[AnimalLover]

A close friend has metastasized appendix cancer (very, very rare). No tests showed it at all; they operated for a mass on her right ovary, when they opened her up, found the cancer, had to remove parts of her small and large intestine, her appendix (obviously), her ovaries, tubes, and uterus. They couldn't remove all of it.

I've been dealing with it fine. I took her to her first chemo last week, and will be taking her next week also. She's about 2 hours away from me, so I stay 4 days when I'm there so her husband can go to work and not worry about her being alone. I was genuinely fine during my stay last week. I'm not specifically worried about going next week, either. I'm actually quite good at helping others with unpleasant medical and health situations.

My primary defense mechanism is intellectualization and making it academic. Been doing great with that...I organized all her info, created a doc for her family to use easily, color coded her meds, wasn't at all anxious when I was there, her family appreciated both my presence and that I did all the organization.

Until the day before yesterday. I think the reality hit me. She's not making any lifestyle changes; I know this is going to kill her. I think I'm accepting that. So why am I practically in a panic, convinced that I have cancer too?

I used to have almost constant anxiety when I was in my teens and twenties - even into my thirties. I'm 46 now, and anxiety hasn't been a real problem in a long time.

Until now. I've been having an ache in my right mid back. I'm panicking that it's cancer. Keep in mind that I've had this on and off for a few years - since my gallbladder was removed - and it's not a terrible pain.

But I've been poking and prodding myself for the past two days, which of course has made it worse and I've probably black-and-blued myself.

So right now I'm nauseous, very anxiety ridden, and no matter what I'm doing (deep breathing, reasoning with myself), it feels like I'm getting worse not better. It's now Saturday night and I can't even make a doctor's appt!

I don't think there's really anything seriously wrong with my (physically, sigh). I tend to have IBS, and that could be causing the ache, and of course IBS gets worse when you're worried. Argh. Could be scar tissue from the gallbladder surgery. Could be muscular due to disk problems.

Somebody give me some magic words to help me out. I took a xanax and even that's not helping. I'd love a glass of wine, but with being nauseous, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't like to use substances as a crutch.

Oh, and I have actually made quite a few positive lifestyle changes since her diagnosis. I've been using this opportunity as a learning experience, I even finally quit smoking - not because I was afraid of cancer; but because I realized how crazy powerful a cigarette had become in my life.

And now that I've been anxious - guess what I really want? A cigarette. Haven't had one, am not going to have one, and it irks me that human logic is so defective that I think a cigarette will help ease my worries about me having cancer. I swear, I used to have a brain, used to be intelligent.

Thanks for listening. And thanks in advance for whatever magical suggestions you all have that'll verbally smack me upside the head so I snap out of this craziness!

Mary

[Rose3]

Good for you to be able to quit smoking,
Do you have a substitute?
Maybe if you made some plans - about making that doctor appointment (if you continue to think that you maybe have cancer - although - why would you think so? Or make some plans or decisions about any life style changes that you can make.
That might help settle the anxiety a bit.
But if you don't really have any reason to think that cancer is a reality in your life, then get involved in some activities that you enjoy.

[snowflake_48888]

(((((animal lover))))))
I wish I had a magical way to help...
Snowy

[AnimalLover]

I quit smoking 2 weeks ago. I'm not having a terrible time with cravings. As far as substitutes go - cinnamon sticks, celery, carrots or gum don't replace a cig for me. It's the whole act of lighting up, inhaling, the smell of the tobacco, that's the draw for me. So I've just accepted I'm going to have a craving sometimes, but that I'll get through it. Already my asthma is infinitely better.

And honestly, there is NO reason for me to think there's anything wrong with me physically. Yeah, I'll probably make an appt with my PCP, just so he can push and prod and tell me what I already know.

I have made several addt'l changes in my lifestyle - things I've meant to change for a long time, but it was just easier to be lazy. My diet wasn't bad to begin with (no fast or fried food, avoided trans-fats, etc.). But lately I've made an effort to learn which fruits and vegetables absorb a higher amount of pesticides, so I can look for organic. Have added more veggies that I'm not wild about, but know are good for me. Found ways of preparing them that make them more palatable.

Also have been treadmilling 30 minutes a day, which is totally new. First thing in the morning, no excuses. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm not doing too much at once, so I won't be overwhelmed and give up. I feel at peace with the changes, feel good about them, and sense that they are long-term changes, not just situational in response to my friend's illness.

I'm glad you asked, because writing about some of the details is helping to settle me down. Thank you.

