Bad self esteem & anxiety, hard to make friends...unless I'm drunk

Hi I'm new here and really need some help on more than one issue, but I'll start with my self esteem issue. I have depression and anxiety disorder and have been on meds for 6 yrs now. I've always been a quiet person, but I love having friends.

When I was younger, I got into the wrong crowd because I wanted to feel accepted and the drugs and alcohol made me more talkative. Now I'm trying to stay sober, and I've lost all those friends. I don't know how to act around people, how to start up conversations, not feel like everyone hates me. When I have some alcohol in me, I'm a totally different person. Outgoing, funny, talkative and I always have something to talk about. Now I'm just feel like I'm boring and no one likes the sober me. I wish I could be that person I am when I'm drunk, without drinking and acting like a fool, AND being sick the next day). I don't drink very much, maybe a couple times a month. I've went to Happy Hour with people from work, and it starts out good, but then I get out of control and tell everyone my whole life story (I've been to jail, treatment, etc) Then I totally regret it and figure everyone hates me now. Why can't there be a happy medium?

I just hate my personality- sometimes I'm so serious and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I would like to make more friends at work, but I really get irritated by some of them when they make my life more difficult by not doing their jobs. They seem like nice people, but how can I be friends with them when I have to report the bad instructions they are giving me or passing off there work to me?

My husband is my best friend. He has opened my eyes to how people were walking all over me (including my family). But sometimes I feel like that's the only way people will like me. I like being generous and compassionate to others, I believe in karma- it will all come back to me someday. But my husband doesnt believe in that.

Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone is going through something similar. I really need someone to talk to, some advice. How can I be more outgoing and friendly? I just wish I was one of those people that are always happy and smiling, talking and joking with everyone. I guess I just don't like being the center of attention. I'm better at writing than talking. Is this just me, my personality forever, or can I change somehow?

What i do is just don't care what people think about me, once i put that in my head i can walk into a store and just have a random conversation with people. Just ask questions. If you can't think of a question or a response to what they just said, be random that seems to help alot. example

Me: Hey hows your day going?
Person: *Sigh* It could be better you know but its been okay.
Me: Oh. Doesn't sound too exciting, just your average day huh?
Person: Mmmhmm
Me: Yeah. You every do any fishing or anything set your mind at ease?
Person: No. I'm not a big fan of fishing.
Me: well. How come?
Person: I don't know just ain't.
Me: Try coloring? it really relaxes you.

i wish you the best of luck.

Welcome live2dream88,
Keep posting, you'll find people to relate to here and will make friends too. Good to meet you!

I know what you're talking about. What I've learned in my time with anxiety issues is that it's more important to have 2-3 close friends than a huge circle of friends. That's just my experience, at least. People that accept you as you are, and will be straightforward with you, as well as understanding. I think, instead of at work or at a bar, you'd find those type of people at a smaller venue like a church or volunteer group. It's sounds a little lame if you're used to going out and drinking and relaxing in that way, but it's worth a shot.

I completely understand what your going through. I deal with these same issues of anxiety-generalized, social-and low self esteem, and it's not easy for me to make friends really. I almost like myself better when I'm drunk because I feel i'm more like the 'real' me when I'm drunk. I'm outgoing, fun, and crazy. I don't care what another people think. Honestly, it;s a damn good thing that alcohol has such a negative effect on my stomache because I would probably have a serious drinking problem by now. I so wish I could be the person I am when I'm drunk without the added silliness and it really really sucks that it takes a type of drug to help me. I don't know how much advice I can offer you. I can say that you certainly can change. Anxiety is a learned behaviour and so we can 'un-learn' it. I have gone through some cognitive behavioural therapy and it does work...but you absolutely have to stick with it and I have not. You say you've been on meds, treatment? Have you done cognitive behavioural therapy? It seems like that might work for you. Another thing that works for me is that when I know I'm going to be somewhere with a lot of new faces, I try and make sure that I have a least two good friends by my side. Good friends can work like alcohol for me. But, that's my problem is that I need the physical, visual proof that I am liked and likeable, I can't know that on my own, and that's not good. The best thing to do is to work through the distortions in your mind of yourself and the people around you, but it's not easy. I hope this has helped some, and it helps to know someone else goes through the same things as me.

