[Ozze]

Before I begin I would like to say that at no point do I ever feel like acting on the thoughts that come into my mind.
Hi,
I'm a 17 year old Australian boy and I need HUGE help and support with what I am going through. I have been suffering from anxiety / stress / obsessive-compulsive disorder for the past 8 months. In fact, as I am sure many of you can remember your own, my first encounter with it was on Christmas Eve 2003 when my family was coming home from Church. What a nice night it had been, except there I was struck down with the most incomprehensible and intangible thing I've ever felt.
It has always been fearful thoughts of violence/ morbid acts. At first my mind would involvuntary snap to thoughts of child molestation and sexual abuse. I was so unbelieveably freaked out by these thoughts and overnight my future as I saw it went from bright prosperity, going to university and starting my own family, to ending up as a dirty old paedophile. It's not what I wanted to be but my anxiety was basically saying that it didn't matter if I didn't want to hurt/ sexually abuse children, that it was in control. My mind was sent spiralling into thoughts of despair, but this was only a taste of much worse things that anxiety had planned for me.
After about one month my involuntary thoughts began to hit me in my weak spot; my family. It didn't matter what I was doing all of a sudden, without warning, my mind would snap to images or ideas of my mum or dad being stabbed. What's worse is that my mind kept saying that I was the one that would stab them. Please don't think of me badly and realise that I do not want these thoughts in my life at all. I love my mum and dad with all my heart, I really do. I hate myself so much because of my anxiety and have swore that the minute I really start to take the thoughts seriously, I will kill myself.
After about 4-5 months into living this life of unbearable agony everyday I finally picked up a book on self-help where I came across the most wonderful word that I never really knew about...ANXIETY. Finally I knew what was wrong with me...that I was not criminally insane and that these thoughts are just unrealistic beliefs that have been long ingrained in my mind. Since then I've become pro-active. I've been seeing a counsellor, been on personal development camps, reading as much as I could whenever I could and listening to self-help tapes. It's helped but I'm not cured...so to speak.
But there's still more, a couple of days ago I was on the internet looking up stuff on anxiety when I stumbled across some information on obsessive compulsive disorder where I found that one of the most common forms of obsessive compulsive disorder comes from a fear of violence. I don't know if I really have it. I know I do things excessively, like having showers (the skin on my hands is starting to peel I've had so many) and fidgeting and pacing. I don't know if this is obsessive compulsive disorder so if you could please put your ideas on here, it would be greatly appreciated.
I want to learn to love myself again. Right now I look in the mirror and see a dirty child rapist or serial killer or any other type of morbid person you could think of. That's what I think of myself everyday I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. I hate myself I really do. And please don't think I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't. I'm more repulsed by myself if anything and every day I wake up (sometimes crying) wishing to God that I would get hit by a car on my way to school.
Enough is enough. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried everything but nothing's working. It's had the WORST impact on me physically. I've been trembling / shaking for as long as I can remember and my muscles are NEVER relaxed anymore. I feel so tense, even when I'm falling asleep and have also been suffering from severe migraines, which I've never had before. So yes, my life went from its peak to the lowest, most miserable thing I've ever encountered. Please post your ideas so that I have something to try. I've tried everything else. Anything would be greatly appreciated and I hope all of you are doing well fighting your unrealistic fears, because I'm sure not.
Thank you for reading.

P.S I'm sorry for posting a novel.

[just4today]

Dear, dear Ozze, Your post is very ,very brave and I applaud you for having the insight to reach out.Not everyone understands the "mechanics" of the mind, but many of us can relate to it's devastating effects when we are not well.I can relate very strongly to your descriptions of bizarre, violent and disturbing thoughts and impulses and I want you to KNOW that you are not bad or crazy.I am 45 years old and it took me many,many years to get the courage to expose my innermost fears.You should be very proud of yourself for the steps you have taken,not only for yourself but the huge encouragement you are to those of us who have also struggled with our self worth due to thoughts and images beyond our control.I have had very vivid thoughts of children being abused in various ways,have "seen" my own duaghter dead and mutilated and many other intrusive repeated disturbing thoughts.To describe the effect of these thoughts on one's self worth is impossible.BUT, there is help! Threr are caring , experienced doctors who have heard similar experiences before and know how to help you access their origin and thus, how to effectively treat and control these thoughts.If it is any encouragement to you,Ozze, I have been married(mostly happy) for 20 years, have 3 beautiful,grown children,have been self employed off and on and have a very functional life(in consideration of my diagnoses).Most importantly,I am not experiencing those horrible intrusive thoughts .Largely due to medication that aids in my illness.You are in need of professional guidance and support and now.You are loved by those close to you and ,by your very touching post, have reminded me of how grateful I am to be where
I am today. You have helped me by your courage,Ozze, and I support you in your efforts toward a happy,healthy future.Please feel free to keep us posted on your progress(see, you're not the only one who can write novels!) You're in my thoughts...Jill

Dance like nobody's watching.

[Maya]

I concur. I am 57 and just recently exposed my innermost secrets to my T - just as ghastly as what you described and I also applaud you, Ozze for being brave enough to get help now. And, also for the record, I have been married now for 33 years and doing OK with my meds. Meds and therapy are the key to escaping the anxiety trap.

The vision of your goodness will sustain me through the cold
Take my hand now to remember when you find yourself alone
You are never alone… (John Denver)
Mars

[wisewoman]

what a good job describing what you go through. The intrusive thoughts are out of your control and I agree with the rest that seeing a pdoc would be a great place to start. Also pay attention to what kinds of things help you to feel relaxed. You could build on these. I'm glad you posted and are asking the right questions. Some time ago I was aware of an ocd teen site online. I bet it's still there. Good luck.

[cms39]

This sounds like OCD to me. The thoughts are intrusive and NOT what you want at all. Sometimes a mother has thoughts about hurting her child when she really LOVEs her children and would NEVER hurt them.

I've had blasphemous thoughts that I felt tremdous guilt over. I couldn't walk past a cross in my home or go to church. I'm much better now. Luvox, Paxil, Anafranil, are some of the medications they use for OCD. The thoughts occur to most people as passing thoughts but an OCD person gets horrified and obssesses on them.

[ALi26]

Hi Ozze
God if you only new how much I can relate. First of all, I have what you have involving violent images and thoughts. However, they involve killing myself not others. I think these thoughts all day almost every second and I know your pain. It has been the most awful 6 months of my life and I have such a hard time determining what is reality and what is not.
What you and I have is a form of OCD called Pure-obsessions. There are 7 kinds of OCD and this is the most difficult to conquer because it involves no compusions. We do not want to act on these thoughts but they do not go away.
It does not mean you are a bad person..you have a disease called OCD and like me you need a lot of support. Write to me whenever I can offer help. I know a lot about it.
ali