I think in some way it may be easier for me to experience anxiety over myself - over something I know isn't really a serious problem - than it is for me to internalize how dire my friend's situation is. I haven't yet felt scared about having to lose her; since she doesn't yet look sick, it's hard to fully grasp the Stage IV metastasis that came at us all out of left field.

It helps to write here (I usually do the Depression board, but I'm happy to report that I've made significant improvement there). It helps to have responses here.

Thanks for your input and help.

[AnimalLover]

You know, believe it or not, just responding to my post was magical for me. Thank you.

[RosyRose]

hiya, Mary.

You sound like a wonderful friend. It's great how you are helping out a friend in need.

I understand where you are coming from. I'm pretty much a hypochondriac. In fact, one of the things that led me to this site was the fact that I was dealing with some medical problems that were scaring me to death.

I think the worrying causes us more harm than our actual condition.

I say you should go visit a doc just to give you some peace of mind. Also, try various calming and relaxation techniques. Hopefully one will work for you...and hopefully it will lessen not only your mental anxiety but your physical troubles as well.

[sabby]

Wow, you certainly have made a lot of changes to your life all at one time! While I commend you on making those changes, I think it's important to remember that in doing so, you are having to re-train your brain through those changes...especially the one of quitting smoking.

It makes complete sense to me that you are feeling anxious right now. Making so many changes at one time is stressful (even when we know it's for our own good).

I also had my gall bladder removed a number of years ago, and to this day, I still have that pain in my back like I had before it was removed every once in awhile. I think it is fairly normal to feel that, but definitely get into your pcp if it will help ease your mind

Wishing you well!


sabby

[AnimalLover]

Oh, thank you thank you thank you for saying you have discomfort too. I know it doesn't *really* mean anything in terms of whether there's anything at all wrong with me, but at least it helps me feel a bit saner.

After posting last night, I wandered around PC a bit. I felt better just writing the initial post. By the time I got done with PC for the evening, I had found a reference to a healthy-lifestyle site that's free (bonus!), started reading through that, ended up signing up to be a member (it's sparkpeople dot com), and I got so interested in the site info that it helped distract me from the anxiety. Yay.

I woke up today ok, and I've had a back-to-normal day. Double yay. It took some effort at the beginning of the day not to fall right back into anxiety, but it was worth it.

I know it sounds like I'm taking on a lot of changes at once. But for the first time in my life, it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it sounds on paper (or screen, in this case).

Strangely enough, quitting smoking is helping me make the other changes. After I read a ton of data on a stop smoking site (whyquit dot com), I found out that it's normal to expect periodic cig cravings for the rest of my life. I know that sounds very elementary, but before I read that, I used to think that if I experienced one strong craving, I'd failed, so I'd give in. Once I learned it was normal, and that just because I want to smoke for a few minutes doesn't mean that I have to, well, it became obvious that the whole story is about choice. You know, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Do the grown up thing.

After I accepted that I'll sometimes feel like smoking, it seemed easier to accept that I can make other steps to improve myself - even though I don't always FEEL like doing them. I don't expect to be perfect all the time (which is new, it used to be all or nothing).

I feel really good about myself for using the treadmill every day this week, and for making the first Chinese meal I ever tried to cook. I love to cook but in the past if it was not familiar to me, I'd avoid it and just cook something I knew would turn out well.

The meal turned out really extremely well. Much healthier than if we ordered take-out. It included more vegetables than I'd normally eat. I haven't had a cigarette even though I talked to my mother last night (big big trigger). I know when I get to MD to be with my friend I won't be treadmilling for a couple days. And I know she has a lot of junk food in the house, so I don't expect to eat perfectly. But - I'm bringing a supply of my snacks so it won't be 4 oreo-filled days...And I'm prepared for not particularly wanting to get back on the treadmill once I'm home, but making the choice to do it anyhow.

I know this is long; thanks for listening. I'm so glad the people of PC are here to help when I need it. Thanks so much for your time and support.
Mary

[AnimalLover]

Thank you for your response. I feel much better today. I completely agree that the worrying is worse than the illnesses in 99% of cases.

Thanks for saying I'm a good friend. But I don't feel like or view myself as a hero or anything. If this was hard for me, then I might feel exceptional. But realistically, this is an area that I'm good at; I don't mind taking care of others if they need help; bringing her to chemo doesn't trigger anxiety or depression in and of itself; it doesn't really take much effort to do what I'm doing, and she really benefits from it, which makes me feel good.

Thanks for your time and your support.
Mary