sounds like you have an insecurity there, that you can outgrow, whether you are 20, 30, or so-on.

finding out how to overcome some of these insecurities is a good road to take.

there are self help books about it, talk-therapy, or as starving for truth pointed out - jump right in.

when i was feeling that insecure, it helped when i would tell people, i'm nervous, or i'm anxious, whatever i felt applied, and people usually (not always) will let us know we are welcome, and take it easier on us...

good luck with this!

peace,
nightbird

p.s. alcohol doesn't solve personal problems. glad you know that.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. It is good to have you here. There is a chat room here at Psych Central that has helped many people that are shy and have anxiety disorders feel more safe to communicate without the threat of feeling overly sensitive to self esteem problems. I am sure you will find many people here that are willing to help you if at all possible to feel safe and more secure as you post more often. Take care of yourself in the mean time. Glad to have you here again. PM anytime. Soidhonia

I totally know what you are going through. I'll admit, I did not think I had a problem until a few days ago, and I started doing research on the topic of anxiety. Once I establish friendships, I don't like to let them go because those are the people I feel really comfortable around. Those are the people who can see me as the goofball that I can be, and usually am.

However, I am different in more crowded settings. I have used liquor before to be a little more outgoing and silly. I only know I end up that way because I've done it by accident a couple of times, but liked the feeling. Granted, I do not drink that often, but I just like the drunk and happy feeling because I rarely am like that, unless I am around people who don't judge me.

And yes, I have very low self esteem. I think that occurs because ever since 7th grade, which was about 11 years ago, I would let people take advantage of me. I can be very gullible sometimes, but it's usually in a funny way. However, most of the time I feel like I can't trust people. Heck, I don't even feel comfortable talking to professionals.

Now positively, things have gotten a bit better after going to college for four years. Okay, I was still afraid of people judging me based on nothing, but I slowly got over it. I managed to make a good group of friends. And after 3 years of doing marching band and being afraid of talking to people because they didn't speak to me first, I finally got up the courage to ask the girls in my instrument section and the flute section if I could join them at lunch or dinner during band camp, instead of going back to my dorm room to hide by myself all the time. Trust me, it feels better to try and make that contact.

So what I have learned, and really need to work on still is realizing nobody is going to think I'm an idiot right away if they do not know me at all. One email or phone call to a stranger will not do that. I also need to work on believing that I'm not the biggest inconvenience to people. So, I just need to keep telling myself that and hopefully this feeling will go away.

@Live2Dream88,

This thread is super old, and I genuinely hope you've moved past these issues, but your first post describes my life as well.

I grew up the quiet kid that loves to draw and be an artist. I loved having friends and was an inspiration to my peers, but that all changed once high school hit and I started relying on alcohol to define myself. Already having a depression problem, this was a terrible idea. I lost my artistic edge and out of high school I wasn't sure of who I was anymore, but had some amazing times in 2008 with my best friends. But soon that faded away and I swore I would give up drinking.

Eventually moved to a smaller city to get a degree, and I kept myself socially conditioned with the help of alcohol once again. Obviously alcohol helps you be more outgoing, but I also feel the after-effects are long-term. Despite the alcohol, the social skills stick with you, if only for a temporary amount of time, which is why I think drinking is so addictive. I have always felt that I needed to keep a balance of drinking/partying and school or I'd fall back into depression and have more anxiety. But now all my friends from first year have graduated and it seems next to impossible to make new ones. The social anxiety only really came on past few years and it takes the control of my life out of my hands. Sometimes I can let loose with just one beer, sometimes I can drink to almost vomiting and still won't be able to socialize.

I'm never really having fun without some substance to supplement it. I stopped taking antidepressants because I felt they were doing more harm than good. But now I'm not sure about anything anymore. I hope you are doing better Live2Dream88, it's at least nice to know we're not alone in these problems

You literally described how I feel daily.