[pliepla]

I started a relationship three weeks ago. Two days ago, my anciety struck again, triggered by a casual remark about a past lover (this specific pattern of anxiety struck me before, when I started a ten-year relationship with somebody who had +/- 80 one night stands and could not stop bragging about it in the first half year)

She is willing to invest in this. I gave her a book called "De bange mens" (written by Daan Heerma Voss and translated as The Anxiety Project) that gave me some insight but I am interested in finding more books or other resources.

Or tips on how to handle this.

[TheGal]

It's difficult to hear about past loves (lovers), the only thing was time that worked for me to get over the feelings of residual/retroactive jealousy and anxiety.

[TheGal]

Also, it's not a good idea to compare 'numbers' of people you slept with.

I would express to your partner that you don't want to hear all the details...

[pliepla]

Originally Posted by TheGal

It's difficult to hear about past loves (lovers), the only thing was time that worked for me to get over the feelings of residual/retroactive jealousy and anxiety.

Originally Posted by TheGal

Also, it's not a good idea to compare 'numbers' of people you slept with.

I would express to your partner that you don't want to hear all the details...

First, I would like to point out I don't really want this thread to become about me. Regardless, I think I should elaborate a bit about the context ...

(What follows is not really a trigger but I wanted to make this part collapsible bacause I would like to discuss this elsewhere and I saw no other way to achieve this.)

Possible trigger:

I was married until four years ago. That was a relationship that lasted from when I was 36 until I was 46. My ex wife had +/- 80 one night stands when before we met; she was 2 at the time. How do I know? I asked. I asked because the math I was doing in my head, gave me numbers above 1000.
Why was I agonizing about it? Because she was kind of boasting about it (her explanation was that she was not entirely comfortable with what she did). She supposedly had done a number of BDSM-like experiments and was doing these things with me, regardless of my objections.
I was head-over-heels with her but at the same time it was not my happiest period.

The woman I recently met is 43 years old, has been single for a year. Before that she was married for 19 years. She says she never had sex if she did not have feelings for somebody. She says she does not want sex too soon (adding this up, numbers should be pretty decent I guess); I do sleep over but so far we have been cuddling and kissing. I am OK with that, I do feel the intimate connection that I thought I had lost for good, even so soon in our path together.
She does want to know exactly how far I want to go at this point in time because she sensed my insecurities and I don't know. I talk about the connection I feel, but at the same time I realize any step forward can trigger what I experienced years ago. I have no way of knowing what will trigger me. She did make some remarks like "Normally I tend to take more initiative but I am not sure what is OK for you" or "I used to like doing it often" which were what set me off. while other people would probably think that she's open-minded and that this will be fun, I agonize about being inadequate (I started late, at 25), about not being able to do something that will be special to her because everything to her will supposedly be a been-there-done-that experience (she pointed out a few things were special) etc.
I don't want numbers because any number - even if it is below mine - will at this point lead me to a reason why it is unsettling.

As you said time, discussing our shared experience and a lot of affirmation did help me. But I don't want to discuss this in this thread although I believe it might be useful to start another tread and I am not sure in which subforum to post this.

What surprises me most, and it did help me these last few days, is the impact it has on her. My ex-wife just continued with her stories while my current girlfriend wants to support me, even if we've been together for such a short period. She is looking for ways to handle her emotions and she would like to have some handles on how to support me (just being there is a big one and I will keep telling her that). So basically, any suggestions about books, films, documentaries, ... are most welcome.

And a sugestion on where exactly to put my story might be helpful too.

[TheGal]

OK ... I'd google "TED talks sex" and "TED Talks anxiety" and "TED talks relationships".

Also, look up Claire Weekes, Russ Harris YouTube

*** Baggage Reclaim *** is a blog and podcast for women about relationships. Here is an example of dating anxiety being discussed.

dating anxiety Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

[AzulOscuro]

Maybe, the Relationship and Communication sub forum could be the one you’re looking for to expose the other topic you want to bring up.

[pliepla]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Maybe, the Relationship and Communication sub forum could be the one you’re looking for to expose the other topic you want to bring up.

I have been in doubt but my thoughts and anxiety are getting out of hand so I did ... Dealing with a new partner's sexual experience

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by pliepla

I have been in doubt but my thoughts and anxiety are getting out of hand so I did ... Dealing with a new partner's sexual experience

Excellent, I know your thing is social anxiety so mine is. But you don’t lost anything by posting there.
Hope you get lots of insight. Thus, that the one you got from @TheGal, of course. Very insightful! There are people who post there with experience in relations and very insightful interventions.
I’m not very social in any aspect, even in sexual field so that’s why I couldn’t be of help. Only when I saw few posts by you so far, I wanted to guide you a little in the forum.

(((( HUGS ))))