[Sallie]

Hi. I was lucky to come across this forum while I was fueling the hypochondriac in me. I've never been to a psychologist nor have I had any therapy but I'm afraid that I may need to soon. This is difficult, to write out to strangers such things that I haven't even told the people closest to me but you seem like a kind group of people based on what I have read.
I have always been a worrier, I started getting anxiety pains when I was in grade school and for the longest time I was convinced that I was dying. I'm still here though and I found out that my mother had the same thing so this does run in the family. To say that I over-react to things is an understatement, I blow things way out of proportion and over-analyze to the smallest detail. I'll worry over a spec of dust on the floor that was just vaccuumed ect... and this has become progressivly worse but I've always had some sort of control over my mind. It's just lately, since last week actually, that it's getting to the point where I'm afraid that I really be be loosing it. I had a headache ( which is no big deal especially since I had not eaten much that day ). I am a hypochondriac and every time I have even a minor physical aliment I assume the worst, but this time I couldn't shake off the feeling of dread the way I was able to always do before. When I got home from work I took something for the headache and it went away but my unsetteled feelings didn't. That whole evening I felt the way someone does when they are coming down with the flu or a fever. I felt shakey and cold and my mind wouldn't let me rest. It was as though it was on over-drive and it was analyzing the silliest things even in tv commercials. All I could think about was how lucky all those people were who seemed so normal and happy and I tried to get my mind back to that place as well. I think what made it worse was the fact that I was so scared about what was going on and this horrible fear only added to the restlessness in my mind, sort of a vicious circle. I was terrifed. I felt as though nothing would ever be the same again. Thankfully things calmed down until today. Though this whole week I've been on edge wondering when and where this feeling would emerge again. Today what set me off was a pain in one of my teeth. Something so minute but it was like a snowball which kept getting larger and larger the more I thought about it until I was convinced that something terrible was wrong with me and I went through dramatic scenarios with my imagination. Again the shakes came and I lost my appetite though my stomach was hungry. I apologize if this doesn't make sense, it's very difficult to explain and I've never told anyone about how tense and nervous I always have been. It's always something that I could gain control of but if it continues like this then I don't know what to do. I'm so good at appearing happy and calm that this would shock some people but it also makes me wonder that if I can put up such an act, how many others may be suffering silently? The mind ( especially when you have a poweful imagination like me ) is so powerful. I think that if I could just find a way to remind myself that I'm over-reacting then it would be alright. But when I get this anxiety attacks ( if that is what they are ) I feel that nothing can calm things down except to wait it out.
Thank you for reading this, I didn't mean for it to be so long. I do feel a bit better for having it out as though the pressure has been relieved. I look forward to talking things out like this and trying to help when I can as well. I'm so glad for having a sense of humor and it's good to see that a lot of you have one here as well.

[ktp]

Sallie:

I know what it's like to struggle with things. Sometimes it's easier to type it out instead of speaking face to face. It gives you time to gather your thoughts, etc. Everyone else in my family or that is close to me have their own issues to deal with so I find it easier to express myself in the forums.

Have you ever considered therapy? or finding a psychiatrist ? It might help you to get evaluated or atleast be able to learn coping techniques and things. Maybe an online search would be useful as there are alot of self help sites out there.

Take Care and I hope you feel better soon!

GREAT BIG WELCOME !

[Sallie]

Hi ktp. Thank you for the warm reply. You are right about finding a lot of references online ( that is how I found this site ). Psychology used to be my major and the reason I dropped it was because I could easily convince myself that I had a number of disorders. So looking this up on the internet is a bit like a mine field. I'm going to go about it slowly and try to be as logical and rational as possible. As for therapy, I think I do need it, in fact I know I do. This is going to sound silly but I feel like if I start to go then whatever is wrong with me will have won. I don't want to think that I'm not strong enough to sort this out and also it would make me face the truth which is still hard for me to accept. It must be uncomfortable to be face to face with someone and explain to them things which you yourself can barely put into words.
I think being here will help me overcome such fears. It's a step at least and I'm at that point where I am sick of the fear and may just have to see someone about it.

Thank you again.

[ktp]

Sallie:
I understand completely and you're very welcome ! ((Hugs))
That's alot of the reason why I've put off going to the doc about depression and some other symptoms I've been dealing with most of my life. I have a strong family history with mental illness(brother, sister, mother, grandfather, maternal aunt, maternal uncle, cousin) and to the others in my family, I always think they're courageous and it's the bravest thing ever to admit finally that there is a problem. To me, I do not have the same compassion for myself. I feel weak for not being able to take it now. But see, that's something I need to work on within myself and I think it would be good for you to see a therapist. I have the same feelings about it though. LOL. Silly, aren't I? It's hard to express myself face to face. Usually I'm pretty eloquent when I speak but when it comes to what I FEEL, I feel like duh....I have finally made a doc appointment and will get a referral and I'm scared to death, but also proud of myself for taking the step that I need to finally deal with ME, instead of everyone else.

