with it.

Let me know if you feel like. I would be ready to give you some clues about it.
Count with me.

((((HUGS))))