I hope you consider it!

Take Care,
Kimberly

[Sallie]

Hello Ozzie. Thank you for the advice, I'm happy to hear that it has worked for you.
Ktp, You're right about having to deal with 'you' first. I know that you mean by that. And I'm in the same boat as you, it's that whole strength issue. I would love to be one of those people who has such a strong will that nothing is too hard to handle. Unfortunatley that's not the case even though it's what I've been trying to convince myself. Having anxieties or depression or anything for that matter is nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't mean that the mind is feeble. Again it's easier to say this than to actually belive it but deep down I believe that it's ok to admit it. I did see a Doctor today, though not for my anxiety. I went in to have something looked at ( yeah the hypochondriac thing ). While I was there I talked to her about my feelings the past week and how I felt as though I was losing control of my thoughts. She gave me some samples to try, I can't remember the name and they're downstairs atm. But it's a month's worth and I'm supposed to go back in a month so she can see how I'm doing. It felt very strange to tell someone for the first time about my weird head and I was afraid that I wasn't making any sense. She seemed to recognize the symptoms of GAD right away. I was worried that since my panic attacks can last all night that it may be something else. I have to admit that I'm relieved but I keep getting pulled back down into doubt and wondering if I should have been more specific about something or explained more about the fear itself. What if it is something more serious and I didn't give out enough information? My mind just won't let up even when it's supposed to be relieved.
Anyway, ktp I'm proud of you. I think we both have that same fear of talking to someone and especially a professional. And try not to worry about not being clear, just say what's on your mind and remember to pace yourself.

Good luck!

[ktp]

Sallie:
That's great that you opened up to the doc today, even just a little bit. All of this stuff is easier said than done and I've finally figured that out. It amazes me how I can be right there whenever anyone else needs help but I allow myself to be in torment simply because I don't have time or I would be too embarrassed and 1000 other "great" excuses I've made up for myself. I too am a bit of a hypochondriac. I always assume the worst when it comes to physical ailments but it's just those nagging fears. It's like my head knows that it's not true, but the thoughts and doubts persist.

Samples are good (especially when they're FREE. grin) and maybe it'll help you. Hey it's worth a shot huh? Anyway, it's good that your doc wants to keep up to date on how you're doing and a month will give the meds plenty of time to start regulating things. It's a trial and error process (I've learned through other people's treatment) and I understand that it gets really frustrating. Sometimes for awhile you feel worse.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm proud of me too, finally for doing something about it but I am scared that I'm gonna freeze. I get shaky and my hands sweat and my face twitches when I'm nervous. I just know I'm going to be a trainwreck next week but I'm still glad I'm going. Just the thought of MAYBE feeling better is worth it. The therapy thing, if it's going to be helpful, which I don't think it would hurt ANYONE to get therapy, it's going to be different. It might take awhile to get used to it but I'm sure we could all benefit in the end. I wish you luck with these meds. You did a good thing today and I'm proud for you!!!

Take Care.

[ktp]

Oops I meant to add....

If someone had a heart problem, they'd get treated for it. To me, mental illness is the same. Alot of it is heredity coupled with environment, but some of it's just good old fashioned chemical imbalances. It's an actual illness and alot of people in the "real world" still see it differently. I agree with you on that point. And you're right it's nothing to be ashamed of. I agree wholeheartedly.

(((hugs))) Take care.

[Sallie]

Sorry for the long absence, I'm not used to being online and writing this way.
Ktp, I really hope your session went well for you. Even if after there is a feeling of 'Oh my God what did I do?' , in the long run I'm sure the benifits of seeking help will pay off.

Stay positive

[Sallie]

Also, the sample my Dr. gave me is called Lexipro. I took one last week and it made me extremely dizzy and nauseuous ( though the nausea may have been caused by my fear of the dizziness which is caused by my hypochodria ...sheesh) Anyway, I called up my clinic and they told me to reduce the dose to half a pill. I just scared myself by looking up the side-effects online and now I'm worried about taking it.

Is anyone familiar with this? I was told that if I'm still having problems with side-effects that I should try Paxil CR. I don't want the side-effects to be worse than the disorder itself and all this stuff is new to me. For all I know my body was upset with me that I had to resort to taking a medication.

Thanks